Make Old Monk the National Drink

Now that the Independance Day is gone and we have all done our bit for the nation by tagging each other to India flags, let me make a point that is not jingoistic, but is of immense importance to national affairs.

Few months back, the Indian government announced that Tea is going to be made the National Drink of India.

What really happens when something is declared as National? The tiger is our national animal, and no one gives a fuck. Hockey is our national game, and has as much fan following as Tushar Kapoor. Does declaring something as ‘National’ give it some special status or benefits? If yes, why is hockey in a dilapidated condition? Why do we only talk about tigers when a telecom company reminds us how many of them are left?

Is there any purpose to declaring something as ‘National’? Or is it just a symbol? If it is, I have a sincere suggestion.

Make Old Monk the National Drink.

Before you make an ‘o’ of offence with your lips, here is my explanation as to why Old Monk truly deserves the title.

 

1. Not everyone has tea: Tea or chai is not a pan-Indian drink. People down south swear by coffee and there is no single standard of chai in our country. Also, in urban milieu, most youngsters frequent coffee shops, making the whole coffee shop culture a part of our lifestyle today. The humble chai has to face stiff competition from terrible tasting cousins like herbal tea, black tea, and masala tea. Where is the ubiquity?

The ubiquity lies with the smiling buddha sadhu.

Old Monk : Available Everywhere. Even in Heaven.

 

Throughout the country, in ramshackle wine spots, bootleggers’ pockets, the most expensive bars, the rooms of students attempting IAS Exams for the ninth time, the Research scholar frustrated with life, the rich and the poor, the Ramu and the Shamu, and the Seeta and the Neeta – Old Monk enjoys a loyal following throughout the country. McDowell’s Rum is there, but it will always be like Lakshmana – the best rum when Old Monk is not available.

 

2. Tea does nothing to you:Remember that film where the hero downs a cup of chai and rushes to face the bad guys all alone and beats them to pulp? Or that other film where the heroine offers the hero a cup of chai and then they sing a wild song in the rain?

No?

Well, it’s for a reason. A chai is an everyday drink. You have it instinctively, without knowing it. And not once, but twice or thrice a day. It’s become such an integral part of lives, that there’s nothing celebratory about it anymore. Which defeats the purpose of a ‘National Drink’ anyway. I mean, then why not have the stray dog as the National Animal?

But look at Old Monk – Rain or shine, whether you passed or failed,whether the girl said ‘yes’, or filed an FIR against you – the square bottle of Old Monk just sits there, waiting for you to open the cap and the smell of sweet vanilla to waft into your senses.

Because of some guys in Boston in 1773, having a ‘Tea Party’ has different connotations. But say you’re having an Old Monk party, and look at the smile appear on the person’s face.

 

3. Old Monk is pucca desi: Tea has its origins in China. Imagine what Mamta Banerjee would say if we made something that originated in China, as India’s National Drink.

Plus, there are a thousand variants of tea today – herbal tea, soul tea, green tea, purple tea, and organic tea – half of them tasting worse than piss. (No, I didn’t taste it. My grandfather was Morarji Desai’s neighbour. Now fuck off!)

But anyway, the point is that tea has been had by people all over the world for centuries now. There’s nothing Indian about it. Also, if chai were to be declared the National drink, I could understand. But ‘tea’ as such, is quite vague – considering that we are the only country to have milk in our teas.

But Old Monk, my friend, is by Indians, of Indians, for Indians.

Owned by Mohan Meakin Pvt. Ltd, Old Monk is the third largest selling rum in the world, and India’s most exported liquor brand.

 

4. Old Monk doesn’t suck up to you: Unlike other brands,Old Monk doesn’t suck up to you with stupid surrogate ads asking you to make it large, with a stupid *Golf Accessories and Music CDs* written below it.

Old Monk has never had to do any advertising, and has consistently been the largest selling rum in the country for decades now. It has no cricketers, no film stars, no Bollywood villain endorsing it (like this video, where Amrish Puri unabashedly promotes Black Dog). It doesn’t need to buy an IPL team or a Formula 1 company. The owners don’t party on cruises and then not pay their staff for months.

It produces a product. People like it, they drink it. As simple as that.

 

5. Old Monk doesn’t want to change the country: Since the last two years, ‘change’ has been the buzzword. Without knowing what exactly we want to change, the whole country has been asking for change. The software engineer wants change because he saw a picture on Facebook about the crores of corruption, the middle aged want change because a spiritual guru demanded it, and the autowallahs ask for change because they hiked their rates by 3 rupees due to the petrol hike, even though they run on CNG.

Do you remember those Tata Tea ads that ask people to wake up? I found them stupid.

And with the kind of companies we have, you can imagine how mad the brands are going to go if chai is declared the national drink. I can imagine a Tata Tea Jaago Re campaign calling it the desh ka chai.

We don’t want anymore of that bull. Old Monk is just a drink, and professes to be no more than that.

 

And finally,

6. It is simply the best bloody drink around: Those who say they find Old Monk rough, and sip on vodka, are simply lying. Old Monk tastes better than all the vodkas of the world put together in a fridge with Katy Perry. Beer aficionados will beg to differ with me, but unless it’s Carlsberg, you are a little far from the truth.

Since its launch in 1954, Old Monk has remained the same. Vatted for seven years, and maintaining the same taste and bottle shape. In fact, there is a group called COMRADE – Council of Old Monk Rum Addicted Drinkers and Eccentrics.

So what is it about Old Monk that makes it different?

Is it the beautiful pirate bottle? Or the vanilla essence in the taste? Or is it the lack of any hangover in the morning the next day? I don’t know. May be its a combination of all the three, and more.

May be because it’s affordable. And when a few friends get together, Old Monk stands for a little fun, a little nostalgia, and some good time.

For all this and more, I propose that Old Monk be made the National Drink.

Hic !

The Curious Case of Uday Chopra

Last week, I came across a bit of news that was truly depressing.

No, it was not about India’s show in the Olympics. Neither was it about Aishwarya Rai’s weight. It was something more depressing.

Uday Chopra is apparently dating Nargis Fakri these days.

Those who have watched Rockstar would know who Nargis Fakhri is. Fans of her smoldering hot looks called her ‘Duck Face’ and those who weren’t impressed by her acting called her something that rhymes closely.

But no matter what your opinion, you cannot deny that Nargis Fakhri is undeniably hot.

Which now brings us to the topic of Uday Chopra.

It must be a great pressure to be Uday Chopra. Like Sachin Tendulkar’s son having the cricketing skills of Dodda Ganesh. Son of one of the biggest directors in the industry, family that owns one of the largest ‘camps’ and produces a slew of films every year, younger brother to Aditya Chopra, director of one of the biggest hits in the history of Hindi cinema. It must be tough.

It hasn’t been for want of trying, though.

Exactly, a decade back, Uday Chorpa stormed into our lives and on to our nerves, and quickly got under our skins. If failure is the pillar to success, Uday Chopra was on the way to building a magnificient Hampi Temple with his body of work.

Here is a walk-through of his work.

Ladies and Gentlemen, kindly leave your footwear outside and step in.

Thank you.

Mohabbatein: Directed by Aditya Chopra after the humungous success of DDLJ, Mohabbatein was set to be the next blockbuster of the decade. Boasting of a cast that included Amitabh Bachan, Shah Rukh Khan, and Aishwarya Rai, the film also had six youngsters who find love and happiness thanks to the almighty powers of their music teacher Shah Rukh Khan. Even though he doesn’t hold the violin correctly, he teaches the students enough to learn that music is about falling in love, and falling in love is what life is all about.

Mohabbatein was also the debut of a young Uday Chopra. Even though many people saw him on the poster and went “Mohabbat! Aein??”, it was to be the launch vehicle for the son of the Chopra clan.

But it didn’t take long to notice that acting was neither in his jeans, nor the T-shirt he took off at regular intervals.

The film didn’t perform as well as expected, but Uday was hopeful of a better showing with the next film.

Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai: His next release was a love triangle that went under the title ‘Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai’. Inspired from the hit ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ – the filmmakers didn’t even bother to change the title.

A film that rested on the reliable shoulders of Jimmy Shergill and Uday Chopra

Starring Uday Chopra, Jimmy Shergill and Tulip Joshi, the film had Uday playing the hero’s best friend, who until she sits on the shaadi ka mandap, doesn’t realise that her heart truly beats for her best friend and not her lover. The film sank. Tulip withered, Jimmy vanished so much into the oblivion that people still play the song “Jimmy, Jimmy. Aaja Aaja” in front of his house in the morning to taunt him. But Uday Chopra soldiered on.

Charas: His next film was ‘Charas: A Joint Effort’. Not many understood the word play in the titling there, but almost everyone understood that the film had nothing much to offer. It was the time when romantic comedies were seeing a decline in success rates, and the film, dealing with subjects like drug cartels in Manali, failed because of some lame acting by its cast. The chief villain, Irrfan Khan, however would go on to become an actor of repute in the years to come.

But Uday Chopra would strive on, carving yet another spectacular pillar on the way to his Temple.

Mujhse Dosti Karoge?: Fresh after the intergalactic success of Koi Mil Gaya, Hrithik Roshan and Kareena Kapoor got together again, even though the harrowing yaadein of their earlier film had barely been erased from our minds. Hrithik Roshan and Kareena Kapoor got together with Rani Mukherjee to star in a film about love and friendship. Uday Chopra got in through Management Quota, filling the space of the good guy who sacrifices his love so that the film can get over and people can go home.

Uday Chopra is paired with Rani Mukherjee, but alas! the fates work against him. Rumours of Aditya Chopra’s affair with Rani have begun to float, leaving brother Uday with nothing but a large heart to show. And he showed more than just a large heart in his next film.

Dhoom:

Touted to be the relaunch of the Chopra son, the Indian version of Fast and Furious turned out to be Miscast and Dubious, with Chopra playing a racer who helps a cop who never catches the culprits.

Some of the lameness of the film was shared by Abhishek Bachhan and John Abraham, and the slow-motion shots and loud background score. The highlight of the film was Uday Chopra’s pairing with Esha Deol, who looked so feminine that the two of them reminded viewers of Jai and Veeru.

The film, however, was a huge hit, and Chopra’s career got a shot in the arm.

Dhoom 2: The second installment had Uday Chopra playing the same guy, with Bipasha Basu as his partner. In a masterstroke of scripting, Abhishek Bachhan and Uday Chopra travel to Brazil to catch the most dreaded thief in the world. But upon seeing his love, Bachhan decides to forgive him. Just Like That. He comes back home empty-handed, in the process waving a huge middle finger to things like laws, work ethics, and accountability to senior officials. The film didn’t do much for Uday Chopra’s standing in the industry, though.

 

Uday Chopra had the customary song in the film, and nothing much apart from the usual goofing around. This film, again, was a huge hit, but saying that it was because of Chopra is like giving Sharad Pawar the credit for India’s World Cup victory.

Pyar Impossible: Paired with Priyanka Chopra, the only good thing about the film was the realistic title it had. The story of a geek who falls in love with the class chick and is heartbroken, only to come back into her life seven years later after inventing the world’s greatest Operating System which gets stolen when his enemy copies it from his Pen Drive (I’m serious).

When I first saw the trailer of Pyar Impossible, I chuckled at the sheer arrogance with which the producers went ahead to make a film from a story that was written by Uday Chopra. Before the release of the film, Karan Johar, India’s BIS Halmark on everything to do with Family and Morals, had this to say about the film,

“It has a subliminal message which is delivered without preaching to a world where people are very physically oriented.”

A team of experts translated the statement into layman terms, and it read something like this:

“I watched the film. It sucks donkey balls. Now someone please pass the Cocaine!”.

Uday Chopra’s wet dream of being a star pretty much dried up after Pyar Impossible flopped. He was no where to be seen or heard, except when people would crack a few jokes.

Teacher: “Give me an example of an Oxymoron.”

Student: “Uday Chopra…LOL”

You almost felt bad for the guy. He tried his best, trying to be a romantic hero, action hero, and comic hero. And each time, ending up as a tragic hero. In spite of all his attempts, the fact that he had all the charm of a water buffalo, worked against him.

The last I heard of him was in a news article, where he told the reporter that he was having a great time at Las Vegas. In fact, just the previous night, he had been kicked out of a bar for taking off his shirt. In response, Uday said, “I was just trying to impress a chick.” (Link).

He also announced that Dhoom 3 was to be his swan song, he would retire from acting after its release. May be concentrate on film making and return to haunt the industry after a break of a few years.

********************

Everything was fine till this story surfaced in a column in the newspaper. That Uday Chopra was dating Nargis Fakhri.

I mean, that’s simply not done, man.

Dear Uday Chopra, we as a nation have been kind and tolerant with you.

We have paid money and willingly subjected ourselves to you. We don’t mind if you continue to make films. Reboot it as Mere yaar ki teesri shaadi hai. Release Dhoom – 27. Write and act in Pyar Impossible – 4, like the other franchise with the similar name. We wouldn’t mind in the least.

But, you dating Nargis Fakhri is simply unfair. It’s a cruel reminder to us, of how ordinary our lives are, and how unfair the world is.

After all those films, is this how we are repaid?

My Memory of Rajesh Khanna

It’s now been three weeks since Rajesh Khanna passed away, and the accolades and tributes have dried up.

The last couple of years witnessed a number of celebrity deaths, and the tributes that follow a celebrity’s death always intrigue me. It’s such a funny thing, isn’t it?

We lead our lives under the illusion of control, doing what we do, making choices we make, going about it like we are the centre of the universe.

Yet, when we die, we have no control over how people will remember us. What will be said of our lives, and what it will be exalted, or reduced to.

Memories are funny things. We choose the bits we like, safely tucking away the rest under the blanket of our mind, never to be looked at again. Javagal Srinath, probably India’s greatest fast bowler, slogged his ass off for fifteen years, consistently clocking speeds of 140 kph on dusty, lifeless Indian tracks. And yet, when we are asked to pick one fast bowling moment from the 90’s, it will always be Venkatesh Prasad bowling out Aamir Sohail, off a lame delivery. Cruel, cruel things, these memories!

When Dev Anand passed away, people spoke about his evergreen spirit. When Dara Singh died, people spoke of a person with a golden heart.

When Rajesh Khanna died, there was no mention of his good deeds, of how he was a simple man who helped others, of his humility. Zilch. The tributes revolved around his superstar status, and the timeless songs in his films.

If you dug a little deeper, you’d find stories that revealed an egomaniac, conniving superstar who couldn’t come to terms with his decline, and who would go to any lengths to sabotage the careers of others. (Link)

I couldn’t believe these articles. Not that I doubted their credibility, but it was hard for me to digest the fact that the smiling, winking man who wooed women with his charm, could be a monster off the camera.

Does it change my opinion of the man? Not in the least.

As human beings, we judge people on the basis of how they treated us, and Rajesh Khanna gave me moments of pure joy.

Whether it was Yeh kya hua, the amar song from Amar Prem, a must sing song when I get drunk, or the melancholic Babumoshai moment in Anand, Rajesh Khanna held a special place in my heart. An image of the smiling, affable romantic hero.

But it all changed one night when I was watching late night TV.

The scene was of a typical retro disco number. Lights, rotating stage, trumpets, and in walked the man.

And on came the song.

Duniya mein, logon ko, dhoka kabhi ho jata hai….

I had found this song terribly cool, whether it was the original, or the way it was used in Vishal Bharadwaj’s Kaminey.

When I watched the song, I knew why it was legendary. And right then, a lasting impression of the man was imprinted in my mind.

Whether it is the way he turns to face the camera in a red, velvet blazer, as RD Burman screams “Heeeeeeeya……”

 

 

……or when he slides on to the dance floor…

 

…… or when he has all the women of the house dancing to his tunes…..

 

……. serenading the extremely sensuous Mumtaz with his moves.

 

Only someone at the peak of their superstardom could carry off a costume like that, and elevate a song to the levels of awesomeness that will remain bloody cool, even after forty years.

Not for me the white dhoti clad babu of Amar Prem, or the smiling chocolate boy of Aradhana. Rajesh Khanna was a player if there ever was one. He was in a string of relationships, and had a nation of girls swooning over him. Girls married his photographs, and wailed with grief when he married Dimple Kapadia, then merely 16 years old.

This song epitomises the player Rajesh Khanna was.

And this, will remain my memory of Rajesh Khanna.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUpihj_7Cmk

Anna’s Political Party

Two years ago, people were going on candle light marches on the streets, shouting slogans. College goers were sharing status updates calling out for participants. Missed calls and messages were being sent to people everywhere in the country.

Social networking sites, telecom operators, and candle sellers were making merry. The politicians were, of course, too busy not giving a fuck.

A professor at the University of Hyderabad had this interesting point to share about the difference between the movements of Subhash Chandra Bose and Gandhi. While Bose implored Indians to join the army, fight, and give their blood for freedom, Gandhi understood the Indian psyche better. He asked Indians to stay at home as part of the Non-Co-operation movement, as a means to win freedom. There’s no guessing whose method got the most support!

The Anna Hazare movement also did things that would get the attention of any Indian. It provoked an extreme hatred for politicians (something our films have instilled in us since decades), raked up statistics on the crores lost to corruption (don’t we all love numbers?), and used the right words like ‘change’ and ‘good politicians’.

The whole country got into the debate. You were either with Anna, or against the country. There were no shades of grey in between where you could sit down and relax. Facebook became the battlefield for numerous status updates and debates.

And then, like everything else, the movement fizzled out. People stopped coming to the dharnas, and the media started to question Anna’s grasp over the country’s people.

With Anna announcing the formation of a political party, a new debate has set in. Some feel that Anna is becoming as corrupt as the other politicians and are vehemently opposed to his political move.

In my opinion, however, this is the best thing to have come off the campaign.

One of the things that pissed me off about the campaign was the way the supporters targeted the Congress for corruption. Personal remarks against Sonia Gandhi’s origins, Manmohan Singh’s voice, and Chidambaram’s dhoti reek of a dismal sense of humour, and an acute lack of political awareness.

For one, it is not as if only the Congress is corrupt. The Congress is in power in about ten states in the country. What about the other states? Are they clean as clean chits?

And for all the blame that the Congress has got for not passing the Lokpal Bill, no one talks about the opposition parties who stalled it. No matter what the reasons, until a consensus is reached at the Lok Sabha, a Bill cannot be passed. But no one seems to speak about it.

With Anna announcing a political party, the real fight begins now.

Anna Hazare: Is HE the MAN ?

Anna has got huge support and a general sense of goodwill in the urban areas, but it will be the interiors that will be the real challenge.

Also, fighting for power at the centre only on the plank of corruption will be a huge gamble. There will have to be a set agenda, and a plan for mobilising the grassroots.

I have always maintained that corruption is an urban issue. Ironically, the rural areas are the worst hit by corruption, and yet there are more urgent things to worry about for the rural Indian – rainfall, PDS, delivery of amenities like health and education. All of which, is indirectly affected due to corruption itself. It is one huge, stinking, overflowing gutter. And Anna has taken a bold step by holding a broom and deciding to plunge into the gutter.

Another glimmer of optimism is the percent of youth who actually cast their vote. Half of India’s youth did not cast their vote in 2009, and the numbers sank even further in urban areas. If Anna floats a political party, I’m hoping at least some of the youth will be inspired to cast a vote.

Some are cynical that Anna’s party will stand no chance against the mighty parties that have spent decades swimming in the gutter. Well, welcome to reality, guys! If change was possible instantly, it would be available at McDonald’s in two minutes.

One person cannot change the country instantly. That only happens in Shankar’s films. So the next time you crib about the dismal state of politics in the country, go out and cast a vote. Anna’s in the race too, and if you have lost all hope, at least vote for the broom.

And all Anna supporters who spam walls with pictures and slogans, put your vote where your mouth is.

Go and cast your vote. Change will come.

Jism 2 Review – Don’t hold your breath

Those of us who have been surfing the internet for more than five years now, will surely be acquainted with Sunny Leone.

They will also be aware that Sunny, like her namesake whose hands weigh 2.5 kilos each, will stop at nothing to entertain the audience. We are also aware that she is capable of more than one expression.

What we didn’t know however, was whether she could act in a Hindi film.

Like many other Doubting Thomases, I walked into the cinema hall to watch Jism 2.

Over the years, erotica has been fused with other genres in cinema. There is of course, erotica with drama in thrillers, erotica with horror in the countless date horror movies, erotica with gore like in the Hostel series.

Jism 2 goes where no other film has gone. It is erratica mixed with unintended humour.

I always thought that Sunny Leone was quite pretty. And honestly, if Celina Jaitley and Tanushree Dutta can survive for ten years here, surely acting cannot be that much of a burden. I thought history was being made in Hindi cinema.

Within five minutes, I was laughing.

Sunny Leone plays Izna, a porn star who is contracted by Intelligence officials to spy on a suspected terrorist who has a lot of sensitive information with him. But instead of arresting him, they set a trap for him, by asking Izna to seduce him.

Trouble is, Izna knows the guy very well. They had spent one song together six years back and in the morning the guy packs his bag and leaves Sunny Leone. Now she has to fight her emotions and do her bit for the country.

She says, “Desh ke liye toh main bahut kuchh kar rahi hoon. Apni kapde uthar ke.” When I heard the dialogue, I turned to see if the guy sitting next to me was a Bajrang Dal worker.

What follows after that is a highly illogical but extremely entertaining two and a half hours. It seems like the whole film is an extended ‘Bloopers’ session.

But there is someone else who needs special mention. Arunoday Singh.

As the Intelligence Officer, he matches Sunny Leone step for step when is acting. When she is not acting, he acts for the both of them – that’s the level of overacting that the guy does.

Watch the pain in his eyes when he confront Izna by saying, “You fucked him!”, or his mind-bending intelligence when he kills a man and buries his body on the beach. Or the way he picks up a woman at a bar, and then in the room, reveals, “Main intelligence ka aadmi hoon.” Quite apparent, that.

Another stellar performance is by Arif Zakaria, jiska koi baal bhi baanka nahi kar sakta hai. Not because he is very powerful, but because of the ridiculous wig he wears all through the film.

But finally, it is Sunny’s show. Using her vast experience, she comes up with a variety of expressions to suit each and every feeling of the protagonist:

1. Pain: Breathing heavily

2. Excitement: Heaving the bosom

3. Fear: Heaving the bosom with pursed lips

4. Anger: Breathing heavily, heaving bosom, and pursed lips.

In short, one size fits all.