A Letter from a Non-Intellectual

Over the last week, many people have protested against the decision to hang Afzal Guru.

Most of these people would belong to the category you would normally call ‘intellectuals’. Many of them would sport beards, a kurta from FabIndia, and thick rimmed glasses.

Funny lot, these guys.

Most of them call themselves ‘liberals’. But they wouldn’t even hear out your argument without calling you a blind sheep of the government, or a lesser-intellectual moron who spends his time surfing porn or eating Maggi.

But then, isn’t the definition of a liberal, one who is open to views?

So, to represent all of us lesser gifted people, let me put forth my views to these intellectuals. I hope by the end of it, I am able to convince you that though we might not have your acumen, your reasoning, and your implicit faith in Arundhati Roy, we are after all human beings.

1. We are all bloodthirsty vampires

Anybody who supported Afzal Guru’s hanging was accused of being hand-in-glove with a militant, bloodthirsty state. This is not true, you know.

I mean, yeah, once in a while we do start riots, and then collect all the blood in a large vessel, add some mint leaves, and sip on it. But that’s only for special occasions. On normal occasions, we are not bloodthirsty.

We did not demand that Afzal be hung, we did not celebrate on the streets and distribute sweets. Those were some morons from the BJP, and let me assure you we are not among them.

Some of us believe that it wouldn’t hurt once in a while to send across a message. You see, we have had quite a few terrorist attacks in the last few years. If you took off your intellect-tinted glasses and looked at the world with its real-world complications, you will see that we are surrounded by China and Pakistan.

And as less-gifted people, we make the mistake of going for the obvious.

2. We blindly trust the State for everything

Another of your assumptions, and way off the mark again.

You can certainly not blame the Indian judiciary for being in a hurry to dispose of cases. With a mountain of evidence of proof piled against him, Kasab was given a good four years to prove his innocence. Afzal Guru was NOT tried without a lawyer. Five of the appointed lawyers rejected fighting his case (probably narrow-minded, myopic morons – one of us, you know), and the sixth was deemed unfit by Guru himself.

Also, you speak as if there was a man sitting at home and watching Rangoli, and the State picked him up and started torturing him and mounting evidence against him. No. Afzal Guru went over to PoK to train as a terrorist for months. Upon his return, the saga of torture began. But then, what really did you expect? That he would be given some fine beer, a packet of chips, may be?

And most of us lesser mortals don’t really side with the State.

Forgive us for thinking this way, but we would rather put our trust in the State, than a terrorist who crossed over the border, and received training to kill people in the name of Islam.

But then we are blinded by our own ignorance.

3. We are brutes. Inhumane brutes who get an erection when there’s blood flowing 

We don’t. We get an erection normally. When blood flows to certain parts, not from others’ bodies.
It’s just that we believe no death is justified. And oh, we consider civilians, innocents, police personnel, and soldiers to be humans too. Those jawans who get killed when Maoists attack a Police Station, we consider them humans too.

Remember how you guys cried hoarse against police action against Maoists (for lack of a more intellectual term)? Well, in the last 20 years, there have been 11,709 deaths due to the struggle – 6432 civilians, 2312 security forces, and 2965 insurgents.

While the war has lasted more than 20 years, the Maoists earn an annual extortion amount of 14 billion rupees. The tribal families, whose war you fight everyday on Facebook, have not received their land, rights, or an improvement in basic amenities.

And you support this war. And call us brutes.

If you think about it, we might be more humane than you.

4. We are a brainwashed lot

But then, who is not? How many of your opinions have been created by your own perception? How many of them were not influenced by your surroundings, your choice of newspaper, your friends’ circle, and the books you read?

Not many people have the gift of original thought.

Like Arundhati Roy. The Holy Mother of India’s intellectual class.

Now, as an aspiring writer, I can’t help but admire the woman. Every word she writes is a carefully thought out pearl. She strings such beautiful pearls together, and then adds them in some bullshit, and spreads it across 34 pages on The Outlook.

Have you ever gone back to the internet to validate her facts? There are scores of examples on the net to prove that she distorts, twists, and sometimes fabricates facts to put her point across.

Do you ever check her facts? I doubt.

Would you then, still call me the brainwashed one?

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So, there you go my intellectual brothers and sisters.

What you carry is an opinion, a view. You are as blinded as me, and as clouded by your bias as I am.

The country that you accuse of being bloodthirsty and insensitive lets you voice your opinion, express it, and stage protests.

You have been influenced by your friends, your books, your circles. Me by mine.

And an opinion is like an asshole. Every asshole has an opinion.

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How to Screw Robert Vadra

Last week, Robert Vadra bitch-slapped the entire nation.

Yes, our nation, with its pride on morals, culture and beliefs, was delivered a resounding bitch-slap on the face, the kind that a Bollywood hero delivers to the heroine when he catches her doing scandalous things like sipping some wine.

Not so surprisingly, none of the media houses seem to be talking about it. And apart from The Hindu, no newspaper is even doing a follow-up story on the issue. But then, that’s our media. Last year, the Journalists Federation of India awarded Haryana CM Bhupinder Singh Hooda the best CM of the country.

Before you wonder “Who,da?”, here’s interesting trivia. From 1982 to 2005, only 5,550 acres were allotted for real estate development. Since 2005, when the ‘Best CM’ of the country assumed power, 20,549 acres were allotted to property developers. If this is the best CM, I can only imagine how the Chief Ministers who are not the best, would be faring.

Now, Robert Vadra is a strange fellow. For many years, I thought the guy was an unassuming bloke who got lucky in marriage. All that changed in 2010, when he gave an interview to the Times of India, saying “I’ll join politics when I can make a difference”. He also went on to say that he could win an election from anywhere, but chooses not to.

I wondered what the guy thought of himself! I mean, for a guy whose only link with politics was to be married to a political family, that sort of confidence either meant he was a confident, shrewd man, or an absolute buffoon. The proceedings over the last week have proven that when compared to this guy, even Rahul Gandhi seems like Albert Einstein.

When Kejriwal accused Vadra of wrong doings, three things shocked me:

1. Cabinet ministers coming in support: Now, I can understand if he was a Congress minister, or even a minister in a coalition. The guy isn’t even a goddamn politician. What the fuck are you defending him for? And that too, someone like Chidambaram….?
2. IAS Officer transferred: Ashok Khemka, the IAS Officer who initiated the investigations against the deal, was immediately transferred. Sometimes, the quick action our administration takes is quite inspiring.
3. Mango People: Proving that he was, after all, a moron, Vadra put up a message on Facebook saying “Mango People in a Banana Republic”. We live in a nation where a guy who has married into a political family, when accused of wrongdoings, could call the nation a ‘Banana Republic’

That sealed it for me. This guy, surely, was nuts. An ape in the midst of a shrewd, powerful family.

Laughably, the same Haryana government that was doling out land like Santa Claus on Christmas, gave the guy a clean chit.

I knew Kejriwal didn’t stand a chance in the court of law. There is no law preventing a company from selling and buying at any price it deems fit, and so there would be no case there.

But the more important question that the court should have asked was, “What business did DLF have in giving unsecured loans to someone who wasn’t even in the field of Real Estate two years ago?” There are rules, there is law, and then there are ethics.

And that is how, as a nation, we were bitch-slapped. Asked to shut up, and left like little puppies to whimper at trucks that go by.

But here’s how to screw Robert Vadra.

***********************************

Every year, all the news channels organise their annual awards ceremonies. Sycophantic mutual masturbation clubs where everybody compliments everybody, and returns home after a good dinner.

Like the CNN Indian of the Year award, which as a matter of fact, Rahul Gandhi won in 2009 in the field of politics. So what you’re telling me is, this guy, with no administrative experience, no official position in the government, having brought in no reforms or policies whatsoever, was the Indian of the Year? God save our country then!

There is also the Economic Times Award for Corporate Excellence that awards the best performing businesses in the country. Then there are the CNBC-CRISIL awards with a category called the CRISIL Real Estate Awards.

Business Today’s Most Powerful Men in Business, the Indian Business Awards, the Emerging India Business Awards, and a bunch of other Business Awards.

Now, if Vadra’s business is all clean and legitimate, it is an astounding story of business growth.

For someone who was selling handicrafts and other handlooms, to get into a competitive field like Real Estate and go from a 50 lakhs to 300 crores is an unbelievable achievement.

In a time when the world is reeling from recession, and entire countries going bankrupt and people being fired from their jobs, the guy has been made the Director, Addl. Director, or MD in twelve companies in the last six years. To show an exponential growth rate of above 500% when the nation’s economy is tottering at 6%, is an achievement.

I mean, the guy is a miracle, a business force to reckon with, our own Steve Jobs.

Shouldn’t he get an award?

So this is what the media houses should do.

Invite him for these awards. Award him for his excellence. Ask him to stand in front of business leaders, lawyers, and accountants, and talk about the secrets of his success. That should wipe the smug smile off the douchebag’s face.

I mean, his businesses are all clean, right? He deserves accolades, then.

And maybe then, I will have some respect for Indian media.

So, I’m waiting, Mr. Arnab Goswami. Instead of barking into our ears every night, strap some balls on, and give the guy some much needed awards.

Are you listening, Mr. Goswami? Like you keep reminding us, India needs an answer.

Bharat Bunk

Dear Bharat Bandh Organisers,

Firstly, congratulations on calling a Bharat Bandh.

For many years, I was a critic of bandhs and strikes. I thought they were a waste of time and served no purpose at all. The last few years have changed my opinion.

Firstly, the Anna Hazare campaign was testimony to the fact that if people feel strongly about an issue, they will take to the streets, even if they are educated, have good jobs, and are normally considered insensitive to national and political issues.

Also, when the principal opposition party shows the way by not working for more than two weeks at the Parliament – the Nervous Central System of our country, isn’t it wrong to expect you guys to do anything more?

Opinions on Bandhs are polarised. Some people think they are important channels of dissent. Others think they are regressive to the nation’s growth. I propose a way through which you can win the hearts of both these groups. All you have to do is follow the three simple steps suggested below:

1. Let Malls, Pubs, and Cinemas be operational

These guys could be doing so much more.

Most people stay back at home during a bandh. Industry voices complain that this is detrimental to the economy’s growth. I suggest let the malls and cinemas be operational on bandh days. Instead of being stranded at home, people can watch films, drink, go shopping, and generally have a good time. The industry will be happy, and the people will be happy.

 

2. Organise bandhs on the last five days of the month

It is common knowledge that most people are broke during the last five days of the month. This is also the period when evil bosses are dumping copious amounts of work on their juniors in order to meet the targets. Calling a bandh on the last few days of the month will save the employees some money. It will also teach bosses at work the important lesson of better time and project management. Boyfriends who are broke can always say that they cant leave home due to the bandh. The private working class will generally be a happier bunch.

 

3. Organise bandhs on Mondays 

I understand that sometimes one can’t wait till the end of the month to call a bandh. Sometimes, urgent issues need immediate attention. In such a situation, you can organise the bandhs on a Monday. It’s a known fact that everyone hates Mondays. Through this move, you will win the hearts of millions of school and college going students, who will surely grow up to become your able supporters.

In short, the critics are happy, the supporters are happy, and the government is pissed off. What more could you want?

Having won the hearts of all the people, your people may feel free to attack buses, organise rallies, and shout slogans. May be you can conduct an opinion poll and send one of your guys to slap a politician – the Sharad Pawar one was quite a hit.

You can do what you are already doing – being a responsible opposition – and also win the hearts of crores of people around the world, across religions, cultures, and languages.

And may be rename ‘Bharat Bandh’ to ‘Bharat Bunk’.

And watch your supporters grow.

With this, I remain,

Yours Truly-Bored-on-Bandh Day Well-wisher.

Anna’s Political Party

Two years ago, people were going on candle light marches on the streets, shouting slogans. College goers were sharing status updates calling out for participants. Missed calls and messages were being sent to people everywhere in the country.

Social networking sites, telecom operators, and candle sellers were making merry. The politicians were, of course, too busy not giving a fuck.

A professor at the University of Hyderabad had this interesting point to share about the difference between the movements of Subhash Chandra Bose and Gandhi. While Bose implored Indians to join the army, fight, and give their blood for freedom, Gandhi understood the Indian psyche better. He asked Indians to stay at home as part of the Non-Co-operation movement, as a means to win freedom. There’s no guessing whose method got the most support!

The Anna Hazare movement also did things that would get the attention of any Indian. It provoked an extreme hatred for politicians (something our films have instilled in us since decades), raked up statistics on the crores lost to corruption (don’t we all love numbers?), and used the right words like ‘change’ and ‘good politicians’.

The whole country got into the debate. You were either with Anna, or against the country. There were no shades of grey in between where you could sit down and relax. Facebook became the battlefield for numerous status updates and debates.

And then, like everything else, the movement fizzled out. People stopped coming to the dharnas, and the media started to question Anna’s grasp over the country’s people.

With Anna announcing the formation of a political party, a new debate has set in. Some feel that Anna is becoming as corrupt as the other politicians and are vehemently opposed to his political move.

In my opinion, however, this is the best thing to have come off the campaign.

One of the things that pissed me off about the campaign was the way the supporters targeted the Congress for corruption. Personal remarks against Sonia Gandhi’s origins, Manmohan Singh’s voice, and Chidambaram’s dhoti reek of a dismal sense of humour, and an acute lack of political awareness.

For one, it is not as if only the Congress is corrupt. The Congress is in power in about ten states in the country. What about the other states? Are they clean as clean chits?

And for all the blame that the Congress has got for not passing the Lokpal Bill, no one talks about the opposition parties who stalled it. No matter what the reasons, until a consensus is reached at the Lok Sabha, a Bill cannot be passed. But no one seems to speak about it.

With Anna announcing a political party, the real fight begins now.

Anna Hazare: Is HE the MAN ?

Anna has got huge support and a general sense of goodwill in the urban areas, but it will be the interiors that will be the real challenge.

Also, fighting for power at the centre only on the plank of corruption will be a huge gamble. There will have to be a set agenda, and a plan for mobilising the grassroots.

I have always maintained that corruption is an urban issue. Ironically, the rural areas are the worst hit by corruption, and yet there are more urgent things to worry about for the rural Indian – rainfall, PDS, delivery of amenities like health and education. All of which, is indirectly affected due to corruption itself. It is one huge, stinking, overflowing gutter. And Anna has taken a bold step by holding a broom and deciding to plunge into the gutter.

Another glimmer of optimism is the percent of youth who actually cast their vote. Half of India’s youth did not cast their vote in 2009, and the numbers sank even further in urban areas. If Anna floats a political party, I’m hoping at least some of the youth will be inspired to cast a vote.

Some are cynical that Anna’s party will stand no chance against the mighty parties that have spent decades swimming in the gutter. Well, welcome to reality, guys! If change was possible instantly, it would be available at McDonald’s in two minutes.

One person cannot change the country instantly. That only happens in Shankar’s films. So the next time you crib about the dismal state of politics in the country, go out and cast a vote. Anna’s in the race too, and if you have lost all hope, at least vote for the broom.

And all Anna supporters who spam walls with pictures and slogans, put your vote where your mouth is.

Go and cast your vote. Change will come.

We are all molestors…

The furore over the Guwahati mob molestation case makes me laugh.

Not because I thought it was hyped, or am cynical about it. Such incidents cannot be hyped enough. It made me laugh for another reason.

Most of the people who called out to the public to “hang the culprits”, “chop their balls off”, and “stone them to death”, were the same people who propogate the exact mentality that instigates such an incident.

Where does this perversion begin?

I don’t know. It’s deeply ingrained in our ethos. In small, subtle, implicit ways, the Indian way of thinking propagates what I term as the ‘slut’ mentality. Whether its the film where the heroine transforms from a pelvic thrusting bombshell to a Saree-donning apsara, or the television serial where the wife waits piously for her husband to rise from the dead, or even simple discussions with friends about girls who’ve been in relationships earlier.

You remember those Govinda films where he flirts around with the skirt-wearing heroine and settles down with the homely girl? That too.

I’m simply exaggerating, right? How can a harmless film, just mindless entertainment, instigate a violent thought?

Such visuals help us develop our ideas of right and wrong, good and bad. They teach us to look at certain kind of people as good, and certain kind as bad.

I remember in college, there was a girl who was what people would call a ‘bomb’. Since she was way out of the league of most of the guys, most of the guys took the easy way out by calling her a slut. If given a chance, they’d sleep with her too, but that’s only because she was loose-charactered enough to let them do so.

In our everyday lives, there are thousands of such instances, where we assassinate characters, drawing judgements, passing remarks, and generally contributing to the idea of good and bad, angel and slut.
Now, to the second problem I had with the reactions.

The whole hatred spewed against the molesters typifies why they did it in the first place.

Hang them, chop their balls off, etc. are rhetorical statements that I’d expect Sunny Deol to use in a film, not educated youngsters. Why? Don’t they deserve to die for a gruesome crime?

May be they do. But not at your hands. The same mentality that angers you enough to chop their balls off, gave them the impetus to molest the girl. The power of taking matters into our own hands is irresistible. If given a chance, we’d hang our ministers, chop their balls off, slit the throats of rapists, stab Kasab to death. See the similarity between you and the molesters?

It’s preposterous to compare the two crimes, you say? Looting a country is not the same as molesting a girl, you say?

Well, who decides that? For the crowd at Guwahati, a girl coming out of a pub at eleven must have been a serious offence as well.

For all practical purposes, we have a common law. Skewed as it might be, it decides what’s right and what’s wrong. When you intend to take matters into your own hands, you’re behaving exactly like the crowd.

So don’t give me the bullshit about what you’d do to the criminals.

The next time you stare at a girl on the road, pass a comment about how many boyfriends she’s had, and stare at her clothes, congratulate yourself.

You’re the typical Indian male. You molest a girl’s character, you rape her image, and do it in the anonymity of a crowd.

How are you any different?

Castles in the Air India

For the shitty condition that Air India is in at the moment, not many would know that it has a unique history. It all began in 1932 with JRD Tata flying a plane from Karachi to Bombay. Called Tata Airlines, the whole company consisted of two planes, a pilot, and two mechanics.

After Independance, the Indian government bought a majority stake in the Airlines, and it became Air India. By then, JRD should have said Tata to all his dreams of a world-class airliner. The condition it is in, and the reasons for it being in the news these days, are tragic to the extent of being comical.

In April 2007, Air India hired 186 foreign pilots. There are only 36 of them left, and one of them left because he one day walked into the cockpit, to find that the pilots had put newspapers on the windows to block extra light from coming into the cockpit. In February this year, a senior ‘flight inspector’ was suspended for being drunk while on duty. In 2010, one of the pilots was going to the washroom and left the plane in the hands of the co-pilot. While adjusting his seat, the co-pilot knocked off the controls, and the plane sank 7000 feet into the ground, and then was rescued by the pilot.

Here’s the bit that is not funny. In May 2010, a plane crashed in Mangalore, killing 158 people. Since the 2007 merger between Air India and Indian Airlines, it has been a Godawful mess. While airlines have been taking a beating worldwide, Air India is suffering from its worst phase in its 79 year old history. Losses of more than 7,000 crores expected in this year, strikes by pilots causing losses of 100 crores a week, more than 100 flights – most of them international routes – grounded due to the issues not being sorted out. That’s why I laughed when Vijay Mallya asked the government to bail out Kingfisher Airlines. The government can’t manage their own airlines. Ghanta, they’ll bail you out, brada!

The common logic that everything the government owns by default sucks, is not always true. Airlines of other countries, take Singapore Airlines, is among the best in the world. When Indonesia’s state controlled airlines, ‘Garuda’ was in a deep mess, experts from the aviation industry were called in to stem the rot. But then, this is India, man. Who gives a fuck?

In an industry where customer service is of prime importance and customer is king, the mascot of Air India himself is called Maharaja! When Gustav Baldauf, an Austrian with 25 years was made the Chief Operating Officer of the sick airlines, many eyebrows were raised. In an interview to a newspaper, he complained against too much government interference, and within months, he was served a notice for ‘indiscipline’ and fired. His crime? He had suggested that industry professionals be given top positions to revive the fortunes of the airlines.

In the present system, the Airlines is headed by an officer from the Indian Administrative Service. It baffles me how someone who has cleared an examination could be at the helm of a company that requires decades of experience. To top it all, the airline is a victim to our touring mantris. Like our Honourable President, who spent a cool 205 crores on foreign tours. When criticised for taking her family and relatives on the tours, Ms. Patil said that it is the ‘duty of all the citizens to respect the post of the President.’

Which brings us to the important question, does the government still need to run a state-controlled airline in today’s age? In an interview with Karan Thapar last week, the Aviation Minister Ajit Singh himself agreed that the age of state owned airlines is gone. Immediately after that, in the unfathomable way that only a minister can speak, he ruled out any chance of privatisation of the company.

According to an article by Tehelka, the percentage of Indians who use airlines is 2%. 50% of Indian air traffic is between Mumbai and Delhi. It is not as if the whole country is going to choke and die if the government deregulates the airlines.

Why then, is there this stubbornness to consider privatisation? Unless some drastic steps are taken, the airline is going to bleed itself to death anyway. What is the point of a bailout, where the government has to work to pay off the 40,000 crores of debt that the airline is reeling under? In a country where basics like education, healthcare, and infrastructure are in a pitiable condition, what is the need to pump so much money into a company, that has only a 17% market share in the industry, which is used by less than 2% of the country’s population?

The telecom industry has shown that privatisation in the Indian markets is not necessarily a bad thing, as the Indian consumer is always looking for better services at cheaper prices. But then, there is always the question of the babu. The babu flies in the Air India. How will the babu take any steps against it?

The Maharaja meanwhile, much like the airline, continues to stand with his hand on his chest, and his head bowed. Ready to serve. Ready to bow.

Sachin and Gandhi : The Bringing Down of an Icon

When Sachin Tendulkar struck his long awaited 100^th century about a month ago in Bangladesh, the nation was supposed to celebrate. He was after all, the darling of the country, someone who has been followed wherever he went for the last two decades, an idol, a role model, even a god. And this was a feat that was never thought achievable in the history of the game, and doesn’t look like it can be broken by anyone else. It was but expected that the nation would go into a frenzy.

The national media did their bit : feature stories describing milestones in his long career, TV channels churned out their bulletins with Jai Ho playing in the background. But on websites like cricinfo.com and youtube.com, there was an outpouring of hatred by fans. Many called Sachin Tendulkar selfish, others said he was playing for records, and that he needs to hang up his boots.

Not once did anyone say that he didn’t look fit on the field, no one spoke about him unable to run, or his eyes and hand-eye coordination getting worse, or anything else related to cricket. The argument was that he was selfish and needed to be dropped.

It was then that I could see a clear reflection of my thoughts a few years back. I was out of my spiritual boarding school. I felt like a free bird, and a rebel. I remember having strong hatred for Gandhi back then. I could attribute some of it to the simultaneous release of three films on Bhagat Singh, but there was more to it than just the release of the films.

I didn’t know enough about Gandhi – just that he was a freedom fighter, and whatever else our books and teachers in school told us about him. There were a few others from our class as well, and we regularly sat together and spoke about Gandhi, along the lines of how he was responsible for all the problems in our country.

Much later, when I read more about him, I learnt that Gandhi was more than just a freedom fighter. And I also realised that most of the opinions I had harboured about him were wrong in the first place. What then, prompted me to hate him so much? I have asked myself this many times, and this is the closest I have come to as an answer.

Throughout our childhoods, we are surrounded by Gandhi, his principles, his photos, his teachings, his songs, his stories, and films on him. We had a subject called Human Values and books by Gandhi were used as our course material. This ubiquity, after a point, felt suffocating. And to be able to criticise Gandhi seemed like an act of rebellion for me. I did not understand him enough, so I went ahead and made my own opinions, often basing them on things my friends (who were equally, if not more ignorant) told me. Through some twisted logic, we believed that Gandhi was responsible for the partition, and that he was a propagator of Hindutva.

I have made my peace with Gandhi today. I have learnt to dissect his public from his private life, and have learnt to look at things with a broader perspective. But when I see criticism of Sachin Tendulkar, I can’t help feel that he has reached the same stage as an icon.

The most common criticism about him is that when he scores a century, India loses the match. This fact automatically translates to him being a selfish player who is intent on achieving personal milestones. This could not be further away from the truth.

The nature of the game of cricket itself means that individual performances are not as crucial to a side’s fortunes, as it is with other games. Take football, for example, where a goal by a single player could tilt the match totally in the favour of the team, thus critically affecting the match. In cricket, batting is just one aspect of the game. A century by no means implies that the team is going to win the match, because the game is divided into two halves – batting and bowling – and each of the aspects affect the match equally.

To further illustrate my point, let me give you the example of the match between South Africa and Australia in the March 2006. Australia batted first and scored 434, the highest score ever in a One Day International, and the first time any team had crossed 400 runs in 50 overs. Australia, however, lost the match at the end of the day because South Africa was able to score 438, thanks to the shoddy bowling by the Australians.

There have been umpteen such examples where individual performances did not result in the team winning the match, and this by no means implies that the performances weren’t good enough, it just means that the other aspect of the game wasn’t good enough on the day. That it happens with surprising regularity with Sachin is a reflection of our universally acknowledged poor bowling skills, and not because his centuries are not good enough.

Here, let me take you back a little into the past again. This was in the same phase when I was vehemently against Gandhi, circa 2005. Sachin Tendulkar at that time had been struggling for a year or so to score his 35^th Test century, one that would result in him beating Sunil Gavaskar’s then highest 34. He was suffering from recurring back injuries, tennis elbow, and seemed nervous and edgy in the crease. I was among the many that rooted for his retirement from the game.

I remember the day he scored the century, this is what he said to the media – “Landmarks happen. You just go and bat because you want to bat well and get runs for your team. If you chase landmarks then it becomes a problem.” He made it clear that the fans had been demanding the century for a long time, and that it was quite stressful. I remember reading it with cynicism.

However, if I look back at the incident now, I realise he knew what he was talking about. If he had retired then, we wouldn’t have witnessed some of the greatest knocks in the history of the game. He went on to make a spectacular comeback, a resurrection that culminated with him becoming Player of the year in 2010. We wouldn’t have seen his knock of 200, or his crucial role in the World Cup last year.

It is actually a matter of great credit to Sachin Tendulkar that no one is talking about the way he is playing his cricket, how he is running between the wickets, or his fitness. The criticism is always generic – that new blood needs to be infused into the team, and that it is high time he retired. From my experience seven years ago, I know that the decision to retire is best left to Sachin himself.

With the ruckus about him becoming an MP, I can see a clear link between my criticism of Gandhi back then, and the criticism Sachin faces today. It is not to do with him as a cricketer. It has got more to do with the rebellion involved in the bringing down of an icon.

Fart of Living

His Holiness Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar performed an intricate yogic feat last month. It is called ‘putting your foot in your mouth‘, and the results make you transform into a douchebag in everyone’s eyes.

With all the wisdom he has acquired over the years, the revered Gurudev had this to say about our education system – “Government should not run any school. It is often found that boys who studied in government schools go into Naxalism and violence.”

This is such Bull Bull Bull Shit, that it makes you wonder if the Art of Living has replaced the more important Art of Thinking. Or the Art of Making Sense. Someone should start a course in the Art of Shutting the Fuck Up.

As it is, the schools in Naxal areas bear the brunt of the armed struggle. Schools are recognised by the Maoists as government buildings and blown up. The ones that exist have been taken up as ‘camps’ by the government’s armed forces, and are used as bunkers. The classes have been called off, and most of the children in Naxal-hit areas do not get a minimum education.

The solution, quite clearly, lies in privatising these schools. So that you can have an Oxbridge International School in the jungles, where tribal children pay exorbitant fees to learn English nursery rhymes that they have no connection to. Probably throw in a few meditation classes too, you know, to deal with ‘individual stress’. The sheer brilliance of it all!

Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar lives in the US, his followers are people like Bill Clinton. He also appears on a show on MTV in the US. His website claims his organisation works on issues like ‘individual stress, societal problems, and violence’. Consider me hollow and unintelligent, but I can never understand spiritual teachings.

Imagine there is an Indian man who has no clue what is happening to him, his life, his country, the society, or his job. He goes to Ravi Shankar for help. And Ravi Shankar says this, “Beta, truth is spherical, rather than linear, so it has to be contradictory.” (An actual line!)

What on earth is that man going to understand? He will obviously run out of the hall, screaming ‘Baba ki jai’. I always thought this is the case with most followers of Babas. We are too doubtful of ourselves to question anyone, so we accept someone else’s notion of the truth, and celebrate it.

But His Holiness is more than just a spiritual guru. He has often times offered to butt into national politics. Like the time when he offered to negotiate with the Naxals for peace. How, exactly? You don’t live in the country, you don’t know the local language. What are you going to talk about? Teach them meditation? If they have their way, His Holiness would be forced into a state of permanent pranayam – with an infinite gap between Anulom and Vilom.

I remember a friend suggesting I join an Art of Living course. Apparently, I had to cough up 600 rupees for the course. Why? ‘The money goes to the many NGOs that the Ashram runs’. But isn’t that unfair, I asked. ‘What happens if a man cannot afford 600 rupees. Doesn’t he have a right to understand the art of living. Is this art (like most art today) only to be understood and consumed by the rich?’

‘It’s not like that. In poor places, only 400 is charged from people’.

And what do these charitable institutions do? Distribute food, books, relief during calamities? No. They take meditation classes, relieve the world of ‘stress’.

The problem, dear Guruji, is that we are Indians. We are grappling with food, clothing, and shelter. You can keep your tripe about individual stress to yourself, we’ll deal with it later.

For most Indians, it a ‘War of Living’. An intricate art of surviving, competing, and existing.

You can peddle your Art to the foreigners who come to India looking for spiritual nirvana on top of an elephant while a snake charmer is playing his tunes.

I’m sure they’ll lap it up.

The Art of Not Giving a Fuck

The Students Union in the University of Hyderabad is formed after yearly elections. The major players in the game are SFI (Communist Party of India), the ABVP (Bharatiya Janata Party) and the Ambedkar Students Union.

The SFI-ASA coalition won the elections for a second consecutive term this year and formed the Students Union. Where do I fit into the picture?

I live in ‘A’ hostel. As the chronological naming goes, it’s the oldest hostel in the University, and has been chugging along in the age of modern buildings and wi-fi internet. The shitty condition that the hostel is in, provoked me to put up the following poster at different places in the University like Gops (the Food Court), the Students Canteen, and ShopCom (the amazing place with the amazing men’s saloon called Gaylords).

I spoke to a few people in the hostel itself about this issue, and asked them if something could be done, and here are the responses that I faced:

“Chhod na bhai, aur ek maheena baaki hai. Kyun jhamela kar raha hai?”

“What can we do? It has been in this condition for a long time now.”

“I know this is the condition, but I don’t know what to do about it.”

Nobody so much as bothers to call the hostel incharge, or even lodge a complaint. We’d rather live with water leaking from the tank than do something about it. Rather rely on your imagination than do something about the internet problem.

And that is when it struck me, that as a nation, we have carefully cultivated the Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

Image showing an Indian man not giving a fuck.

We are a country of vegetarians, but we love our scapegoats.

Whenever there is a scam, the amount of rupees is passed around, looked at voyeuristically, and passed around. A few jokes are made on Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi, and images are ‘shared’ on Facebook, and that’s it.

Most of the people I know dont vote. Funnily, in the largest democracy in the world, to vote is seen as a sign of the poor. The images we are shown of elections is a 90 year old woman being carried to a polling booth, or villagers who have turned up in huge numbers to the polling booth.

Look up the ‘About Me’ of anyone, and in the ‘Politics’ section, you will see a response like ‘I hate politics’, or ‘Politics and Politicians Suck’. This pisses me off a great deal.

But then, as a nation, we have mastered the Art.

Now, there are many advantages in the Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

This man stopped giving a fuck 14 years ago.

It is a constant state of Nirvana – nothing bothers you, because nothing really matters. We are taught values like hardwork, honesty, and sincerity. But never to raise our voices – to be heard, to speak. No.

Mastering the Art also makes it easier for you to fit in. Most people don’t give a fuck, so you will fit in seamlessly into a group of whining people who derive pleasure in talking about the great evil called ‘the system’. This hydra-headed, poison-spewing monster called ‘The System’ is responsible for all our problems. We need something like The Matrix, to deal with The System.

This was precisely the reason why I wasn’t orgasming when Anna Hazare was giving us our Second independence movement.

If you remember, it was the time of revolution – nations were rising up against decade-old regimes and fighting for their rights. The protests, both in the Middle East, as well as in India, were by the middle class – by urban, educated, youth who were sending out a message that something needed to change.

The result is out for all to see. Governments have been overthrown in Egypt, Libya, Tunisia and Jordan. Emergency laws which were in place for about three decades, have been lifted in Syria and Algeria. New laws have been formed and old regimes toppled.

What do we have in India? Nitpicking, mud-slinging, hateful personal remarks, and a lot of jingoistic bullshit flying around. The result being that the Anti-Corruption movement seems like a superhit film of the last year that has passed.

If only Anna Hazare asked each and every one of the protesters to file a complaint, request for an enquiry, or file an RTI application, we could have done something about corruption

What is sad is that the whole thing fizzled out. And we Indians are a funny lot. We can believe that a group of monkeys created a bridge by floating stones from India to Sri Lanka. But we cannot believe that we can do something to solve our own problems.

So if there is talk of a nation-wide movement once again, people will be cynical to even step out of their homes. What could have been the most important piece of modern legislation, lies tattered, like the blouse of the hero’s sister in a B-grade film.

But sometimes, just filing a complaint, asking for information, or writing a simple letter is enough. It hardly takes ten minutes.

But then, do you give a fuck??

UP Elections and the False Hope

Now that the UP elections has successfully delivered a slap on the faces of undeserving people and a pat on the back for lesser deserving people, I would like to bring in a point of view that has vanished between the brouhaha that has caught the attention of the literate, aware, urban Indian.

Firstly, the ousting of Mayawati came as a relief for me. At the risk of sounding like a Right-Wing fanatic, let me disclaim that I have absolutely no problems with Dalit emancipation. It is not difficult to understand that a community that has for ages immemorial been subdued politically, economically and culturally, sees a hero in Mayawati – the behenji who has made it big in the big, bad, world of Indian politics. That is all fine.

But when I speak to Dalit sympathisers about the huge amount of wealth that she has collected, and obscene flaunting of wealth (like the garland made of 1000 rupee notes), they have absolutely no answer. A garland of 1000 rupee notes in no way betters the situation of Dalits, nor does it ensure a greater participation in politics. If anything at all, it sends out a message to others “I have acquired huge amount of wealth. Come join in – it’s a free for all!”

I respect Mayawati for the different bastions that she has conquered, and when she won a fourth term in 2007, I sincerely felt she would be different from the ruling Samajwadi Party under Mulayam Singh. Five years down the line, things have gotten worse. Setting up parks and statues of Dalit leaders, bring in a sense of cultural pride -yes, but it does just that. Factors like education and employment bring in social respect, and one can only fantasise about the 2,500 crores being spent in building schools and colleges. Maywati, sadly, for all her efforts, will be remembered as the richest Chief Minister of the country – a mirror image of the class she fought all through her life.

The second bit of positive news was the terrible performance of Rahul Gandhi in the Assembly elections.

In Indian politics, being a Gandhi son is like being Sachin Tendulkar’s son in the BCCI room. I have tracked his career over the last years, and I must say I had hopes pinned on him till a few years back. He seemed sincere and honest – for eg, when the CBI had found that 4 of the last 5 terrorist attacks were co-ordinated by rightwing Hindutva groups, he was the only one to talk about Saffron Terror. He seemed like a sincere guy. But then, I am an Indian – it is easy to bullshit me, I guess.

When the UPA won the second term, I was hoping Rahul Gandhi would take up one of the key portfolios and work in the Cabinet of ministers. It would be a good place for him to learn the tricks of the trade, and a possible launching pad for his obvious Prime Ministerial ambitions. But I was shocked to see he didn’t take up any port folio.

It smacked of arrogance – to think that being born in the Gandhi family entitled you directly to the Prime Minister’s post. Over the last two years, Rahul Gandhi treaded the same, beaten path of other Indian politicians. His visits to Dalit houses – dressed in crisp, white kurtas and sneakers – pissed me off majorly.

However, the Palm was delivered a convincing slap on the face when the results were declared, faring badly even in traditionally Congress strongholds. I was curious to see what Rahul Gandhi would say after the defeat. This is what he had to say,

“Look, we haven’t done well in the whole of UP. I view my work as working for the poor of the country. My work shall continue.”

Well, stop bullshitting me, my friend. You are just another leader in the Congress party. If not for your genes, you might not have been there in the first place. And please stop using terms like ‘my work shall continue’. You’re not Mother Theresa, you are Son Gandhi. Drop the halo, please.

Now that I am done ranting about the positives of the elections, let me get to the bit with the false hope.

The word ‘change’ has been an integral part of our vocabulary ever since Barack Obama won his Presidential campaign. ‘Change the system’, ‘I want change’, ‘Change is good’ etc. are vague terms that don’t mean anything.

‘Change’ is again being talked about with Akhilesh Yadav becoming the new Chief Minister.

Sorry to break the news, my friends – this is hardly change at all.

For all the faults with Indian politics, nepotism is the worst disease. We have naturally come to accept that a politician’s son will become a politician too. It is the feudal Zamindari system all over again, and we see no problem with it.

I cringe when I see politicians’ sons paraded as the next hope for India. Sadly, all the so-called new faces of politicans are all sons of earlier politicians. The media has never seen this as a problem, instead calling it the new face of Indian politics. They clearly forgot the ‘r’ in between the word.

Samajwadi Party is the same party that rescued the Centre during the 123 Agreement, and brought people like Sanjay Dutt (a convicted criminal who has served an extensive jail term) to campaign for them in earlier elections. Even though Amar Singh has been kicked out of the party, I don’t see much changing, primarily because Akhilesh Yadav is the son of Mulayam Singh Yadav.

Even in Punjab, Sukhbir Badal, the son of Prakash Singh Badal, has been hailed as the next hope.

But are we such a hopeless country that we accept sons of leaders as our leaders? Is it too much to ask for new faces, youngsters who have risen primarily on the basis of their work and experience??

So don’t go by the news headlines, my friends. One dynasty has been toppled, only to be replaced by another dynasty.

In Star Wars, Luke Skywalker defeated Darth Vader, who was actually his father. In real life, bullshit is recycled and handed over to us as ‘change’.

Eat, and make merry!

 

Saffron Groups and Pink Crap

Yet another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and the great protectors of Indian culture, organisations like Bajrang Dal, have woken up from their slumber to protect our great cultural heritage. This activity of protecting our culture is done in many effective ways, like throwing black ink on the faces of the couples, or taking videos of the couples and uploading it on youtube.

These stupid acts not only piss me off a great deal, they are disturbing. Go back to 2009, when Ram Sene activists attacked a pub in Mangalore, dragged women out by their hair and beat them up. (video) But hey, that’s part of Indian culture, man.

Remember how Dushashan pulled Draupadi out of her chambers, dragged her by the hair and pulled her clothes out?

May be the Ram Sene could create a branch called the ‘Dushashan Sene’, who could be employed near pubs and bars, and protect Indian culture.

The National Commission for Women was asked to investigate the case, and this is what Nirmala Venkatesh, a member of the three-member team had to say, “”Everybody was dancing wearing so many nude clothes and all. That is why they did what they did. We women should always try to safeguard ourselves.”

Not surprisingly, Nirmala Venkatesh a few months later joined the Bharatiya Janata Party, saying she was ready to contest the Lok Sabha elections if they gave her a ticket.

This sort of nuisance has been going on for long, and while this is a generalisation, it can be found in states ruled by the NDA alliance, like Karnataka, Madhya Pradesh and Gujarat – states ruled by BJP, having an affiliation towards organisations like VHP, Bajrang Dal, and Ram Sene.

And this is precisely the reason why, in spite of all the scams and scandals in the country, I would never vote for the NDA. Scams and scandals go on. Our economy is a cow, milked by one and all, under different pretexts – none of it affects me directly. But if I vote for the NDA government, some horny bastard might come and pour ink on my girlfriend’s face if I am out with her. That kind of shit affects me, and drives me mad.

For all the bullshit that the BJP propagates, not once did they raise their voice against such criminals.

All this is interesting in the wake of recent reports of BJP ministers caught surfing porn in the Karnataka Assembly. Surprisingly, none of the Ram Sene members so much as raised their voice against this.

But that’s also part of our culture, macha. Remember how Bheeshm, Dhritarashtra and other elders of the court did nothing when Draupadi was being pulled out and stripped??

For years, these jobless fuckers, who have no girlfriends, have taken law into their hands, and threatened to go on a rampage, insulting people who celebrate Valentine’s Day. No government, no party, no organisation, and none of the great NGOs of our country have protested against this vandalism.

What helps these idiots, is that the laws in the Indian Penal Code ratify such acts. Most of the cases booked against couples in parks, abide by the Section 294 of the IPC, drafted as recently as 1860.

294. 4[ Obscene acts and songs.– Whoever, to the annoyance of others,

(a) does any obscene act in any public place, or

(b) sings, recites or utters any obscene song, ballad or words, in or near any public place, shall be punished with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to three months, or with fine, or with both.]

Poor Richard Gere, he kissed Shilpa Shetty at a charity event, without knowing that ‘Big Brother’ was someone else, and he was watching. And filing cases.

Surprisingly, most of these actions have the moral sanction of older couples, who believe this is corrupting our ‘culture’. But is culture set in stone, to be abided by generations to come? What about changing times, and shifting cultures?

So how does one get these grumpy old fools to keep pace with the times?

Simply by rubbing it in their faces.

If you go to Goa, you can find couples kissing on the beach, or on the roads, and no one gives a flying fuck. Simply because the local people there are accustomed to seeing people kiss.

Here’s my suggestion:

With so many flash mobs being organised around the country, some organisation should organise flash mobs of couples who go to a public place and kiss. This will at least let people get used to the fact that youngsters will kiss if they are in love (or not), but it is none of their goddamned concern.

In a landmark judgement by the Delhi High Court in 2009, the Court dismissed a case against a married couple, seeing nothing wrong in them kissing, terming it as ‘an act of love’.

So all you flashing mobs of the country, grow some balls. Do something that might help other young people like you, not just dancing to Kolaveri di and Jai Ho!

That’s not going to make a rat’s ass of a difference to us.

Satan Bhagat and Salman Rushed-out

What is it about Chetan Bhagat?

Like an itch inside your pants during a Team Meeting, why is he always there in the media, the news, the internet?

As if the brouhaha over his latest book (I was tempted to review it, but dropped the idea due to the sheer mediocrity in it) breaking new records wasn’t enough, he also commented on the Salman Rushdie issue. “We shouldn’t make controversial authors into heroes,” says Mr. Bhagat, the IIT-IIM passout panacea for every problem in the world. Really?

Coming from the second most annoying person on television (after Suhel Seth), someone who is always in the middle of some controversy or the other, the statement seems laughably hypocritical. Here’s why:

Chetan Bhagat is what he is, simply because of the hero-worshipping that he attributes to Rushdie. Rushdie didn’t publish tweets saying he wanted to attend it. He was invited to the Festival, on the basis of his writing. Chetan Bhagat, meanwhile, has a say on every issue, provides Idea-3G like solution to the the most complex problems of the country, and has created an aura of a messiah around himself, whereas at best, his books are pulp fiction. Something you pick for a train journey, and then pass it on.

Before I face brickbats, let me make it clear I am not undermining his worth. He has changed the game in Indian publishing, selling millions, and spawning a set of young authors, who write about the terribly fascinating subjects of campus, romance, love triangles, and friendship. He has brought down the price of books, and many would argue, the standards of writing in English as well.

For now, you don’t need writing skills to write a book. What you need is a love story, a campus, a little sex added to the plot, and stir it up with a colourful book cover, and sell it at 100 rupees. Ho gaya!

Which again, I have no problems against. I am no one to decide how someone should write, and what someone else should read. If his books have been selling like hotcakes, there surely would be something in it that people can relate to. What I have a problem with, is his messiah-like image that he has carefully built around himself.

Look at some of his articles on The Times of India.

In an article, supposedly to help women deal with stress, he writes,

“Can you imagine life without the ladies?”

“There would be body odour, socks on the floor and nothing in the fridge to eat. The entertainment industry would die. Who wants to watch movies without actresses? Kids would be neglected and turn into drug addicts or psychopaths by age 10. Soon, all-male world leaders would lose their tempers at the slightest provocation, and bomb the guts out of each other’s countries. ”

Really, dude? And the Times of India accepts that kind of trash?? May be they asked him what Hrithik Roshan’s pet name was, and then selected the story.

He ends the article with this remarkable line, “Now smile, before your mother-in-law shouts at you for wasting your time reading the newspaper.”

The article advices women to stand up for themselves, not to cook four dishes a day, and to tell their bosses that their work is not being appreciated. There is no mention of how men could help out women at home, stop suffering from vertical squint (the biological condition wherein a man’s eyes are squinted downwards, giving the impression that he is talking to the woman’s boobs), or just treat women as equals.

Or his solution to corruption – this one-sentence stroke of genius – “Punishment is must for all scams.” Wow! My eyes were opened on that day, and I still find it difficult to sleep at nights, they refuse to shut.

The fact is, Chetan Bhagat, thanks to his tweets, his speeches, and his articles, has been made into exactly that – a controversial author made into a superstar. Then what does he have against Rushdie?

Now, let’s talk about the issue of censorship.

Chetan Bhagat will never face censorship of any kind, because his books hardly have the density or depth that require any censoring, in spite of lines like “I want to milk that woman.” In such a case, it is easy for him to talk about controversial authors being made into heroes.

As an author, if I were to begin writing by thinking within a certain periphery of what I am about to write about, what is the whole point?

I don’t want to get into the religious repercussions of Rushdie’s writings. I understand that his book has ruffled feathers worldwide, but does that mean we won’t let him enter the country and attend a literary festival? Who are we, the Taliban??

The government made up facts about underworld dons threatening to kill him, and Rushdie was kept out of the event. And then, our Mr. Chetan Bugger says that what happened was right, and we as a country, should not make controversial authors into heroes. Which is scary because he has made himself into some sort of model for youth, and his words impact a million youngsters in the country. Isn’t he propagating intolerance? He should be talking about people being liberal, accommodating, and mature.

Censorship in books has been an issue over the last few years, and taking a look at the list of books that have been banned in the last few years will tell you that there is no set yardstick for banning a book. A few protests here and there could ban a book, that’s how simple it is. Some of the books are:

The Polyester Prince – The Rise of Dhirubhai Ambani. The book speaks about the rise of the Reliance empire, and apparently had some objectionable content about him. Now, tell me, do you think that a particular set of people, belonging to a certain caste, community, or race would have protested against the book? It clearly didn’t go down well with a corporate house, and without any explanation, the book was downright banned.

Nehru: A political biography: No explanation needed about what the book consists of. But, unfortunately some of the people in our country didn’t like the book, and so it was banned.

Shivaji – Hindu king in Islamic India: The biography didn’t go down well with politicians in Maharashtra, and after attacks on the publisher’s offices and a library, the book was banned. When the Supreme Court lifted the ban last year, here’s what Raj Thackeray had to say: “”If anyone tries to sell the book, then they will face the music in MNS style. We will burn each and every copy of the book.”

If this goes on, what is the future of writing in our country? Do authors get to write only nice things about people? Do all authors have to write about campus love stories, books titled ‘Three Morons’, ‘Four Buffoons of my Life’, and ‘I love Sixty Nine’?? If I want to write about a personality, and there is something that might not be pleasant to read, do I need to shut up and keep it to myself? Is this the new, shiny India that Mr. Bhagat envisages for us, when he sits down to write those inspirational Chicken Soup for the Country’s Soul articles in the ToI every Sunday?

Allow me to choose my heroes, Mr. Bhagat. I would rather have a controversial author as my hero, than a mediocre one.

Mera Bharat Mahaan

My ass.

Since childhood, we have been asked to be proud of our country. We have grown up on patriotic songs, and the fact that Independence Day and Republic Day were both holidays, and that we were given laddoos and toffees after the flag hoisting, automatically meant that there was something to celebrate about.

We grew up with stories of ‘Sone ki chidiya’, and how India is the greatest country in the world. We cheered India in cricket matches and confused hating Pakistan, as patriotism. We were taught to revere and love our country, and be proud of it.

Every year, news papers and news channels bombard us with information about the growth of the country. Reports of India growing at 9% every year, the leading software exporter, and emerging superpower and all that.  India is the best cricketing nation in the entire world, among the nine other nations that play it full time. In patriotic fervor, we bled blue and shat green.

Deep within, we all know the truth.

In reality, the common man in India has to make do with shitty conditions. Shitty facilities, shitty governments, and shitty policies, implemented by shitty officers. We have gotten used to sub-standard services and learnt to look past it. We have gotten used to dirty roads, delayed trains, lazy babus, and a thousand other things. When poorly planned roads are flooded due to heavy rains, we praise the ‘undying spirit’ of Mumbai when everyone goes to work the next day. We have learnt to look at an alternative.

When was the last time you went to a government hospital for a check up? When was the last time you saw a public toilet that was clean, or a train that didn’t have messages like “Want sex? Call me” written on them? Why are basic amenities of a city, like public transport, roads, and offices dirty? We have gotten used to inefficient services, corruptions scandals and other things going on, on and on.

Basic services like education, sanitation, public transport are terrible. Those of us who can afford it, avoid it. Thanks to liberalisation, we can now depend on private companies for everything that the government has failed to give us. We all know there are people who are without the basic facilities.

But guys like us. You and me. We escaped the shithole. We studied, or worked hard, or were born into families that were well off. But we escaped the mess.

We went to private schools and learnt English. We take flights to avoid trains, and we go to private hospitals instead of government dispensaries. We have managed to survive in spite of the system, and not because of the system.

We urban lot are not just mindless greedy people running after money, mind you. We are concerned. We are moved by stories of poverty. We forward mails about poor children. We argue about it and debate about it. We take sides when Arundhati Roy writes an article or the govt enforces a new policy.

But then, we have our own issues, na? We are stuck with a government that can shut us up by announcing a Bharat Ratna for Sachin Tendulkar. A government where the largest scam in the history of the country has coincided with the largest scam in sports, coupled with the largest scam by a corporate house. But what are we to do? The opposition is busy talking about how homosexuality is harmful to our culture. The government smiles at us, and spanks our ass. We enjoy it, and scream for more.

We pride ourselves on our ‘Indian culture’, on our religions, and our Gods. So possessive are we about our culture, that we enter pubs, pull out women, and beat them up, screaming ‘Jai Sri Ram’. We are intolerant about an artist and can only analyse his paintings of Hindu goddesses when they are juxtaposed next to paintings of Muslim women. We beat up people of other states if they open a stall in our states. We are proud of our country, and our state, and our culture, and our ability to make do.

So this August 15th , don’t fool yourself. News channels will try their best and bring in interesting shows about the country. Telecom companies will put up hoardings and there will be a few speeches. Autorickshaws and cars will have India flags on them, TV channels will show a few patriotic films, and a few videos will be circulated. There will be a few other things that will go on that day, desperate efforts to make you feel proud. Don’t fall for it.

Stock up on booze, take a trip somewhere for the extended weekend. Make this the best Monday of the year.

But don’t be proud. There’s nothing to be proud of.

M****** F*** Husain

The last week saw news channels paying rich tributes to M.F. Husain, who died in London at the age of 95. There were debates among intellectuals and politicians about what M.F. Husain did right, and like this blogger, some who magnanimously took it upon themselves to tell people ‘where Hussain went wrong’.

If we ever enter a dictionary and take a tour of all the words we use everyday, in a dark corner, we would find the word ‘culture’ sitting crouched. She has been battered, abused and raped, and is still dragged into our conversations everyday. ‘Culture’ has been used to take matters into our own hands, she has made our blood boil, and has united and divided us, both at once. Little does ‘culture’ know the havoc that she plays with our lives everyday.

When a Raj Kapoor shows the breasts of a 16 year old, disguising it under cheesy references to the Ganga getting polluted, the censors pass it off as ‘artistic and aesthetic’. The largest selling book from India is the Kamasutra, which reaffirms Western notions that India is an exotic country with queens and snakes, but we have no problem with that.

I wonder how much controversy would be generated if Husain was a Hindu.

The one criticism that still haunts Husain is that he painted Hindu goddesses nude. This was with an intention to offend the sentiments of Hindus. We were all shown chain mails that compared paintings of Husain, with Hindu women on the left side and Muslim women on right side. While the goddesses were nude, the Muslim women were all well-dressed. These mails enraged Hindus, and were forwarded to each other.

Truth is, Husain started painting from the age of ten or so. He was a prolific painter who continued to paint till his death at the age of 95. He has been credited with over 60,000 paintings, and comparing a few and drawing a conclusion is like saying Amay Khurasia is a better batsman that Sachin because he scored 55 on his debut and Sachin scored only 18 in the World Cup final.

We were enraged by paintings of Sita in the nude. What about when political parties scream ‘Jai Sri Ram’ and beat up women in pubs or slaughter and rape women? Do you think Sita would be proud of her husband at that time? What do all these enraged people feel during such times?

India never had a culture of artists. We had rich artistic traditions, but all the artists worked for kings. They painted portraits of the royal family, or built commissioned monuments. The credit for the works went to the king, and nothing was mentioned of the artist who did the work. The concept of individual artistic celebritydom was never a part of our country.

Husain grew up painting everyday objects – the markets, the local people, the women, the monkeys and the horses. Born into poverty, he never learnt art, but his expertise with the medium is credited to the experience he gained by painting huge hoardings of Hindi films.

Husain joined the Progressive Artists Group a few years later. Along with his group, Husain acquired fame and money. He held numerous art shows, directed films, also winning the Golden Bear at the Berlin Film Festival for his work. I have never studied art, but I can recognise a Husain just by a single glance. Though most of us trash paintings as ‘modern art’, Husain’s paintings have a character to them – you have to see them to know what I am talking about.

Somewhere in the 90s, a few Bajrang Dal activists found some paintings that he had done in the 70s, and the entire nation spat its hatred on the man. We stopped his exhibitions, burnt his books. We stoned his house, threatened him with death, and the government did nothing. He fled his country and stayed in Europe. We ignored how lovingly he spoke about India in every interview of his, but accused him of sucking up to a Muslim country on accepting a Qatari citizenship.

The truth is, Husain has done more for our culture than all of us put together can imagine.

Husain along with other artists brought art back in vogue. He was probably the first superstar of Indian art. Today, thousands of students pursue art as a discipline. They work on our indigenous art forms, keeping them alive, because they see people like Husain and look at art as a viable option.

But kya karen? The bastard painted Sita nude, yaar. He deserved to be kicked out of the nation.

Baba Black Sheep

Today, one of my greatest fears over the last few years came true. After flirting with political aspirations for a while now, Baba Ramdev jumped into the Anti-Corruption brigade, and has gone on a fast unto death for the cause.

It’s not long before he’ll announce a political party, and it would be a sad day for Indian politics.

My first brush with Baba Ramdev happened a few years back. When I am bored and have nothing to do, I flip through the devotional channels and trip on the babas on them. That was when I first saw Baba Ramdev, and he was giving a pravachan on Ramayan.

“……but Ram is Purushottam.” Wink.

“And every action of Ram’s is for the welfare of the people.” Wink.

I thought he was a cynic who was looking at the funny side of things. It was only when I noticed that he had a twitch in his left eye, I switched the channel.

Gradually, from our bedrooms, Baba Ramdev began to make appearances on news channels. Once he claimed a cure for cancer, and at other times spoke against cola companies. The truly absurd moment was when he said that homosexuality was a disease and there was a cure for it. Where could the cure be found? Why Baba himself has invented a medicine to cure it, of course!

This is precisely why his joining politics is a scary affair. In a country where media channels cannot even use the word ‘Muslim’ and have to resort to words like ‘minority’, the thought of Baba Ramdev entering politics is equal to an oil tanker leaking on Diwali night.

It is high time we did something about the quality of people who enter politics. Just last week, there was a report in the papers about the Information Technology Minister of Orissa passing his +2 exams with first division. The effing Information Technology minister. While his courage is admirable, the question is how could he have been made a minister? That too, an IT minister??

I wonder why there is no requisite educational degree or work experience for anyone entering politics. Probably a course in Public Affairs/ Public Administration. Though it sounds like a long shot, it does make perfect sense.

Doctors and engineers need to earn degrees to begin working. In every field, one has to go through a professional course, and gain work experience. Then how come, to become a political leader, a career that needs more responsibility that all the above put together, a person need not be qualified?

I know people will say that not everyone is bestowed with a good educational background, and cite the state of our schools and primary education system. But then, after a minister is elected, doesn’t he/she have to read reports, analyse results, plan policies, and manage funds? Dont all these require a high level of skillsets?

Another positive from a minimum benchmark would be that we wouldn’t have bogus politicians. Like a Govinda who takes ample time off from the Assembly to shoot for cinematic masterpieces like ‘Life Partner’. Or children of political leaders continuing the family legacy like it just a halwai ka dukaan. Or spiritual babas who masquerade as the panacea to all the problems of the country, like Baba Ramdev.

Seriously, can you imagine Baba Ramdev in his office, reading reports? How much administrative experience does he have?

While some might accuse me of taking potshots at the crusade against corruption, I would like to point out here that Baba Ramdev is a pathetic torchbearer for such a worthy cause. He has simply jumped on the public anger against politicians and seems to be adding a new issue to his list of demands every hour.

If you have been following him on the news channels, he has listed in his demands that minimum support prices be revised, currencies of large denominations be banned to avoid corruption. Right, baba. So if we buy arms from the US, we should ship them cargo ships of ten rupee notes. Baba also wants that all engineering and medical colleges teach in Hindi, rather than English.

But the present movement has given him the ideal platform to announce his debut into politics. Ironically, a few weeks back, the same Baba who cries hoarse about illegal money stashed abroad, bought an island in the UK. Why, baba? Surely you could have set up the same ashram here in India? Or, like Anna Hazare, with whom you are ‘fast’ friends, probably adopted a village and transformed its fortunes?

Why get your hands dirty in politics, baba? You are in the best career one could think of. No targets, no results, unlimited income, and tax benefits. What more do you want?

You should continue educating the country on the benefits of Yoga. The only time the common man does pranayam is when he enters a Sulabh Shauchalaya. Why not work on that? Or may be work on the cure for AIDS that you claimed to have found??

Why I was not a part of the Anna Hazare campaign

Just a few months back, my country was about to be changed. It was going to changed through viral campaigns on Facebook, and missed call campaigns. Sadly, my country missed out.

The worst thing about the campaign was that there was no scope for any argument when the campaign was going on. No counter logics were accepted, and anyone who found any flaw with the campaign, was branded as someone against the idea of a corrupt-free nation. That was the first reason for me to get disillusioned with the campaign.

The second reason was the brouhaha over the fast unto death. All across the nation, students, professionals, and others went on a hunger strike to show their solidarity towards Anna Hazare. My problem was with the modus operandi of the campaign.

Has the situation in our country become so desperate that we need to have fast-unto-deaths to prove a point? Isn’t this technique tantamount to political blackmail? Had the government succumbed to the demands of Anna and his brethren, what precedent would we be setting for the future? If tomorrow a group of people go on a fast demanding a separate state, or for special privileges, what reason would the government cite, for not fulfilling their demands? Would it then be, that Anna’s fast has more truth in it that someone else’s fast??

What disappointed me the most was that it was more or less an urban campaign. Even though India won the World Cup, the best timing was by Anna Hazare. Just when our news channels had tired of showing how Lord Shiva was helpful in winning the World Cup and how Shanidev had blessed Dhoni and hence he had shaved off his hair, they had something else to stun us with – the campaign.

India was done with the celebrating a cricket victory. Check. What next? Hey, lets kick some politicians’ ass! And lo and behold, within days, a tasty, simmering nationwide frenzy was waiting to be devoured. And how we devoured it!

I was truly in awe of the power of Facebook. Within days, walls began to be filled up talking about Anna Hazare and his mission. Emotional mails with statistics about the amount of wealth stacked up in foreign banks welcomed your morning log in. PicBadges became the most common thing, after LOLs and :P’s. Urban, educated India had found its enemy – corruption.

And the technique that was selected to fight it? Fast-unto-death? Really, guys??

By selecting the fast-unto-death mode of fighting, we were belittling the cause, equating it with any other campaign that strives for the attention of the government by resorting to scare tactics. We were no different from the organisers of the bandhs in the country. The leitmotif was the same – We have something to say. You better listen to us.

Seriously, I was disappointed.

But above all, what disappointed me the most was the tone of the campaign. Slogans were written against corrupt ministers. Nobody bothered to point out that corruption is what makes our lives easy. Corruption is truly the greatest offshoot of a democratic system. It has ensured a system where one can get away with a little rap on the knuckle, and the officer with a little tap on the shoulder, and everything works as it was.

Corruption is such a successful institution because it has got its funda right. The beneficiaries love it, it is mutually beneficial, and like an overpriced Amway product, it is chain-marketed to more people.

My main grudge against the people who were part of the campaign was that the targets were the politicians. Now, politicians are just people who are doing their work, no? You think it’s easy? Running from this mantri to that mantri, organising rallies in the hot sun, shouting your voice hoarse? They are just going about their job, ensuring some bread for their family and butter for their seniors. What harm did they do to anyone?

What about us? You and me?? What about when we get caught by a cop and flash a smile and slip our hands into our pockets? What about when we ask the peon to get some ‘chai-pani’ for the sahib? Corruption is not the luxury of the rich. It is the refuge of the middle class.

But sadly, all we could come up with, was a fast-unto-death. Ironically, the method in itself seems corrupt.

Smile now, Ms. Roy

On Monday, 73 security personnel were ambushed and killed by Maoists in the jungle of Dhantewada. I am sure this must have brought a contended smile on the face of Ms. Roy. Ms. Roy, (for those of you who do not know who) is an intellectual. She is above us mortals, and her logic is not to be understood by us. Her enemies are the state of India, the US of A, the large corporations, HInduism, the common man, and many others whom she will gradually discover. She has won the Booker prize and written numerous essays and so that by default makes everything she says true.

Ms. Roy has a surprising number of followers in India. Most of them belong to the middle/upper class. They are well educated and are aware of situations around them. Arundhati Roy is their pagan Goddess. It is, after all, cool to quote her. Such disciples can be found debating on a variety of topics, ranging from atrocities of the USA, to the injustice meted out to the tribal populations, or, ‘tribals’ (as they put it, with full sensitivity, of course). Imagine walking into a room of lesser mortals with your kurta and khadi bag, and talking about the injustice of the capitalist world. Isn’t that the coolest thing? It sure is.

Some would argue that Ms. Roy is a fundamentalist. But surely, she cannot be one? She has won a Booker prize. She wants Kashmir to be a separate state. And she thinks that Mohd. Afzal is just a spoilt brat who in one of his childish pranks, ordered his comrades to attack the Parliament. It is ghastly that the government tried to hang him. Oh, and yeah, she and her husband own a posh 4,346 sq. ft bungalow in Panchmarhi, which violate forest laws. But she is not God, is she? She is only human. And a very intellectual human.

For Ms. Roy’s followers, wearing a Nike shirt is a vulgar endorsement of capitalism, and buying a kurta from Fab India for Rs. 554 is alright. “It is made by Indian weavers. I do not mind paying a high price for it.” Such patriotism!

Ms. Roy and her band of intellectuals have been staunch supporters of the Naxal movement and endorse the right of the tribal people to use violence as a means. “Who is going to listen to them? What about the injustice meted out to them? What about those who cannot speak out like you and me?” Point well noted.

The security personnel are not human beings. There has been no injustice done to them. They have been slaughtered and shot at, but surely that can’t be injustice? For, they do not have families, and they earn salaries as high as 12,000 a month. They are a privileged lot. So let us not speak about them.

The Maoists have said that they want to ‘take over’ the country by 2050. I am sure they mean it in a good way. Blow up a few police stations here and there, damage a few schools, recruit some young teenagers into their ranks. Nothing very serious. Of course, then there is the spreading of chaos in the administration. And as a means of connecting with the common man, they would stop trains and lay a few friendly bombs here and there. You know, just regular ‘Hi-Bye’. The Maoists are the answer to the problem faced by the tribal people.

Construction of buildings of any kind is again a sign of globalisation. There should be no buildings at all. The Maoist areas are run on the simple principle of brotherhood of man. As a result, there are no police stations in these areas. There are no hospitals as well. Government hospitals and dispensaries are regularly blown up, as they propagate something as sinister as free medical facilities for all. There are no schools in these areas as well. Children do not need to study. Whie their counterparts across the country are whiling away their time learning about World Wars and the Freedom Movement, the children in these areas are actually contributing towards such issues. They are recruited in the ranks and wield guns. They lay their lives down for their land. They are not children, they are martyrs. We are talking of generations of injustice towards the tribal people here. None of the Maoist areas have such unnecessary side-effects of globalisation as schools, hospitals and police stations. Roads are another unnecessary expense that the government is incurring. Not needed.

Our intellectual brothers also remind us time and again of the atrocities of the Government towards the tribal people. Tribal people are the same as the Maoists, not to be confused as two different people. It is the tribal people who are trained in guns, run drills, and plant landmines. It is the tribal people who are fighting their war, and they are not being instigated by Maoists. They are one and the same.

These intellectuals are also the only people aware of the skewed R&R policies of the government. Of course, wearing chappals and kurtas entitles them to a greater understanding of such issues, issues which the common man has absolutely no idea about. None of us, the common men, are aware that there has been injustice meted out to them, we are not concerned. We do not care about them. We are lost in our own world, mere spokes in the vicious cycle of globalisation-development and injustice that is going on. They have been historically sinned against, something that none of us admit or acknowledge, cruel and myopic as we are. This fact is to be hammered into our brains till we turn into intellectuals ourselves. What is the way forward? How do we resolve the issue from here on?

That is not important. It is important that no force is used against the Maoists. They have suffered so much, it is only humane to give them time and space to express their angst. Evil conspiracies like laying down their arms and dialogues across the tables are for the mediocre. Ideologies as rich as the Maoists need not succumb to these. There is no point in looking at the future. There is no point in trying to find a solution. Letting them be is the only way the tribal populations can have a better life.

The Maoists have plans and social schemes that can ensure that the tribal people are ensured of their land, their rights, and to a better socio-economic status. There is an agenda for social well-being, yes. It hasn’t been implemented in any of the areas as of yet (the movement has only been in effect for the last 30 years. Revolution is a lengthy process). So, there is not a single area that is run by the Maoists where the tribal people lead lives of economic independance and well-being. But those days are not far away.

Utopia will arrive in 2050. When the Maoists will ‘take over’ the country. Only then, my friends, will we be an intellectual country.

Till then, take homage in the knowledge of Ms. Roy. There is hope for salvation.

Way to go,da!

Deve Gowda has done it again. Just when I thought our political leaders were digging new depths of boredom, Gowda, the old warhorse of clumsy politicians, shows us he’s still got it. Which makes me think, why do we expect our politicians to be honourable, respectable and genteel in their dealings anyway? Come on, they are humans too. They have egos, fight, and call each other “bloody bastards”. What’s the big deal?

I firmly believe politicians be left alone. Let them make asses of themselves, at least they will be providing their constituencies with comic relief. Won’t it be fun to listen to them go at each other? Compared to the usual tripe of “Yeh opposition party ki saazish hai”. Imagine the pleasure of listening to a politician go “Honourable Speaker, I would like to point out that Mr. Tiwari is a bloody asshole!”. It will be a sure-shot way to get the youth interested in politics. The other option is to have prettier politicians. I mean, Priyanka Vadra is kind of cute, but then anyone in the midst of Mamta Banerjee and Mayawati ought to feel like a princess.

But keeping boring politicians aside, the two words “Bloody, Bastard” do ring a bell. At one point of time, being able to say ‘bloody bastard’ meant that we had grown up. There was an unwritten law in our school. There was an accepted level of profanity for every stage of growing up. Till Class 2, we were not allowed to use any unpleasant words. Going to Class 3 meant that we could say “Shut Up”. We couldn’t be blamed. We were surrounded by spiritual vibes. We were protected from movies, with the only abuse being when some God would appear in the demon’s dream and say, “Moorkh!” or “Paapi!” or something like that.

Class 4 wasn’t much of a progress, with words like ‘ass’ being thrown around when someone was real bugged.

Class 5 was our coming of age year. We were allowed to bathe ourselves once a month, we were allowed to write with pens. It felt great to see our shirts’ pockets stained with ink. And we were allowed to say ‘Bloody, Bastard’. There was a dramatic transformation in the way we conversed. Even a small irritation would be met with, “Get lost, you. Bloody, Bum, Bastard!” The three Bs. The elusive three Bs. It felt like such an achievement when you could call someone that.

There was this classmate of mine, Nishant. Overwhelmed with his newfound adulthood, he once asked our classmate to “go, mind your own bloody business”. While everyone went “O” in surprise, our Chacha Chaudhry immediately came up with, “Check the dictionary, ma’am. ‘Bloody’ means smeared with blood. So actually I haven’t said anything terrible”. If only teachers fell for that kind of crap! Another guy, Shivram, believed in making maximum use of abuse. When he had a fight with anyone, he went on saying “Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody” at a very fast pace till his opponent gave up, or put his index finger to his head and made the “mental” gesture.

But anyway, going further in our progression of profanities, it was kind of alright to use ‘fuck’ in Class 9. Of course, if a teacher heard you, you’d have to clean the toilets, or clean the corridor. Since profanities came at such a premium price, I have always reserved mine for the best moments. And the choicest of abuses. But seeing these politicians go at each other like Class 3 girls makes me go “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!”