Month: May 2008

FILM REVIEWS :

U,ME AUR HUM : After the deeply touching Taare Zameen Par, Ajay Devgan wields his hand at direction with UMAH.UMAH,at best,is a watchable movie. It’s the story of Ajay, a bachelor who loves to booze(he ones actually has 24 drinks before talking 2 the girl !!).He falls for a barmaid on a cruise.After the serenading and some bad songs,she falls for his charms.Later on,Ajay realises that it’s tougher to be in love than to fall in love.His wife suffers from Alzheimer’s and he has to choose between the woman he loves,and his future.You’d think that with such a script and fine actors,it would be a sure shot success.That isn’t so because of 2 reasons.
1)it’s a rip off of “Notebook”
2) It has been severely tampered with.

The unnecessary wide angles & cheesy lines add to your discomfort.Sample this : “Men are like mice,always looking for holes” Or d time when 1of d guys asks for 2 minutes & Ajay says “Sirf 2 minute lagte hai tujhe?” For someone as cheesy as me,these lines made me cringe.The unnecessary bickering between Divya Dutta and Sumeet Raghavan gets on your nerves after a point.Also,the supposedly ironic scene wen Ajay meets a patient when he comes to admit Kajol in the hospital.Unnecassary.The music is a disappointment.Vishal Bharadwaj is on a downward slide after Omkara and No Smoking.Ajay Devgan,as a director shows d capabilities of a seasoned director.If u do watch d movie,watch d “lizard” scene,d only few moments dat had me hooked.
The saving grace of d movie r d performances.Of the cast,apart from the permanent hint of cleavage, Divya Dutta shows little of her acting talent.Summet Raghavan is a plesant surprise.Ajay Devgan finally does a role he seems confortable in.The best reason to watch the movie is Kajol.Full of energy,and minus a lot of weight,she is all grace.After her ‘flab’-bergasting performance in Fanaa,you feel a lot better watching a slimmer Kajol.She’s proof of the fact that form is temporary,class is permanent ! Watch it if u r a die-hard fan of Kajol.or if ur girlfriend is nagging you to.u may as well hold her hand to “comfort” her while she’s doing d weeping !!

JANNAT : 2/5
Yet another movie from the Bhatt camp with Emraan Hashmi and a new girl.Thank God this one doesnt have any extra marital affair or songs in the rain.Jannat is the story of a street smart guy ,played by Hashmi.He lives life on his terms.He falls for a girl working in a call centre who’s got so much make up on,you’d think she was getting married in the evening.he borrows money from his friend to repay a local don but he blows it away on a ring for the girl.Now,normally,you;d want to slit his throat for being so stupid,but what the heck,its a Hindi movie.But wait,theres more,.apart from the apparent lack of brains,Johnny Boy has got more talents.He can predict,and how ! wickets,runs,bowler,batsman,anything to do with cricket,and he knows it all.So,he decides to devote his life to the noble cause of betting and match-fixing.One thing leads to the other and ,very soon he’s playing with the big boys.Shifting base,he’s now in South Africa.But he;s got his Miss goody two shoes girlfriend who keeps on telling him “Mujhe tumpe yakeen hai ” and all that .What happens after that,you have to watch the movie to find out.Now,the thing that works for Jannat is that the idea is fresh.Kunal Deshmukh doesnt do a bad job as a director.Bhatt camp has found a sure shot formula for success.sign up hashmi,a new heroine,add a few good songs and bingo !! money recovered.What doesnt work for Jannat is that apart from the idea,the execution could have been better.There are too many boring references to his poverty filled childhood days in a chawl and Hashmi’s character almost makes it sound like a rags to riches story throughout the movie.Making a movie on betting and match fixing is one thing,but taking it as far as the Bob Woolmer murder ? Not happening,dude.The Pakistani captain even starts every line with “Masha allah…” Beat that .Among the cast,Emraan Hashmi is ok.But then,after doing so many movies you’d expect a guy to be able to carry a film on his shoulders.Its an Emraan hashmi show all the way.
finally,jannat is just about average.if u have 2 hours free,u are better off watchin the finals of roadies.but if u decide to go,dont expect too much,and u wont be disappointed .

Back to school-part 3

My classmates are such lazy bums.we were in parthi for 3 days and the only time they seemed enthusiastic to do anything was when we had to go the stores so that they cud hog on the pizzas.if they had their way,they’d lie in bed all day.not that i am any different,but u want to do something after sometime.there’s mukesh(http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=13879919431321855841). ask him to count upto 50 and he’ll fall asleep before reaching 25 !! then theres mohanty (http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=912084913067452439). he had sprained his foot and was dying to eat pongal.and all the others were busy ogling at this south indian actor called Shreya.There are two things that our class guys can do forever.One,trouble Chandan.And the second,stare at Shreya.”Man.just look at her….I could stare at those all day.”,says Mohanty.Thats when I decide,we HAVE to go to PS.I had already watched Shreya danced with fat,mustachioed actors for 3 days now.as always there are some sceptics.we had already been there last year.we had snaps of last years’ pics.only a few teachers there recognised us.it couldnt be any better than last year,rite ? WRONG !!!!

This time when we had gone to PS,we realised that the kids there had become much smarter.One of the guys said,”Brother,u look like Suneil Shetty”.(Not to me,the maximum i can manage is a shreesanth !) he told that to Shivram(http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=15477054785678027695), I guess.Anyway,so i said ”Oojaaar, u took a film actor’s name aa? ”.He says ”He was in Phir Hera Pheri.they showed us that movie.” so he could take his name !!Another kid showed us how thy smuggle in toffees these days. They stuff at te bottom of those white ‘Vaseline petroleum IP’ jars and smuggle them in.After he showed the process,i wondered if it was all worth it,only for a nutrine maha lacto !! Its such a pleasure to talk to those kids.We asked them who was their favourite teacher. “Seema mam !!” they shouted.then i asked them “who’s the worst teacher?” there was a silence.they looked at each other.One of the guys moves his lips.it wasnt audible,but i could bet on the huge Vibhuti on my forehead that he was saying ”Sheshukumari mam”.We also asked them ”Who’s the strongest God?””Shiva”.one of them said”No.Hanuman.he can carry mountains.””But Shiva only gave him power,ok?”The only place where u’ll find kids fighting over who’s the most powerful God.Dear old PS !!

One kid asked KSS ( http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=7087856872831756250) to dance for him.But since we were in the Old prayer hall or there were teachers around, he couldn;t do it.But that fellow has remembered the kid’s name and class and will dance for him next year. Talk about being obsessed with oneself !!We took a lot of pics with them.Its still the same.Every class has got the one smartass who always gives wisecracks for answers and makes everyone laugh.And there will be this cute nepali kid,and the ‘rowdy’ from Orissa.and there will be this silent kid named ”Kodanda Ram” or something. His Vibhuti from morning Darshan would still be intact and he’d be ”best in Vedas”. !!!And those kids are damn sweet,man.Even Mohanty(http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=912084913067452439 ) thought they were sweet.Beat that !! They guy thinks physics problems on Aerodynamics are sweet.And he thought the kids were really sweet.While we were leaving, a kid calls him to a side,slips a toffee into his pocket and says,”Brother,you have it and share it with your friends.”We were all shocked to silence. These kids were too adorable to be true !!

Back to school part- 2

after that,HM aunty asked us to have lunch in the school itself.(KSS is like,”SHR,if we’d cum yesterday itself,we cud have had breakfast,tiffin,lunch,everything here itself).we asked aunty if we cud visit d classes.she said “okay,but dont go to the girls classes”.u cud see the disappointment on the guys’ faces.we went to see the dorms before having lunch as it was still 11 AM.firstly,we went to the primary wing.the corridor still has the same smell…the hoardings that were there(theres this one of a woman.sum1 says “she’s my mom.she’s my daughter,she’s my wife….”).the classes are still named “amartya,Agyana,Aruna” sumthng,i dnt remember).sheshukumari mam is now the class teacher of I-A.prema sister(mam,whats the time?”Time is God”) of II-A.guess which is the best class?…Seema mam’s of course.we went to her class and it was like disneyland.on the board was written,”Keep ur clothes(sports clothes)neatly on the desk”.her handwriting is like calligraphy.we took snaps with mam and after that went to see the other classes.all of them were pretty much the same.there was this class(IV-A),as soon as we entered,the guys stood up and said “sai Ram brother…”and one guy was ready to give a speech.we shud have known….their class teacher was Anantalaxmi mam.

after that,we go to the dorms,they are all pretty much the same.they’ve got cots these days in all the dorms,so they cant play cricket,towel-hockey and other crazy games.tulsi amma is still there.she remembers no one,but she always seemed extra-terrestrial to me anyway.In the 3rd-4th dorm(bull amma’s kingdom),banians are hanging on the strings and underwears on the windows.The bathrooms are now tiled.The dhobi box is full of dirty clothes.the dorms seem conjusted somehow.the prayer hall with the pics of Swami is the same.the tortoise or wotever is still there.there are around 7-8 idols of Ganesha on the “brothers” side.The harmonium still works but the tabla is a different story altogether.After that we go the dining hall for lunch.the menu is paneer curry,chapathi,curd,rasam and that red mango pickle.we chant bramharpanam…(dinesh doesnt know the lines and is fumbling,mukesh is re-writing the upanishads with his own version).after that we start hogging lik wild pigs.kitchen aunty is ready to serve us how many ever helpings of paneer curry.but as we’d earlier agreed,all of us took our chapathies,dipped it in rasam(the top part),and ate it.

BACK TO SCHOOL

MNK suggested that we go 2 PS.but i was like “pack off”(LINGO).cozwe’d gone 2 senior hostel and the sirs there cud barely remember us.and then thr wer rumours tht Muni Unty had been reading all our posts in orkut and wasnt happy about them.but finally we met S.Vijaylaxmi mam after bhajans and she asked us to come to school.so then we decided to go…PS also hasnt changed.there was that sevadal room and there was a notice pasted on it.”NO PARENTS MEET TILL JANUARY 11TH,SPORTS DAY” in seema mam’s neat handwriting.and that muslim postman with a long beard still gives the letters to PS.(sorry abt all the intricate details,guys.but i seriously luv the place).then we went to the school.the Krishna statue has been painted and the honeycombs have been taken off.he’s lookin as chubby as ever.the pond with the 3 nude angels covering their unowot with pots is still there but thrs no watre in it anymore.u can only find brrom in it.and remember the 3 steps tht wer thr frm the lobby?now its a slope instead.and guess who shud we meet 1st on entering the school but bull amma(wearing the same old dark maroon saree).strangely,she doesnt look that intimidating anymore.in fact,she looked pretty kind…..till a 1st std. guy came in front of her and u cud see a transformation,”Yaaaeee,go bite ra,donga sanyasi blah blah blah…”.all the memories came flooding back.standing here and being checked for toffees after parents meet,crying after our parents readmitted us aftr holidays and whn friends teased us,saying “sumthng fell in my eyes,yaar”.every1 of us was dumbstruck,we culdnt say a word.(except tht idiot KSS,of course,who was busy ogling at sum1).slowly,we entered the school…..

as soon as we entered,we saw warden aunty sitting on the chairs in the lobby.she’s not active as before,but get on her wrong side and she can still pack a punch.(I know,i was there!).we asked her if she still served chapathies(YUP!!!she does.later on Prasunna mam told us that she used to keep aside the larger chapathies for d 7th std. guys).The lobby’s also the same.to the left,u have the 4 houses & to the rite u have the photos of a couple along with the sign “SARDA CRAXI BLOCK”.children are playing around in the lobby.some1 complains to manorathi mam,”mam he;s pinching me,mam…..”.we are asked to go to the dining hall.NOW….how many memories attached to this place.unlike the senior hostel where d dining hall tripled up as prayer hall and video show hall and XII std. guys’ bedroom,the gud part abt the PS dining hall is that its meant xclusively for hogging.the quoatations that Aarti aunty had painted are still there.the pest-o-flash above the food counter,the brown colour plastic glasses,the plates,the mats that we stuffed chapathies under,the division between “brothers side and sisters side” where the buckets of rasam and the kettles of milk r kept,the “pantries” as we called them.HM aunty was sittin on the platform for teachers’ food.its strange,but even now i kinda get scared…coz all thru my school life,i had only gone to aunty when there wer sum cases.but this time she was all smiles.”Sai Ram bache”.now if i had to xplain what we felt at that time,i have to post at least sum 20posts.coz,these people are amazing.(even though we guys keep on cribbin abt various aspects of d school,visit it again,n u’ll see small things like buffalo’s milk after mornin darshan dont matter at all).she rememberd everybody!!!!by their name,place,gender(obviously)and pranks.as soon as she saw us,she started off,”U r mukesh,u r dinesh,naveen,then she pointed at me……oriya rowdy.BINGO!!!.

Enrico and the animals :

Except homo sapiens, Enrico was generally kind and benevolent to all other species. Dogs, cats, millipedes, centipedes, lizards, dragon-flies, you name it.

You should have seen him with the dogs. He was Father Christmas for them !! He fed them bread, rotis, naans, cake, wafers, biscuits and what not. Some of the Alsatian-like dogs in the Ashram must have been reared by him. If there was anyone he dint like, it was honey bees.

If he saw a bee-hive, he would immediately pick up a stone and throw it at them. He had a logic behind it, he said “The bees never attack the person who attacks them”.

He, however, forgot to mention that the beehive was in the 2nd floor and he was on the ground floor. So when a few girls came shrieking out of the dorms with bees in their hair, he would give me the “been there-done that” look and say “See,I told u na ?”

When we were in 8th standard, me and a few others had hidden 2 puppies on top of the gymnasium. They were christened “Rambo” and ”Rocky”. Sadly they dint live as long as their more famous namesakes. In class 9,we found a little bat. It was full of fleas and couldn’t fly. Now, love is blind, and so are bats. Enrico found that little thing ‘adorable’. The bat was made to hang upside down on a stick ,that was then kept in a cardboard box. I was given the box for safekeeping.

Our class teacher objected and I had to return the kid to his foster father. God knows what happened to it later.

And in Primary School when we guys used to sit in the prayer hall, we were trying hard to concentrate on God, bliss, and happiness. Enrico, meanwhile was happy pursuing cockroaches, lizards and frogs. He put up quite a show for the girls.

He would hold cockroaches by their antennae. And he’d hold lizards as if he was Steve Irwin explaining why they looked so hideous. He’d prod and poke millipedes till they coiled up, and then put them on his tongue and say

“You want a chocolate ? Take….AAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN….”

…..and chase you through the dormitory with his tongue sticking out

THE BEST OF ENRICO

This has nothing to do with Primary School. But a bio on him would be incomplete without this incident. I still get tears in my eyes out of laughing……

This happened in 10th. Enrico by then was 1 year my junior. Venkateshwarlu sir had seen the two of us run away during darshan to buy stuff. So, the next day after everyone had gone for darshan, he called me to his room and beat me up.

Enrico came up to my room (I was in C floor) and said, “I’m sorry man. You got beaten because of me”. We were talking, when all of a sudden, Venku entered the room. He was pissed, man. He got a stick and thrashed the life out of Enrico.

I don’t know if it was an emotionally charged moment or because Venku was really strong, but Enrico started crying. Venku was shocked. This guy, who was a pain in the ass for everybody for 10 years was crying?????

So, he bent down and said, “Enrico, are you crying?”

Enrico looked up slowly, looked into Venku’s eyes and said….

“No,I’m peeing from my eyes….”.

WHAM!!! The whacking continued….

Now that the IPL has become such a huge success, and Lalit Modi is being lauded for his organising skill, I know a person who can put Modi to shame. Pintu Bhai, my neighbour.
He is my neighbour and an amazing character ! He is always devising newer methods to make or save money. And I have been an accomplice on more than one occasion.

I remember we had stood for 2 hours in line for tickets for ‘Kaal’ and then 1 of the guys couldn’t make it. So, we decided to sell the tickets in black. He planned the entire thing out. We’d start selling them just 10 minutes before the show. So we waited. Policemen were stationed to avoid blackers. There were 3 of us. Each went to different corners. Within minutes, he was surrounded by a huge group of people. The actual blackers there weren’t amused, though. They roughed him up, and we had to request them to let us go as our ‘elder brothers’!!!
There was this time when he had organised a cricket tournament. He got printouts, distributed them. I travelled with him, encouraging ‘local talent’ to participate in this amazing series. Some of the teams were worse than the ‘Lagaan’ team. Finally, there were 12 teams in the competition.

He formed different groups and they were to play 3 matches against each other, and then advance to the semis. God knows what he had calculated, because we realised that finally, there were 4 teams in the final !!! A fight broke out. The final was called off.
Who had the last laugh ? Pintu bhai, of course. He had earned 135 bucks !!!

Have you ever taken any of your talents for granted ? I can sing just about ok. Like, if a terrorist organisation killed ALL the singers inthe country, I could probably make it big. Its just about alright. Like someone said, “I cried that I dint have shoes, till I met a man who dint have legs”. Thanks to some people in my life, I am constantly reminded and feel good about my voice.
Pintu Bhai is one of them. Apart from his voice, which is far from melodious, his taste in songs is shaky too !!! His list of Top 10 songs can double up as the Top 10 worst songs made in Bollywood !! Some of them are “Kya Mausam Aaya Hai” from ‘Anari’, “Kyunki” from the movie “Kyun ki..”, and “Anderlu Manderlu” from ‘Elaan’ ( Dont even ask ! )
My Dad is another such person. He loves music, listens to music, but he can’t sing to save his life ! One day during my +2, I caught him trying to hum a song.

“Nana, are you singing?”

“Yes”, he says, sheepishly. Then, he says, “You know, when I was ur age, I could sing like you. Then I got typhoid and lost my voice”

Yeah, right ! And I was good looking, until I was born ! He never tires of telling me that story and I never believe him.
So, yesterday, when it started raniging, Pintu Bhai stretched out his hands and started singing “Barsaat ke din aaye…”.The pigeons nearby flew away. I,meanwhile, looked up at the sky and said “Thank You, God”.