My Biwi Sanskari-est

There is only one good thing about the IPL.

Actually, make that two.

1. You get to see Preity Zinta.
2. Some of the best ads of the year are out in this season.

There isn’t much I can say about Preity Zinta, but I can surely talk about the ads. From the iconic Zoozoos, to the hilarious Manoranjan ka Baap campaign, the IPL season is bonanza time for advertisers, copywriters, and marketers.

But watch the ads on a daily basis, and like Bishan Singh Bedi on acid, you begin to see patterns. Large, swirling patterns that pop out of the TV screen and come dancing in front of your eyes, like a prop on a Tim Burton movie.

You realise that there is no real fresh thinking when it comes to representation of people.

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Now, before you begin to accuse me of being judgemental, let me tell you that I am not being maniacal about it. Having worked for a few years as a Copywriter, this is certainly not the first time I am talking about ads (subtly plug in video of a Stand-Up act here).

I understand that there is a line between representation and stereotyping. That as an advertiser, you have a very limited time to sell your wares, and you have to use an image that carries across your point in the most effective way, in the quickest time possible.

Meaning, clichés.

Used images. Now, if I showed a sardar singing Thyagaraja keertanas, it might merely confuse the watcher. And so we resort to images that most draw a likeliness to what they’re likely to see.

I understand all of that.

Only, after a point, it gets too stifling.

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And among all the representations in Indian advertising, if there’s one that truly makes me want to pull my hair out in frustration, it is how women are shown.

According to the 2011 census, 48.28% of the country are women. Which comes to 614.4 million people. And yet, the Indian advertising sector, intuitive, dynamic, and whacky as they project themselves to be, choose three major ways of depicting women in advertising.

The three major categories are:

• The Unattainable Indian Woman
• The Slutty Indian Woman
• The Caring Indian Woman

[Readers might note that I am not including the women who want to get fair. I think by now we all agree that ALL women in our country want to get fair, and that is the only way to get successful in life. (Subtly add link to earlier blog here)]

 

1. The Unattainable Indian Woman

The Unattainable Indian Woman is placed on an altar. An altar that is higher than the rest of us (meaning, male). We need to aspire for her. Everything we consume – from toothpastes, to motorcycles, to hair gels, to cement – are all different means to attain the Unattainable Indian woman.

And as a result, every single ad you watch, will somehow be related to impressing a woman.

Want a new toothpaste? Here, use Close Up. Who knows when you might get a chance to blow some air into a girl’s mouth? Want a motorcycle, here take Bajaj Pulsar. It is definitely male, and as soon as you buy it, a woman will drop down from the sky, remove her saree, put on a short skirt, get behind you, and pout at the camera.

And on and on it goes, till it reaches an absurd level.

Take this advertisement by JK Super Cement, for example.

It shows a woman come out of the water in a bikini. And that’s it.

But before you scoff at the brainlessness of the ad, are you sure you understand it’s hidden meaning?

 

2. The Slutty Indian Woman

The second category of women shown on Indian advertisements are the loose-charactered sort. The sort that would make Baba Ramdev shut his right eye because the very sight of such ashleelata could curse a man, resulting in him being born as an armadillo in the next birth.

The Slutty Indian Woman has only one maqsad in life – to be slutty.

And so, whether she’s married, has a boyfriend, or even a child – don’t matter. If you use the right product, she will fling away the moh-maayas of the world that are holding her back, and run towards you.

 

Also, it must be noted that the Slutty Indian Woman will not just smile at you. She’s slutty, remember? She will bite her lower lip, run her hands through her hair, close her eyes, and breathe deeply. And then she’ll slowly slide her hand into your shirt.

All because you bought that hair gel for 12 rupees.

 

3. The Caring Indian Woman

This is the most common, and quite naturally, the most frustrating sort of Indian woman that one gets to see in our badvertisements.

This Caring Indian Woman wants nothing in her life. She is happy washing the children’s clothes (boy’s obviously! The girl is braiding Barbie’s hair, while the boy gets dirty in the mud outside). But don’t you worry, kiddo.

Magic Mommy will bring out the greatest detergent invented since Michael Jackson’s dermatologist and bleach it clean, till it reflects light off the sun, so much that the neighbours experience a solar eclipse.

And the Caring Indian Woman cares for everybody. Husband returns from work, must be tired. Let me stir something up for him!

A nice fruit juice that has all the minerals and nutrients required to pass a green light through his body and have him spring back to his feet, perhaps? Or may be a chai that has been made from the best tea leaves (picked by Caring Indian Women in Assam), so that he can go from Kamaal Rashid Khan to Salman Dabbang Khan in a matter of seconds.

And what about meals!

Oh God! What is a Caring Indian Woman if she doesn’t cook meals? So when the husband decides to invite his (male) friends over for lunch, Wifey will use the best oils, the catchiest masala, in the best possible utensils, and serve it out for all to see. Even Aishwarya Rai who has done many more films and enjoys a far superior career than her snail of a husband, will coyly point out to you that she uses Pigeon appliances to keep their love-nest happy.

So that the husband can gloat over his wonderful wife, while the guy next to him curses his wife for not being up to the mark.

 

Doesn’t it make you want to puke?

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Which is why, the recent string of ads by Havells had me impressed.

Women in rural India probably work harder than their male counterparts – helping out in the fields AND cooking at home. Women in urban India (especially the kind of families you are targeting) work too. And even if they don’t, there are other things on their mind than cooking wholesome meals for the entire fucking mohalla!

Women go to offices too, you tequila-shooting, goatee-wearing morons. When will you ever learn?

And that is why, the new series of ads by Havells kicks ass! Enjoy!

What a (rotten) Idea, sir ji!

Yet another Indian festival is coming up, and like every other brand, Idea has decided to make a new advertisement for Raksha Bandhan.

Every year, Idea has been making ads on everything that plagues the nation. Corruption, Cultural Differences, Overpopulation, Illiteracy, and Environment.

Each and every of those problems, solved by some half shit idea that wouldn’t be published in Champak, and a smug Abhishek Bachchan at the end smiling like he pooped an Oscar statue in the morning.

Now, I don’t have anything against bad ads. Pepsi has been making shitty ads since decades. Brainless montages of clips and punchlines that have no link whatsoever to each other. There’s no harm in that (except to MJ’s hair).

But it is pretentious ads that make me puke. And I don’t really see a point in it. I mean, it’s not as if you are educating the people about the problems of the country. Neither are you putting forth a serious (or even a funny) solution to the problem.

Instead, all the ads have asinine hypotheses like wives watching 3G on their phone to reduce population, or people using their phone numbers instead of their names. Which not only makes a mockery of the problems in the first place, they mock our intelligence. It is not interesting, it is not funny.

It is plain stupid. The kind of thing I would make my enemy watch on his deathbed.

With Rakhsa Bandhan coming up, the think-tank drink-drank at Idea Cellular decided to come up with another idea.

In this ad, a girl is riding towards somewhere, asks a cop for directions, and then ties him a rakhi. In the end, in the same smiling, pompous tone like in all their ads, we are told what a brilliant idea it is.

It is not, sir. It’s a fucking stupid idea.

Here’s why.

1. Cops are assholes.

The police is supposed to be the protector of law. The ones who enforce that everything goes in order and no one harms anyone else, and perfect law and order is maintained.

But in reality, the cops are hated. They are scoffed at, loathed, feared. Anything but respected. And with reason.

I have never seen one, not one, policeman who is polite, and seems like he is paid to follow some rules, and is not fucking Zeus.

The cops are bullies, modern day bandits who go around in their vans, immune and fearless – shouting, beating, bullying, and extracting money from anyone who they see fit, on that particular day.

No one questions it, no one says a word. You keep quiet and avoid a cop at all costs. I have seen young Home Guards – hardly 25 – abuse and slap an elderly gentleman. Films like Dabbang give the image of a cop a halo, making it even more acceptable that a cop can enter a room and start beating up people. No one finds any problem with that.

The government pumps in money, fuelling their vans, so these fat, unfit, uncouth bullies can go around striking fear in the hearts of people.

And no one says a word.

Transparency International, in its Global Corruption Barometer 2013 survey, that tracks public opinion on corruption, reported that about 75% of the country thought that the police was corrupt. Second only to political parties. Also, 62% of the respondents said they had paid bribe of some sort to the cops. Also, the figure for annual bribes paid on the road in India is 4.5 million dollars, and Transparency International themselves say this figure might be understated.

But it is not really the corruption that is unsettling about the cops. It is the impunity with which they treat people – like thieves and slaves.

But then, that’s not the only reason your idea sucks donkey balls. Here’s the second.

2. Cops don’t give a fuck about women.

Keeping general behaviour aside, cops mutate and transform into monstrous assholes when there is a woman involved.

You may get away with a few hundred rupees, or a litany of apologies, but take a walk with a girl at night, and you are walking around with a can of worms. They will haul you up, ask you for identification, your parents’ numbers, and generally talk to you as if you are a pimp and a whore, taking a walk in the night.

You have to watch how cops look at a woman in a police station, even if most times it is she who is the wronged one.

And before you accuse me of basing my opinion entirely on personal experience, kindly google up on crimes against women by policemen themselves. Forget sensitivity and a sense of duty, even basic courtesies aren’t observed.

An intelligent system identifies a problem, and tackles it in the most efficient manner. Crimes against women have been reported everywhere, even causing ripples in the heart of power in the country.

Do you think anything at all has been done, anything at all, to even solve a bit of the problem?

Zero. Zilch. Shunya.

On the other hand, Salman Khan, a criminal who ran over people, will star in Dabbang 34, Sanjay Dutt will star in Policegiri, and Ram Charan, who asked his bodyguards to beat up two software engineers on the road last month, will star in the remake of Zanjeer, where he will play a cop who beats up people.

I am sure he’ll be natural in the role.

And still, no one says a word.

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So dear head honchos at Idea Cellular, if you could step out of your boardrooms and have a look at the real world, a world that isn’t infested with Bachchans, you’ll realise that the girl would stand in front of a raging bull, than approach a cop. No good can come of that.

And oh, you should fire the guys who make your ads for you.

They’re fooling you. They’re whoring out the biggest problems of the country to you, making you seem like an educated, concerned conglomerate. Do you have an idea that you seem like a bunch of no-brainer idiots, parading around with your lazy, hair-brained ideas, that have no link to the product you’re selling?

No? Well, how about you get idea?

Unfair and Ugly !!

If one were to do an analysis of Indian television after the liberalisation phase, one striking feature will be the huge influx of fairness creams into our lives. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to remember any fairness cream ad during the Doordarshan days.

Is it that just after liberalisation happened, people started realising that they need to get fair? Was there a feeling that we need to be fair and ready to face the world? Or did the entire country just become dumb, after eating McDonald’s and drinking Coca Cola?

The earliest one I remember showed Genelia D’ Souza getting rejected for having no talents (the only shred of reality in the ad). She then, looks down dejectedly, and someone suggests she apply Fair and Lovely. She applies it, and lo and behold! She gets a ‘fair’ selection in the commentary box with Krish Shrikkanth. Which is a disturbing thought, considering that Srikkanth is now the Chairman of Selectors, and Virat Kohli applies Fair and Lovely. What message are we giving out to budding cricketers?

For years, we have tolerated outrageous ads that show girls who are rejected, unsuccessful, and untalented, change their fortunes, due to a fairness cream. It’s almost like saying, “Life is not fair, so you have to be.”

There have been fairness creams for girls, for women, for men, and for sportspersons. The ones for men are disguised under names like skin lightening, skin whitening, power whitening, and what not. I suggest some company comes out with a fairness cream for infants as well. Make the child fair from childhood, so that future is secure. And what about bure nazar wale? Why should their mooh be kaala? How about one for them too?

If we are showing girls of today that they need to be fair to be successful, what kind of message are we sending out? As long as there are ads like this, people like Shakti Kapoor will have something to do. Because we are endorsing the idea that good looks is the way forward, that one needs to apply fairness cream to get a job. It’s as if companies mention in the job notification – “Candidates who do not apply, need not apply.”

Then there are the ones that show the girl applying cream and becoming more presentable for the numbskull who has come to choose a bride. In the 30 seconds that the girl has applied the cream, everything about her changes. Her skin, her dressing, the walls of her house seem brighter, even her parents seem to be in a better mood. I am sure in a few days there will be a fairness cream for ‘maximum pleasure’ as well. Apply cream so that your wife looks fair, guaranteed to make you last longer.

It is revolting.

I don’t know who are the douschebags who do research and market surveys for these fairness creams. I am sure it is someone from Arindam Chaudhri’s ashram who dared to think beyond the IIMs. Well, here’s where you went wrong, dickheads:

DUSKY GIRLS ARE HOT.

Since times immemorial, from Draupadi to Chitrangada Singh, Indian men have fantasised about, worshipped, loved, chased, and proposed to dusky women. I am not saying fair girls are not hot, but not all of them are. If only being fair was enough to make someone hot, I’d have a Dolly Bindra wallpaper on my computer. There is nothing as sexy as a wonderful, intelligent, dusky girl. Dusky girls seem more earthy, and sensuous. I somehow have found fair girls to be more finicky about getting tanned in the sun, getting their skin dirty, about pimples, dimples, and crumples. I have always wondered if it was a constant pressure to remain fair. At the same time, I know morons, guys, who apply Fair and Handsome. May be they took the phrase ‘Everything is fair in love and war’ quite literally. It’s sad, because as long as you have men applying skin whitening shit on their faces, there will always be ads that talk about changing your life through fairness lotions.

My problem with the terms is more than just the usages. The problem is with the etymology itself. The word ‘fair’ has stood for “justice”, “nobility” and “good looking”. At the same time, “dark” has stood for the evil, the ignorant and the sinister. With the usage of these words, we are just reinstating what our idiotic ancestors thought of such issues. Our mythology is replete with stories of queens who are cursed by rishis for being too proud of their good looks. And what does the curse entail? That they turn dark and ugly.

While I do not have huge respect for such kind of stories, what is saddening is that our parents and grandparents have all believed that, and enforced it upon us.

If one believes that today’s people have gotten over such beliefs, one has to open a Matrimonial page and have a look. No matter what the religion, caste, educational achievement or income levels, what unifies us as a nation is our obsession with being ‘fair’.

Check this out: Wanted Fair, homely girl for boy, 28. B.Com now running family business. Caste no bar.

The guy is probably some dimwit who completed his graduation and now sits in his father’s sweet shop, but he wants a fair bride for himself! And notice the magnanimity in his search for the perfect girl. She can belong to any caste, but needs to be fair.

Fair is everything in love, obviously.

The Worst ads in this World Cup

Every World Cup comes with its own set of advertisements. The ads, and the jingles remain in your memory long after the World Cup has gone. Like the ‘Hoodibaba‘ and ‘Karlo duniya mutthi mein‘ ads in 2003 and the ‘Nothing Official About It’ ads in 1996, all of them remain etched in the memory for a long, long time.

This World Cup however, has to be the one with the worst ads ever. None of them make you see them again, and all of them seem to be setting really low standards in creativity, and then digging further.

Lets begin with the ones that seemed ok. Vodafone did live up to the hype created for the 3G ads, and the ads peaked at the right time. Just while I thought the Zoozoo ads were getting a bit laborious, the Zoozoo ad showed everyone who’s boss. The Change the Game series seemed ok if you could stretch your imagination a bit, and did not ask some vital questions. What, for example, was Dilshan doing, trying a saree in the first place?

I wish they had one for Shanthakumaran Psychopanth. They should call it ‘Pull Shot’. In this, the captain is behind the stumps and has a gun. When he sees Psychopanth abuse the batsman, he ‘pulls’ the trigger and the bowler is shot. Ho gaya ‘Pull Shot’.

But anyway, that is wishful thinking. Coming back to the ads, all of them seemed to be following the trend. For eg, all toothpaste companies still had the white coat man endorsing them. The lemon cola drinks had a close up, slo-mo shot of a face getting drenched with water, Rocky style. All the ads for TVs seemed to show that the picture is so realistic, that you will believe its all real.

But among this clutter, there are a few who have truly managed to catch the eye. So, here’s the countdown to the 5 worst ads of the World Cup. Thank God India won the World Cup, otherwise some Creative Director was going to be shot in the parking lot.

So without much ado, here are the five worst ads of the World Cup.

5: Krishidhan

This is a seed company, and in an act of terrific copywriting, came up with the tagline of ‘Beejon ka Tendulkar’. Sad news is, you cannot use the name of a cricketer who is already endorsing other products in the World Cup without paying him. But I am sure even Sachin let the company go scot-free after seeing the ads.

The Krishidhan ads seem like the serials in the afternoon slots in Regional Transmission in Doordarshan. There is a man, who is talking to a young man over the internet. The young man, whose hands are suspiciously under the table, is surprised to see his father on the internet and says, “Papa, aap yahaan?”

In the meanwhile, to show that the guy is in America, there are two American flags diagonally facing each other, on the guy’s desk. Then, his father explains to him how his life took a U-turn once they started using Krishidhan.

In a truly Swades moment, the son takes his hands out from under the table, and says, “Main wapas aa raha hoon, papa.”

4. Hyundai – New Thinking, New Possibilities

There is Shaan, ex-popular singer and annoying host of countless talent shows, sitting in a recording studio. He is given the mike, and he croons, “New Thinking. New Possibilities.”

Right then, we are shown a number of cars, that are forming the words ‘New Thinking. New Possibilities’ on the road.

Exactly. WTF??

3. Parryware – What a bathroom!

Though this ad should feature in the Hall of Fame of bad ads, it manages to stay third because of some truly inspiring stuff that is coming later.

This ad, reiterates the fact that India Inc. is yet to get out of the recession. A total of 15K must have been used for this ad.

An umpire is standing in a match. The crowds behind him, the cheering, the grounds, all fake. The bowler, of who we can only see the left hand, raises his hand and appeals to the umpire. The umpire raises his hand, looks at the camera with a ‘I did it in my pants before reaching the toilets’ look on his face, and raises his pinky.

The next shot, we are shown pictures of a bathroom, along with a voiceover saying, “Parryware. What a bathroom!”.

2: Suzuki Slingshot

This ad has the feel of a detergent commercial. It has all the features of an Indian ad – cute children, clean shaven fair man, hot girl, and annoying Sardar who begins every line with the word “Oye?”.

So this man is getting ready to go to work, and a kid throws him the keys, saying, “Bhaiyya, yeh lo aapka ‘O! Suzuki Slingshot’. The man wonders, “O! Suzuki Slingshot??”

In the next shot, he is shown kicking ass on the road, and wherever he goes, people say, “Oh! Suzuki Slingshot”. To add to the horror, there is a ‘Slingshot, slingshot’ track running in the background, sounding suspiciously like a Nirma ad.

At the end of the day, he gets the girl, and that kid comes back and gives him an “I told you so” look, and everything is right with the universe.

Except that the ad truly sucks.

1. Idea – Keep Cricket Clean

For a company whose tagline is ‘What an idea, sirjee!’, Idea comes up with the most disastrous ideas. Each of their ads, is pushing each other, fighting to break new barriers of stupidity.

At any given point of time, (even if you are watching Sahara Firangi), the worst ads are by Idea. After dishing out crap for two years, how does ‘Idea’ prepare for the WC? By making the baap of shitty ads.

The ads raise a few pertinent questions. Firstly, who is that woman who has the numbers of Clive Lloyd, Allan Border, Imran Khan, Kapil Dev and Ranatunga? Isn’t that unethical in the first place?

And what is Steve Waugh doing there, talking about keeping cricket clean? Where was he when his brother was talking to bookmakers? It so happened that somewhere in 1994, bookies asked Mark for information about the team and pitch.

“No Idea”, said Mark.

“Well, get idea”, said the bookies.

The ad makes you thankful in a way that India had never won the WC. Imagine Azharuddin talking about keeping cricket clean. If he told a journalist to ‘get idea’, trust me, he’d get ideas.

Not only does the girl seem extensively ignorant of an iota of common sense (“Sir, what to do when someone asks to throw away a match?”). What was she expecting? A tutorial video by Mohammad Asif??

The ad makes you cringe everytime you see it, and is another feather in the crap of Idea.

Like I said, thank god India won the World Cup!!

Sharing is Caring!

What is it with insurance advertisements in our country? I liked the one which had rupee notes falling off trees. That one was a childhood fantasy, but the others seemed like a trap. They show you the promise of a good life, followed by an InsureanceisthesubjectmatterofsolicitationPleasereadtheofferdocumentcarefullybeforeinvesting. I understand there is cut-throat competition in the industry and all that, but why are they hell bent on using scare-tactics so that we run and get ourselves one of their panaceas for a happily-ever after life?

As it is, the earlier ads were an eye sore. There is this one ad in which a kid goes around the house saying ‘Statue’ to everything. When her had asks her the reason, she says, “Papa, ab kuchh nahi badlega”. I mean, what do you expect? Your audience has the intelligence levels of an anteater?

The there was that one with this kid with a bad hairstyle which talks too much. “Papa, kya aap mere future ke baare mein soche hain?” Which child talks to his father like that? They are more into video games/clothes/latest mobiles, that kind of stuff. Future? Really?? Bad research, dude. They are children. They don’t bother about that their future.

But the recent ad from HDFC just takes things to a different sphere of what-the-fuckness.

There is this guy who is leaving on some tour. Next to him is his ‘friend’. Now, if you were leaving somewhere and someone was coming to see off, what would you expect him to do? Wish you good luck, give you a hug, promise to call, that kind of stuff. No? This dude has to sell you insurance. He has to sound like a pain in the ass. How else can he do it?

So, our guy is about to leave and is in the taxi. He takes out some money that he forgot to give his wife. Hint 1 that he is leading a good life: His wife doesn’t control his finances. On careful observation, he has about ten notes in his wallet, of which he takes out 3-4 for his wife. Hint 2: He is not miserly with his wife.

The ‘friend’ takes the money and then asks, “Listen, dude. What if you don’t come back for a week?”

“You are right. Here’s some more.” You can see the glint in his eye as he takes the additional amount of money. Not to be satisfied, he goes on.

“Listen, what if you don’t come for a month.”
“Haha, you got to be kidding.”

(Our insurance selling dickhead pauses for effect)

“What if you never return? Will this money be enough for your wife?”

ONE TIGHT SLAP!! “Get the fuck out of the car. You are eyeing my wife, and you are a pessimistic-fatalist-death predicting-cheapskate insurance seller who exploits his friends”. In normal life that is. But no, not happening here.

Our guy falls for the moron’s lame efforts and his head is bent with sorrow. He has to go on a trip, mind you. Then, wise insurance guy says, “Sar jhukake kyun baitha hai yaar?”

Well, let me guess. He is going away from his wife and kids, has forgotten to give them some money. His friend is probably eyeing his wife, and is basically being a dick. Isi liye sar jhukake baitha hai.

Wise insurance guy then tells him, “Sar utha ke jiyo”. What exactly is this ‘Sar uthake jiyo’ wala funda? I am not covered by any insurance and if I die, my family will only inherit lots of diaries and unwashed clothes. But I don’t walk with my head stooped down in sorrow. And do people who have their lives covered walk with their head held high, like cranes? Absolute rubbish, I say.