Fart of Living

His Holiness Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar performed an intricate yogic feat last month. It is called ‘putting your foot in your mouth‘, and the results make you transform into a douchebag in everyone’s eyes.

With all the wisdom he has acquired over the years, the revered Gurudev had this to say about our education system – “Government should not run any school. It is often found that boys who studied in government schools go into Naxalism and violence.”

This is such Bull Bull Bull Shit, that it makes you wonder if the Art of Living has replaced the more important Art of Thinking. Or the Art of Making Sense. Someone should start a course in the Art of Shutting the Fuck Up.

As it is, the schools in Naxal areas bear the brunt of the armed struggle. Schools are recognised by the Maoists as government buildings and blown up. The ones that exist have been taken up as ‘camps’ by the government’s armed forces, and are used as bunkers. The classes have been called off, and most of the children in Naxal-hit areas do not get a minimum education.

The solution, quite clearly, lies in privatising these schools. So that you can have an Oxbridge International School in the jungles, where tribal children pay exorbitant fees to learn English nursery rhymes that they have no connection to. Probably throw in a few meditation classes too, you know, to deal with ‘individual stress’. The sheer brilliance of it all!

Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar lives in the US, his followers are people like Bill Clinton. He also appears on a show on MTV in the US. His website claims his organisation works on issues like ‘individual stress, societal problems, and violence’. Consider me hollow and unintelligent, but I can never understand spiritual teachings.

Imagine there is an Indian man who has no clue what is happening to him, his life, his country, the society, or his job. He goes to Ravi Shankar for help. And Ravi Shankar says this, “Beta, truth is spherical, rather than linear, so it has to be contradictory.” (An actual line!)

What on earth is that man going to understand? He will obviously run out of the hall, screaming ‘Baba ki jai’. I always thought this is the case with most followers of Babas. We are too doubtful of ourselves to question anyone, so we accept someone else’s notion of the truth, and celebrate it.

But His Holiness is more than just a spiritual guru. He has often times offered to butt into national politics. Like the time when he offered to negotiate with the Naxals for peace. How, exactly? You don’t live in the country, you don’t know the local language. What are you going to talk about? Teach them meditation? If they have their way, His Holiness would be forced into a state of permanent pranayam – with an infinite gap between Anulom and Vilom.

I remember a friend suggesting I join an Art of Living course. Apparently, I had to cough up 600 rupees for the course. Why? ‘The money goes to the many NGOs that the Ashram runs’. But isn’t that unfair, I asked. ‘What happens if a man cannot afford 600 rupees. Doesn’t he have a right to understand the art of living. Is this art (like most art today) only to be understood and consumed by the rich?’

‘It’s not like that. In poor places, only 400 is charged from people’.

And what do these charitable institutions do? Distribute food, books, relief during calamities? No. They take meditation classes, relieve the world of ‘stress’.

The problem, dear Guruji, is that we are Indians. We are grappling with food, clothing, and shelter. You can keep your tripe about individual stress to yourself, we’ll deal with it later.

For most Indians, it a ‘War of Living’. An intricate art of surviving, competing, and existing.

You can peddle your Art to the foreigners who come to India looking for spiritual nirvana on top of an elephant while a snake charmer is playing his tunes.

I’m sure they’ll lap it up.