EMOTICONS 2.0

I had just begun to make my peace with internet abbreviations, when I had a new enemy to face. Emoticons.

I have never been a huge fan of emoticons. I feel they dumb you down.

If language is the diet we use online, emoticons are like street food – easy, commonplace. But keep doing it for a while, and you know things are going to get shitty.

Emoticons strip your message of all grace, wit and delicate charm. The finer nuances of language are lost amidst those yellow faces – blurring out meanings, codes, and references that the speaker is trying to make.

What started off as a cute little thing to express a feeling has now become a necessity that straitjackets everything you say into categories – happy, sad, flirty, moronic.

And then the categories began to expand. Till they all seem like hieroglyphic paintings that don’t make sense. Take for example, this emoticon:

:-@

What is this supposed to mean?

That I am talking to you while I am typing this out over the net?

Is it a reference to Lord Krishna, who opens his mouth to reveal that the entire World Wide Web lies inside him? Is it shock, or does it signify that you are tongue tied?

Why the fuck would you want to subject the recipient to this psychoanalysis?

From definite representations of a certain emotion, emoticons have become vague and overused.

And Google doesn’t make matters easier for you. And those Android emoticons are so bloody ugly! Just when you have typed out a long, passionate message, there is this green, alien smiling thing that attaches itself to your message. All Android phones have a smiley right there on the ‘Enter’ button, which means you can add a smiley after every message.

Hey there 🙂

What’s up? 🙂

Wanna go out? 😉

I just picked my nose 🙂

Which kind of makes you seem like an 8 year old dud with the attention span of 3.5 seconds.

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                                                                  EMOTICONS 2.0

So clearly, we invented something that would make us communicate easily, but somewhere down the line, we screwed up.

What we need, are new emoticons. With clear, distinct, unambiguous messages that will not leave the recipient guessing about the motive. Let’s begin with a few samples:

The RITEISH DESHMUKH SLEAZY EMOTICON:

Riteish Deshmukh, son of former Chief Minister of Maharashtra, began steadily in Bollywood. His first film, Tujhe Meri Kasam, for some reason, ran for three months near my house. I thought he had a niche audience of some sort, who kept coming back to his films.

After that, however, Riteish has specialised in playing the Horny Young Man. From Masti to Kya Kool Hai Hum, he revels in playing the tharki guy, always looking for some action.

This emoticon will be useful for guys who want to leave no doubt about their intention. Why go through the drill of liking Profile Pictures and Status Updates, and then realising that all the girl wanted from you was to like her ‘I love Joey Tribbiani’ page. Why go through that crap? Make your intentions clear. Get rejected. Move on.

This is how the Riteish Deshmukh emoticon will look like:

No bullshit. Straight, clear, to the point.

Of no return.

 

The RAM GOPAL VERMA EMOTICON:

If there is one person who truly doesn’t give a fuck in our country, it is Ram Gopal Verma. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry – whether he/she has any idea about filmmaking or not, has an opinion about him, and a joke on him that makes you want to impale them on an electric pole.

I’m sure RGV would have gotten sick of it at some point, and decided not to give a fuck. Since then, he looks happy. There is a glow in his face, a joy that can be seen when he speaks his mind about Karan Johar.

Using the RGV emoticon sends the message that you know people hate you, but they can go screw themselves.

No one is going to fuck with you after this. And you are not getting anymore Game Requests. You have just set their asses on RGV ki Aag.

 

The NANA PATEKAR EMOTICON:

Nana Patekar is India’s Angry Bearded Man.

Throughout his films – from Yeshwanth to Taxi No. 9211, Nana Patekar has been delivering tight chamaats to assholes on the roads. And these are not the kind of motherly slaps – they are earth shattering, face-changing, perspective bending slaps that leave an imact. Like this.

Sometimes, I feel that for there to be a good law and order system, the government needs to unleash Nana on the streets. Give him a license to slap everyone who breaks a rule. And as shown in this video, after Nana slaps you, there is a life changing transformation that happens.

The Nana Patekar emoticon is also a nice way of keeping annoying people on the internet at bay. Like that guy who wants you to like his Facebook Photography page. Or that guy who wants to tag you to ‘Happy Ganesh Chaturthi’ images.

A fantastic, practical emoticon that saves you a lot of hassles.

 

The SUNNY DEOL EMOTICON

Sunny Deol needs no introduction.

The man who takes no bullshit. The man who will drive a train into your country (with his son filling coal into the engine), and screw you so badly, you will give your daughter’s hand in marriage to him.

The Sunny Deol emoticon is ideal for jingoistic, desh ke laals who see red when anyone says anything against India. Using the Sunny Deol emoticon once should suffice to freeze the person into silence. If the person doesn’t, you just enter his house, uproot his piping system, and fuck him up.

This is how the short conversation will proceed.

 

The RAVI SHASTRI EMOTICON:

Ravi Shastri is the only person in the country who can say the same things for more than two decades.

The man is always zoned out, saying the same stuff over and over again. Like someone else is in control of him – like that character from Harry Potter 4. Ravi Shastri will say whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Whether it is the final of the World Cup or a training session of Kochi Tuskers – there is no stopping this man.

Using the Ravi Shastri Emoticon will help you have your own space.

A very spaced out, dopey, three pegs of Johnny Walker kind of space.

 

The BABA RAMDEV EMOTICON:

This emoticon should find a lot of favour in our country. The Baba Ramdev emoticon is ideal for people who fulfill the following categories:

a. Love the country and swear to defend it’s culture from Western influence.

b. Believe in the indigenous powders to cure ailments like AIDS and homosexuality.

c. Have a political streak in you.

The Baba Ramdev emoticon can be used when you want to say something outlandish, but are unsure. Works like a charm when you have to say incredible things like ‘India is the greatest country in the world’.

                                                                             

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So there you go, brothers, sisters and hot chicks!

Go ahead and use these emoticons. Make your conversations direct. Leave no ambiguity.

Loha Purush Tritiya – Khade Lund Pe Khatarnak Dhoka

                                  

 

 

 

In our world of global, national, and local superstars, if there are two superheroes who have managed to hold their own in a clutter of good vs. evil, they are Batman and Iron Man.

Dark and brooding, Batman makes the others look like over-emotional Kumar Gauravs. But even though the Batman movies were far better made, I connected more with Iron Man.

May be it was his cynicism, or his hatred for rules, or his ambiguity between good and evil. Or maybe because he wasn’t dressed in blue and red, and subtly telling the world how fuckawesome the US is. He is unpatriotic, iconoclastic, and simply fantastic.

It is probably a sign of times that teeth-gritting, patriotic superheroes are a thing of the past. That they died when Brandan Routh wore the blue costume and circled the earth. That they were irrelevant in today’s times – emotional appendages of a time long gone.

 

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So when I walked into the theatre, I wasn’t expecting great visuals. I wasn’t expecting to be blown by the action. I was looking for more. I was looking to peel off more layers from the person who gave me the most intriguing superhero in recent times.

Sadly, the layers that peeled off were like onion. They weren’t great, and almost reduced me to tears. The third film succeeds in domesticating our wild man. A thought as disturbing as Aruna Irani breastfeeding a snake in Doodh ka Karz.

I don’t generally go about revealing the story of the movie, but this one is so wafer thin, you wouldn’t even mind.

So there is this organisation called Extremis which was intended as a cure for disabled people, but has gone bad. Also, there have been numerous terror attacks which leave no clue, apart from extremely high temperatures at the site. Iron Man has to find these guys, and kick their ass.

The thing is, these terror attacks on superhero films have become so jaded, you cant even take them seriously anymore. I mean, you know there will be this actor (who never got very famous) who plays the villain, who wants to kill people and the hero has to save him. Since the days of Mogambo, heroes’ sole aim in life is to stop these guys, and they never fail to do it. So who are we shitting here?

 

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If I were to point out the two reasons I didn’t enjoy the movie, they would be the following:

 

1. The Iron Man ka Chutiya Villain Theory:

Every Iron Man movie will have a villain. This guy will be played by cult actors. Actors you have seen in movies through the years and you are curious to see what they have in store for you.

But as the movie progresses, you will realise that the aura of Iron Man overshadows the villain, reducing him to a whimpering sidekick whose destiny has been written by the Mayans. It happened to Jeff Bridges in the first, Mickey Rourke in the second, and the same happens to Ben Kingsley in the third.

Mandarin, the villain that Kingsley is supposed to play, was written as a megalomaniac world conqueror. What the makers do with him is a fresh take, but you are expecting something to happen at some point.

In the end, Kingsley’s character is so frivolous, that if Gandhi watched the film, he would slap him, and ask him to show the other cheek.

 

1. 2.     Lack of Progression in Character

Now, comic book fans would always want to know what would happen to Iron Man after The Avengers. In case you went on holiday to Uranus, there was this movie called The Avengers, and it was the mother of all superhero movies. A fantastic effort by the genius who goes by the name of Joss Whedon.

After that, I was looking for some reference, some change in him. But Iron Man is essentially the same. Which makes the series like the Munnabhai series, where the same actors play the same roles, with different settings every time.

How can it be that this person (Tony Stark) goes through the grind of discovering himself, creating his armour, fighting his first battle, saving the earth, being attacked by extra terrestrial animals, and yet there is absolutely no change in the way he looks, feels, and talks?

As the film progressed, the writers did add some layers to the character. Like the bit where they showed him bonding with a little kid. Are you serious? Iron Man, the guy who takes on governments and demigods, making friends with a little kid to help with his work? It’s the cheapest trick in a superhero movie, and I was crestfallen that my favourite superhero had to go through the indignity of tolerating a ten year old who talks too much.

And as the final nail in the coffin, after the clichéd big budget, explosive climax, Iron Man destroys all his suits, and throws away the chest arc reactor into the sea. Because he wants to spend more time with Pepper Potts?

ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME? IRON MAN?? DESTROYING HIS SUITS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND??

Why don’t you show him drying the laundry and changing the diapers already?

 

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I don’t generally like to make judgements, but I will make one here. Unless you masturbate to Robert Downey Jr. twice a day, don’t take the trouble of going to the hall.

Wait for it to come on torrents, download it. Encourage piracy, spread some anarchy.

Iron Man is probably playing the piano for his girlfriend in their Italian villa.