Why are we so scared of writing?

No profession in the world has been as glorified as that of a writer’s.

When you think of a scientist, sportsperson, or film star – there are many images that strike the mind – in a wide variety of colours and personalities. But ask people what their idea of a writer is, and you’ll get the most cliched image – that of a black-and-white person in a beard and long hair, shot in soft light in the 1940s – a face too serious to smile, an expression to inscrutable to decode.

For more than 12 years now, I have been earning my bread through writing. I have written copy for advertising, short stories, three unpublished novels, award shows, film reviews, screenplays and web series. I have been writing and performing my own jokes for nearly a decade now. But when I tell people I’m a writer, the first question I get thrown at me is – ‘What books have you written?’. Most people have this image of a writer to be serious, or profound, or intellectually more stimulating than a Magic Wand Rechargeable vibrator.

Or there is an element of awe – like writing is a gift that god blesses upon the chosen ones. That being a writer somehow makes people intrinsically different from everyone else – a little hatke. It is assumed that writing requires some special talent and intelligence. I am yet to win a Pulitzer for my writing, but I can safely tell you that they couldn’t be further from the truth. I was extremely mediocre at academics, studied B.Com (the course you choose when you don’t know what you want to B.Com), and possess no other special skill to speak of (unless you count remembering bad Jackie Shroff movies).

Much of this myth stems from how our schools promote writing. We are never encouraged to write anything stimulating, anything off the treaded path. Think back to all the writing you did in school – you were either vomiting out the answers you were supposed to memorise. Or inane assignments like ‘Write a letter to your Municipality Office asking for a new bus stand’. Any writing that didn’t fall in line with your parents’ dream of buying a new house – was actively discouraged. All through 20 years of education, we were taught to mug up, memorise, and vomit. Mug up, memorise, vomit. On loop – across courses and curricula. You’ll find teenagers who can waltz through the world’s toughest competitive exam, but freeze when asked to write a few paragraphs of an essay.

Which is why people are so awed by any form of creative writing. It throws up the image of a rebel who fought against the existing structures of the world to plant a flag of individuality in the stormy sea of everyday life.

They couldn’t be further from the truth.

Writing is like any other profession. In fact, if you are a coder, you share more in common with a writer than most other professions. Like with other fields, writing can be either for your own brand, or for others on hire. Writers in that sense, are just like professionals in any other field – only poorer.

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When I ask people why they don’t write anymore, the first reaction I get is of ‘fear’.

Modern society has tricked us into inculcating a deep fear of writing in all forms. We are all reminded that we don’t read enough. We are reminded of our previous generations – the simple joys of their lives, the struggles they faced to read and write – a luxury that we are throwing away. Old people love to remind us that we aren’t reading and writing enough.

But then, that’s what old people do. Old age offers us all the opportunity to look down upon people who come after us. When was the last time you heard an old person praise youngsters for anything? It’s a socially accepted (even respected) toxic trait that’ll go on and on till humans walk this earth.

But like most things, old people have no idea what they’re talking about. Take reading, for example. In our parents’ time, the act of reading meant one of a few things – a newspaper, a magazine, or a book. That was it. For all the brouhaha about reading, these were the only things that were being read, by entire generations!

Now, take the average youngster of today. They have access to news articles in one tap. News is delivered in snapshots throughout the day. Opinions are given out, statistics are accessed from a young age. Statuses, stories, updates, messages – we are surrounded by writing. In fact, the average youngster today reads more in a day on Instagram than their parents read in a week. And yet, we are constantly shamed into believing we don’t read enough.

Or take writing. Mails, statuses, opinions on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. If our earlier generation strove for brevity in words, the younger generation has perfected the art of conveying a hilariously nuanced point within 140 characters. They are on WhatsApp groups all day – discussing, debating and bantering. If you create memes, you are doing what poets toiled with all their lives – to merge an image with an idea to induce humour, joy, or inspiration.

The truth is, today’s generations read and write much, much more than their parents could ever dream of.

And yet, why are youngsters today exhibiting a morbid fear of writing? I have thought about this long and hard.

The most common retort I get when I ask people why they don’t write, is-

‘I tried writing. But I hate the stuff I write’.

This has got more to do with the perceived notions of writing, than with their own skills. Since we have very little functional experience of writing, we nurture the belief that words are supposed to flow like a gossamer beautifully from mind to paper. That when we sit down in front of the laptop, words should flow out of us like Ganga from Shiva’s head. That great works of writing will be created just like Shaktimaan was created from the divyashakti that emanated from the foreheads of seven rishis. But that’s absolute bull.

It makes no sense to judge your own writing. To expect perfection in everything that you type. One – that is not true even for the greatest writers on earth. Two – it is an extremely silly idea. Every time you sit down to write, you aren’t running a race against Shakespeare and Wordsworth.

When you go out to play a game of cricket – are you competing with Sachin Tendulkar? When you sing in the bathroom, are you trying to outdo the vocal gymnastics of Mariah Carey? Then why did writing become such a scrutinised activity?

Ernest Hemingway said, ‘Write drunk. Edit sober’. While you need not actually get drunk to write, what he meant is that writing and editing are two different tasks. To write and judge your writing at the same time, is like trying to wash up while taking a dump at the same time. What you’ll end up with is a gigantic mess.

The second problem I notice is that writing has become extremely performative.

It is assumed that everything you write has to be put up somewhere. Along with our opinions and our pictures, we have made our writing a social media experience as well. If it isn’t good enough to be put up somewhere, we assume there is no intrinsic value in what we write. But that’s a terrible way to go about writing. Everything you write should not be treated like precious gems that need to be put on sale in a marketplace. Instead, treat your writing like the muck that comes out when you pick your nose. It’s not important where it goes; but rather that it came out of you in the first place!

That extremely gross analogy apart, one needs to let go of the performative aspect of writing. If anything, writing is an extremely personal action – one that comes close to meditation.

Try this sometime.

When you’re extremely agitated, try sitting down and penning your thoughts. After a point, the grudges, those balls of wool of thoughts in your head – when they are all laid out bare, you’ll find that most of the things that anger or scare you are silly. When our thoughts are put into words in front of us, they show themselves for what they really are – twisted thoughts whose only aim is to cause pain.

Writing helps give clarity to your feelings. Especially the lesser feelings – like jealousy. The next time you find envy rising inside you like unwanted bile, sit down and try to write about it. You’ll find that when your feelings are forced to masquerade as words, they sound petty and small. Insignificant. You’ll find that you’re greater than such measly thoughts.

Unfortunately, writing has gone from something extremely personal, to an act as performative as a celebrity’s sex tape.

Write without an aim, without expecting likes or follows or shares. Don’t compare yourself to Shakespeare and Wordsworth and all those older gentlemen who would be selling essential oils on Instagram if they were alive today.

Write a mail to a college friend you haven’t spoken to for years. Review a product you purchased, a book you read, or a restaurant you visited. Share something original on a WhatsApp group. The truth is, modern life gives you lots of opportunities to write, but we have all gone into our shells.

You have the Internet and social media – you have access to a million potential readers – something that all the writers of yesteryears would have given their right arms for. Take writing back to what it is – a calming, meditative, personal experience. Let your fingers dance over the keyboard like a teenager who’s had their first LIIT.

Write everyday if you can, and be kind to yourself. Write everyday, and throw away what you wrote into the dustbin without reading it. If it’s something worth remembering, you will remember it. Our brains have a way of sieving through the shit and retaining the gold.

Death is the only real truth of life. Climate change, a global pandemic, Suneil Shetty releasing a new movie – those are the things that you must be worrying about. Not something as intrinsically beautiful as writing.

Write a story. A message. A joke. A note to yourself in the future.

Liberate yourself from the fear of writing.

Stop Assigning Tasks to Everyone You Meet!

Till a few years ago, I was what could be described as ‘gregarious’. I liked stepping out, meeting new people, making friends and hanging out with said friends.

But over the last few years, I have become increasingly hesitant to step out of my house. The prospect of having to meet people seems daunting. It’s a little ironic that this coincides with the time I decided to become a writer and stand-up comedian. But the reason is a very specific one. Ladies and Gentlemen, kindly brace yourself for the kind of rants you hear from old men who reach the bars early.

Every generation has a different set of societal pressures. A hundred years ago, there was pressure to work in one’s ancestral property to provide food. A few decades ago, the pressure was to get married, have kids, and produce mediocre progeny to completely unnecessary dynasties. In today’s times, it’s a different kind of pressure.

The pressure of meeting people who randomly meet you, assign tasks to you, and vanish. That’s the reason I detest meeting people these days. Nearly every person you meet assigns some or the other task to you, whether you know them or not. It’s a rampant, vile practice that nobody speaks about. Everybody you meet is adding to a gigantic, imaginary To-do list in your head.

These task-assigners come in various shapes, sizes and categories.

THE WOKE PEOPLE

Most people assume that performing comedy in front of right-wing rogues is the toughest. Surprisingly, right-wingers do possess a sense of humour. The real problem are the left-wing, woke people. They have woken so much out of their slumber that any joke that doesn’t fit their moral text book needs to be put to sleep. In fact, apart from woke people, the only more dangerous place to tell a joke is in front of a pride of lions in the Gir forest! For a woke person, there is no perfect intellectual. The idea of a perfect woke person is a constantly shifting flagpole that is humanly impossible to adhere to.

I had the rare misfortune to host an Open Mic at a vegan restaurant in the city. The kind where rich folks wear kurtas and sit on mats in order to remain ‘grounded to their roots’. Vegans are the most intolerable among the woke-folks. Of course, people are free to make their own dietary choices, but it’s the sanctimonious ‘I’m doing it for the planet’ tone that is intolerable.

I mean, Gandhi fasted for years and he’s called a chutiya on Twitter. But Neha wants to be respected because she said ‘No’ to paneer! Give me a fucking break!

I was performing a silly joke about Shah Jahan and how he cut off the workers’ hands because the Question Mark wasn’t used in Indian languages in the 16th century. Right in the middle of a joke, I got interrupted by an audience member. I called her out for interrupting me in the middle of a joke, and we spoke after the show.
‘That joke is able-ist’, she said.
‘How?’
‘Well, it is the perspective of an able-bodied person who is mocking people without hands’.

Have you ever had a moment when as an atheist, you begin to believe that God exists? That God created somebody this stupid only to make their ancestors pay for ghastly crimes? It was one of those moments.

‘You do know that it’s a myth, right? There isn’t really enough evidence to prove that Shah Jahan actually cut off people’s hands after they built the Taj Mahal’.
She gave me the look I used to give my Maths teachers in school.
‘Even so, that joke is able-ist. You are perpetuating a violent idea through your joke’.
‘Are you telling me people are going to listen to that joke and cut off other people’s hands?’
‘…Ahem, maybe you should choose to read up on Disability Studies, and you wouldn’t be so insensitive in your jokes’.
‘Why don’t you tell me what the studies say?’
‘I’m sorry, it’s not my responsibility to educate you about the world’.

That’s the thing about woke people. They are constantly dropping names on Social Media. You should read this. Maybe watch that. For you see, I’m an educated person willing to debate my views on social media for hours, but I do not possess the skills to summarise what I have learnt in a couple of sentences.

In that sense, I like that right-wing folks do not assign any task to you. They are absolutely sure of their views. If you disagree, you can go fuck yourself. Irrespective of whether you agree with their opinions, it is hard not to be impressed by the confidence. But debate with a woke person, and you will be tasked with reading three books, a couple of essays on EPW, and four academic papers on JStor before you’re worthy of having an argument!

THE RECOMMENDERS

If the woke-walkers are an army of brain-dead people marching at you while echoing each other’s opinions, they can only be defeated by their worthy opponents – the Recommenders.

These are people who have watched a series or film and can’t stop fucking raving about it. ‘OMG!!! YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED THAT SERIES? Are you serious? You’re a critic. You SHOULD watch it. MUST. OUGHT TO. BETTER WATCH IT’.

If the recommenders are an army marching, they are commanded by seniors in their own army. The recommending generals who make recommending a competitive game of tennis.

‘Have you watched Better Call Saul?’
‘No, I haven’t. But OMG, have you watched Fargo?’
‘No, I haven’t. But I’ve watched The Wire. Have you?’
‘No. I haven’t’.
‘You MUST watch it. It’s one of those shows that will blow your mind’.

This game has no rules, and no winner. It can go on for a few minutes, hours, or the entire night. But the recommenders are also guilty of another crime. If you ask them to describe the show, they mostly refuse. ‘I can’t describe it. I’ll do a shoddy job. You MUST watch it’.

What they’re essentially saying is that they have the time and resources to watch a show that ran for an entire decade, but cannot be bothered to indulge you in a two-minute summary. Because THAT would require some skills and intelligence.
‘You just watch it. It will blow your mind’.
Everything seems to blow the minds of recommenders. It is a mind or a school in Pakistan? To get blown every Friday??

THE NUMBER SHARERS

The third in the list are those that immediately want to exchange numbers after meeting you.

I have met people at parties with whom the only commonality I shared was to belong to the same species. ‘Give me your number, I’ll give you mine’. I thought this was true only in case of pretty women, but apparently, it’s a rampant social disease.

Despite the fact that it takes 2 seconds to find someone one by searching on social media. ‘Give me your number, I’ll call you’, they say. And then stare at you till you take out your phone. ‘Unlock your phone. Use the swiping pattern. Let me see it so I can theoretically know everything about your life. Unlock your phone RIGHT NOW and save my number. Or I’m going to stare at you till you drop dead’.

The number-sharers are not easily pleased though. Some of them will take out their phones and give you a call. ‘I called you’, they’ll say. ‘That’s my number. Save it’. Trapped like a teenager in Shakti Kapoor’s bedroom, you have no option but to nod.
‘Give me a call when you’re in this locality the next time’.
Sure.
‘And let me know if you have any shows coming up, man. Just ping me on WhatsApp or something’.
Sure.
‘And oh, have you watched this series…?’

THE WRITERS

As a culture, we have strange ideas of writing and writers. When I tell people that I’m a writer, the first question I get is ‘What books have you written?’. It is hard for people to wrap their heads around the fact that there are other types of writers than authors.

We have made writing so performative, so cliched – that an entire generation of youngsters is more comfortable solving complex mathematical equations to arrive at one common answer, than write a short essay that displays their uniqueness. But even though I belong to the camp of writers myself, writers are one of the worst committers of the crime of assigning tasks.

‘Hey, can you read what I’ve written? Do let me know what you thought’.
No hello, no introduction. No cursory line of courtesy asking if I would be interested to read their work. Forget niceties, there is no context to what was sent – no summary, no one-para description of the content within. I am supposed to open the document and plunge into ‘EXT. DAY. SCENE 1 – A dusty Jeep arrives outside the village. We see a child inside the Jeep, with a snake around its neck’.

I have had one dude send me his script over 5 long WhatsApp messages. Another dude met me at a party after a few years and cribbed about me not giving him feedback. That’s the thing about writers – while their wallets are thin, their egos are massive. If you do not reply to their messages, they take it as a personal insult. ‘Since you are a professional writer’, the dude would say to me in the balcony as we passed joints, ‘I expected you to respond professionally’.

I think the problem lies in the fact that writing is considered an art. And because it’s considered an art, people don’t realise that to review it is actual work.

THE FILMMAKERS

I review movies professionally, and as a reason I get sent at least 20 to 30 videos every week. Most of them have no introduction, or summary, or any sort of hint about what the video might contain. Just thrown my way with the cursory message that says, Hey, check this out.

I understand that film making is a tough business. But how do you expect to be taken seriously when you don’t even follow the basic rules of professionalism? The common message attached to the video links go something like Hey, the video is just about 5 minutes so please watch it. Sure, it might take about 5 minutes to watch your video. But it will take me about 30 minutes to analyze it. And then another 30 minutes to put it in words. And then some more time to find you on social media and reply to your message and then discuss it with you.

So in essence, you are asking me to work for 3 hours. For free. Without even the basic modicum of courtesy. People think that it is some sort of a joyful activity to review films. But it is actual work. Imagine if you were a software engineer working. And I suddenly drop in at your desk and say, Hey, can you write this code for me, please? People do not even take permission. Do not even drop in a line that says, Hey, do you mind having a look? Do you have a few minutes free?

And if you do not respond to their messages, they come back and check in a weeks time. Like it was a fucking assignment to begin with. And when you fail to respond to their unprofessional messages, they get pissed off.

Which gives rise to the question. What is the professional way to ask somebody to review your work?

I don’t know what are the industry guidelines but I personally would like it if you first asked me if I would be interested to check out your work. And be ready to accept a ‘No’ if I’m busy. The next step would be to send a short summary along with the link. And then leave it for me to decide if I want to have a look or no. Because it’s a favour I’m doing you. It’s not a contract. I’m not getting paid.

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So that was it. That was my rant. If you belong to any of the above categories, please stop assigning tasks to everybody around you. We live in tough times as it is.

Thank you for reading. Now please go to the comment section and tell me what you thought of my article. Right now!!

Go fuck yourself, Daddy, and hello again, WordPress!

Here’s a lesson you must imbibe in your life, young one: NEVER LISTEN TO ADVICE FROM YOUR MBA FRIENDS.

If you haven’t pursued an MBA yourself, there should be no reason for you to listen to your MBA friends. I made the mistake of listening to an MBA friend of mine, and bought into his Shiv Khera-ish lecture of ‘pushing things up one notch’.

‘How long will you keep writing on WordPress, bro?’ he asked me one day, amidst clouds of smoke and hope. ‘The world has moved on to other platforms. When you started the blog, even mobile phones weren’t around’.

Which is not completely true. I started in 2007 and Nokia was the Apple of the world’s eye back then.

‘But you’re missing my point. You need to scale things up. See, if you’re trying to create a brand (Am I?), people need to experience a professional UI’.

I nodded my head. I have found it’s the best way to avoid speaking to one’s MBA friends.

‘Let’s create a site for you’.

The above line can be interpreted in a number of ways. As a line mouthed 40 minutes into a movie, it could be the inciting incident transforms the protagonist’s life.

Spoken to me however, the line is impotent.

I am as technologically suave as Shakuni attending a Tech event in Cupertino. My friend asked me to choose a domain hosting site, and I duly chose GoDaddy. I mean, Mithun was doing their ads at the time – would you blame me? My friend graciously created the site for me, and (probably) shook my hand at the end of the mission.

And so there I was, over the last four years – trying to handle my own site.

If it was supposed to inspire me, it had the opposite effect. Earlier, I was just some guy who got high and typed keys onto a site. Now, I was a writer who was seeking to create his own brand. I mean, if someone gave you a choice between the two scenarios, which one would you take?

Running my own site sounds nice from the outside. It has a nice ring to it, and I used the line a few times at parties where I forgot to bring my personality.

I run one of India’s longest running humour sites.

Oh, nice. What’s it called? 

Heartranjan.com

Art-?

No. Heart. Heartranjan. 

Okay. Let me note that down. Heart Dungeon. Dot com? 

No, not Dungeon. Ranjan. Cos my name is Hriday Ranjan…so…heartranjan.

Oh, okay. Humour site, eh? Hmmm.

 

I thought running your own site was like having your own digital castle, where you can lounge and look at the world from the balcony. What I didn’t know was it was closer to running your own garden.

You have to get down everyday and weed out the rubbish. On WordPress, my spam was handled by disciplined employees. On my site, I received 200 comments a day from strange Russian companies.

I also noticed that spam messages are getting smarter. Earlier, a typical spam message would read:

Use Tadalafil for Erectile Dysfunction. 50 mg. 

Short, sweet, to the point. Easy to notice and do away with. But over the recent few years, spam messages trick you into believing somebody in the world cares about you – and then twist the knife into your heart. Modern spam messages read like this.

Hey 😀 Thanks for the post, I found it absolutely engaging and must say, you do raise some terrific points. However, I must say I wish you had expanded on few of the issues that you raise in the post if your dick is limp, use Tadalafil 50 mg for Erectile Dysfunction.

The messages trap you into hope, and then smack you with a product. And imagine getting 200 of these everyday! I can’t remember writing anything interesting in the last four years, probably due to the pressure of ‘running my own site’.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. Over the last four years, I have become a standup comedian, a newspaper columnist for Indian Express, a critic for Film Companion, and an A++ accredited roller of joints.

You wouldn’t blame me for ignoring a mail from GoDaddy that my billing needed tending to. I thought it was their Annual Ronadhona Subscription time, and ignored the mails. Turns out my domain ran out and somebody else bought it.

I spoke to their agent Naresh, and was informed that I need to pay thousands to recover the site, with no guarantee of recovering my content.

I did some research and found that GoDaddy wasn’t developed by a son who wanted his his ailing father to achieve his dream. It was a company founded in the US with nearly 6000 employees around the world. GoDaddy could go fuck itself.

I dropped the plan, asked Naresh to go fuck himself in Corporato – Thank you SO much for ALL the help, Naresh. I hope you rise to great heights one day. 

Which is when I found that my wordpress site was still intact. It waited for me to build a house and was there for me when I returned. Of course, the subscribers are all gone -from 3000 to 7, but those can be gained back.

It must be good to go back to typing without an agenda or pressure. And for the reader to scroll through stuff that was written just for the fun of it. Which is why I have returned to WordPress again your dick is limp buy Tadalafil 50 mg and experience magical results.