Loha Purush Tritiya – Khade Lund Pe Khatarnak Dhoka

                                  

 

 

 

In our world of global, national, and local superstars, if there are two superheroes who have managed to hold their own in a clutter of good vs. evil, they are Batman and Iron Man.

Dark and brooding, Batman makes the others look like over-emotional Kumar Gauravs. But even though the Batman movies were far better made, I connected more with Iron Man.

May be it was his cynicism, or his hatred for rules, or his ambiguity between good and evil. Or maybe because he wasn’t dressed in blue and red, and subtly telling the world how fuckawesome the US is. He is unpatriotic, iconoclastic, and simply fantastic.

It is probably a sign of times that teeth-gritting, patriotic superheroes are a thing of the past. That they died when Brandan Routh wore the blue costume and circled the earth. That they were irrelevant in today’s times – emotional appendages of a time long gone.

 

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So when I walked into the theatre, I wasn’t expecting great visuals. I wasn’t expecting to be blown by the action. I was looking for more. I was looking to peel off more layers from the person who gave me the most intriguing superhero in recent times.

Sadly, the layers that peeled off were like onion. They weren’t great, and almost reduced me to tears. The third film succeeds in domesticating our wild man. A thought as disturbing as Aruna Irani breastfeeding a snake in Doodh ka Karz.

I don’t generally go about revealing the story of the movie, but this one is so wafer thin, you wouldn’t even mind.

So there is this organisation called Extremis which was intended as a cure for disabled people, but has gone bad. Also, there have been numerous terror attacks which leave no clue, apart from extremely high temperatures at the site. Iron Man has to find these guys, and kick their ass.

The thing is, these terror attacks on superhero films have become so jaded, you cant even take them seriously anymore. I mean, you know there will be this actor (who never got very famous) who plays the villain, who wants to kill people and the hero has to save him. Since the days of Mogambo, heroes’ sole aim in life is to stop these guys, and they never fail to do it. So who are we shitting here?

 

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If I were to point out the two reasons I didn’t enjoy the movie, they would be the following:

 

1. The Iron Man ka Chutiya Villain Theory:

Every Iron Man movie will have a villain. This guy will be played by cult actors. Actors you have seen in movies through the years and you are curious to see what they have in store for you.

But as the movie progresses, you will realise that the aura of Iron Man overshadows the villain, reducing him to a whimpering sidekick whose destiny has been written by the Mayans. It happened to Jeff Bridges in the first, Mickey Rourke in the second, and the same happens to Ben Kingsley in the third.

Mandarin, the villain that Kingsley is supposed to play, was written as a megalomaniac world conqueror. What the makers do with him is a fresh take, but you are expecting something to happen at some point.

In the end, Kingsley’s character is so frivolous, that if Gandhi watched the film, he would slap him, and ask him to show the other cheek.

 

1. 2.     Lack of Progression in Character

Now, comic book fans would always want to know what would happen to Iron Man after The Avengers. In case you went on holiday to Uranus, there was this movie called The Avengers, and it was the mother of all superhero movies. A fantastic effort by the genius who goes by the name of Joss Whedon.

After that, I was looking for some reference, some change in him. But Iron Man is essentially the same. Which makes the series like the Munnabhai series, where the same actors play the same roles, with different settings every time.

How can it be that this person (Tony Stark) goes through the grind of discovering himself, creating his armour, fighting his first battle, saving the earth, being attacked by extra terrestrial animals, and yet there is absolutely no change in the way he looks, feels, and talks?

As the film progressed, the writers did add some layers to the character. Like the bit where they showed him bonding with a little kid. Are you serious? Iron Man, the guy who takes on governments and demigods, making friends with a little kid to help with his work? It’s the cheapest trick in a superhero movie, and I was crestfallen that my favourite superhero had to go through the indignity of tolerating a ten year old who talks too much.

And as the final nail in the coffin, after the clichéd big budget, explosive climax, Iron Man destroys all his suits, and throws away the chest arc reactor into the sea. Because he wants to spend more time with Pepper Potts?

ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME? IRON MAN?? DESTROYING HIS SUITS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND??

Why don’t you show him drying the laundry and changing the diapers already?

 

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I don’t generally like to make judgements, but I will make one here. Unless you masturbate to Robert Downey Jr. twice a day, don’t take the trouble of going to the hall.

Wait for it to come on torrents, download it. Encourage piracy, spread some anarchy.

Iron Man is probably playing the piano for his girlfriend in their Italian villa.