EMOTICONS 2.0

I had just begun to make my peace with internet abbreviations, when I had a new enemy to face. Emoticons.

I have never been a huge fan of emoticons. I feel they dumb you down.

If language is the diet we use online, emoticons are like street food – easy, commonplace. But keep doing it for a while, and you know things are going to get shitty.

Emoticons strip your message of all grace, wit and delicate charm. The finer nuances of language are lost amidst those yellow faces – blurring out meanings, codes, and references that the speaker is trying to make.

What started off as a cute little thing to express a feeling has now become a necessity that straitjackets everything you say into categories – happy, sad, flirty, moronic.

And then the categories began to expand. Till they all seem like hieroglyphic paintings that don’t make sense. Take for example, this emoticon:

:-@

What is this supposed to mean?

That I am talking to you while I am typing this out over the net?

Is it a reference to Lord Krishna, who opens his mouth to reveal that the entire World Wide Web lies inside him? Is it shock, or does it signify that you are tongue tied?

Why the fuck would you want to subject the recipient to this psychoanalysis?

From definite representations of a certain emotion, emoticons have become vague and overused.

And Google doesn’t make matters easier for you. And those Android emoticons are so bloody ugly! Just when you have typed out a long, passionate message, there is this green, alien smiling thing that attaches itself to your message. All Android phones have a smiley right there on the ‘Enter’ button, which means you can add a smiley after every message.

Hey there 🙂

What’s up? 🙂

Wanna go out? 😉

I just picked my nose 🙂

Which kind of makes you seem like an 8 year old dud with the attention span of 3.5 seconds.

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                                                                  EMOTICONS 2.0

So clearly, we invented something that would make us communicate easily, but somewhere down the line, we screwed up.

What we need, are new emoticons. With clear, distinct, unambiguous messages that will not leave the recipient guessing about the motive. Let’s begin with a few samples:

The RITEISH DESHMUKH SLEAZY EMOTICON:

Riteish Deshmukh, son of former Chief Minister of Maharashtra, began steadily in Bollywood. His first film, Tujhe Meri Kasam, for some reason, ran for three months near my house. I thought he had a niche audience of some sort, who kept coming back to his films.

After that, however, Riteish has specialised in playing the Horny Young Man. From Masti to Kya Kool Hai Hum, he revels in playing the tharki guy, always looking for some action.

This emoticon will be useful for guys who want to leave no doubt about their intention. Why go through the drill of liking Profile Pictures and Status Updates, and then realising that all the girl wanted from you was to like her ‘I love Joey Tribbiani’ page. Why go through that crap? Make your intentions clear. Get rejected. Move on.

This is how the Riteish Deshmukh emoticon will look like:

No bullshit. Straight, clear, to the point.

Of no return.

 

The RAM GOPAL VERMA EMOTICON:

If there is one person who truly doesn’t give a fuck in our country, it is Ram Gopal Verma. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry – whether he/she has any idea about filmmaking or not, has an opinion about him, and a joke on him that makes you want to impale them on an electric pole.

I’m sure RGV would have gotten sick of it at some point, and decided not to give a fuck. Since then, he looks happy. There is a glow in his face, a joy that can be seen when he speaks his mind about Karan Johar.

Using the RGV emoticon sends the message that you know people hate you, but they can go screw themselves.

No one is going to fuck with you after this. And you are not getting anymore Game Requests. You have just set their asses on RGV ki Aag.

 

The NANA PATEKAR EMOTICON:

Nana Patekar is India’s Angry Bearded Man.

Throughout his films – from Yeshwanth to Taxi No. 9211, Nana Patekar has been delivering tight chamaats to assholes on the roads. And these are not the kind of motherly slaps – they are earth shattering, face-changing, perspective bending slaps that leave an imact. Like this.

Sometimes, I feel that for there to be a good law and order system, the government needs to unleash Nana on the streets. Give him a license to slap everyone who breaks a rule. And as shown in this video, after Nana slaps you, there is a life changing transformation that happens.

The Nana Patekar emoticon is also a nice way of keeping annoying people on the internet at bay. Like that guy who wants you to like his Facebook Photography page. Or that guy who wants to tag you to ‘Happy Ganesh Chaturthi’ images.

A fantastic, practical emoticon that saves you a lot of hassles.

 

The SUNNY DEOL EMOTICON

Sunny Deol needs no introduction.

The man who takes no bullshit. The man who will drive a train into your country (with his son filling coal into the engine), and screw you so badly, you will give your daughter’s hand in marriage to him.

The Sunny Deol emoticon is ideal for jingoistic, desh ke laals who see red when anyone says anything against India. Using the Sunny Deol emoticon once should suffice to freeze the person into silence. If the person doesn’t, you just enter his house, uproot his piping system, and fuck him up.

This is how the short conversation will proceed.

 

The RAVI SHASTRI EMOTICON:

Ravi Shastri is the only person in the country who can say the same things for more than two decades.

The man is always zoned out, saying the same stuff over and over again. Like someone else is in control of him – like that character from Harry Potter 4. Ravi Shastri will say whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Whether it is the final of the World Cup or a training session of Kochi Tuskers – there is no stopping this man.

Using the Ravi Shastri Emoticon will help you have your own space.

A very spaced out, dopey, three pegs of Johnny Walker kind of space.

 

The BABA RAMDEV EMOTICON:

This emoticon should find a lot of favour in our country. The Baba Ramdev emoticon is ideal for people who fulfill the following categories:

a. Love the country and swear to defend it’s culture from Western influence.

b. Believe in the indigenous powders to cure ailments like AIDS and homosexuality.

c. Have a political streak in you.

The Baba Ramdev emoticon can be used when you want to say something outlandish, but are unsure. Works like a charm when you have to say incredible things like ‘India is the greatest country in the world’.

                                                                             

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So there you go, brothers, sisters and hot chicks!

Go ahead and use these emoticons. Make your conversations direct. Leave no ambiguity.