Dhoom, Dhoomer, Dhoomest

*ing Aamir Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Uday Chopra, Katrina Kaif, Suspinder Kaybles.

(Disclaimer: This article contains spoilers. If you haven’t watched the film yet, please continue reading, as it won’t make a rat’s ass of a difference anyway.)

For a long time, I had decided against watching Dhoom 3.

“I shall not be a part of the multitudes who contribute to this money-swallowing Godzilla of a film,” I told myself.

But for how long?

For how long can one stay away from the man? How long could I, a mere mortal, fight off the animal magnetism of Uday Chopra?

I took the plunge.

 

*

 

Dhoom 3 begins with a simple Suspension of Disbelief Test.

In the first 5 minutes of the film, we are shown Jackie Shroff – the Breathing Woman’s Sex Symbol of the 80’s. He’s shown reading out from a journal that he’s written.

Jackie Shroff. Reading Out. From a Journal that he’s written.

If you cross this Pehla Padaav of disbelief, you shouldn’t be complaining about anything else in the film.

 

*

 

One must pause here to reflect on the uniqueness of the Dhoom franchise.

Cop franchises aren’t new. Police Academy, Die Hard, Fast and Furious. They’re all franchises with efficient cops catching smart thieves, in slick movies.

What makes the Dhoom franchise unique, is the fact that it doesn’t matter if Inspector Jai Dixit catches the thief or not. For someone purported to be the Top Cop of the country, Inspector Dixit has flexible views on punishment, pardon, and perjury.

 

 

Not exactly what you’d call efficient work.

But then, it’s not any Oga, Moga, Khoga that we’re talking of here. Dhoom 3 stars the son of Amitabh Bachchan, and the son of Yash Chopra – two of the most powerful men in the industry.

And so, we set off on their adventure – another epic Cop amd Thief story, where the thief doesn’t get caught.

And who’s the thief.

Aamir Thinking Man Khan.

In the last few years, Aamir Khan’s films have always been imparting important life lessons to viewers. 3 Idiots taught us that it’s important to pursue one’s dreams, and not grades. Taare Zameen Par taught us how to deal with our children, since they’re all special. And Ghajini taught us to, err, forget everything for a second and bash people to death.

In the meantime, Aamir Khan also taught us how to respect foreigners coming into our country, and hosted Satyameva Jayate – a massive mirror to our immoral faces.

Which makes it a little difficult to accept him as a thief. Every few minutes, I was half expecting him to stop, look at the camera, wipe away a few pristine tears, and tell the country how wrong it is to steal money.

 

That’s the other thing about the Dhoom franchise. It gives actors the freedom to go batshit crazy. Aamir Khan robs banks and leaves messages in Hindi, and meets Inspector Jai Dixit in the first half hour (probably having watched Dhoom and Dhoom – 2, he had a fair idea of Jai Dixit’s efficiency).

Khan’s greatest acting achievement in this film is a near-perfect portrayal of Sanjay Dutt. He sleepwalks through some scenes, and goes Morgan Freeman Intense on others. He mouths lines that would make a five year old giggle, and does it with the confidence of an actor being paid crores for it.

Aamir Khan has a strange relationship with Nolan. With Ghajini, he broke down Memento for the Indian audiences, and in this film, he pays tribute to Nolan’s Prestige.

I suspect his next film will be a remake of Inception. A Sanjay Leela Bhansali film called Mann ke Dwaar, where blue, red, and green waterfalls spring out of the roads, and monkeys are fucking camels on the side. Like Inception, we would all be able to comprehend it.

 

 

Then there is Katrina Kaif. Who has been named Asian Goddess Who Sings and Dances Like Liquid Electricity. But yeh toh bahut lamba hai. She bats those lovely eyelids and says, Aaliya.

Given a meaty role by the writers, Katrina Kaif has more dialogues than the motorcycles used in the film, and routinely waltzes into the screen and sings and dances. Like liquid electricity.

 

 

Which then brings us to the man who drives the whole franchise –  Shōzō Kawasaki. Abhishek Bachchan.

Frowning, grimacing, gritting his teeth, pursing his lips, and reminding Ali of his rightful place by his side every few minutes, Abhishek Bachchan is the epitome of intense.

Burdened with the burden of representing the entire population of efficient Indian cops, Abhishek Bachchan delivers in stellar style. Blessed with terrific screen absence, Abhishek Bachchan towers over the film in monumental fashion.

And finally, there is the man. The reason I couldn’t resist the film.

That higher power, that zenith of histrionic abilities, Ali – Bison from Borivalli.

The makers have attempted to make the viewers look at Uday Chopra differently this time, and in the opening shot, he is upside down. He then becomes straight again, and launches into a 5 minute speech about corruption in the country.

As he speaks, you are transported to a different world. A hypnotic, magical world where nothing is real and everything is surreal. Given the responsibility of providing comic relief in a film that’s already outrageously funny, Uday Chopra delivers splendid jokes. At one point, my liver was laughing at my brain for understanding the joke.

 

*

 

Dhoom 3 was the worst film I watched in 2013. And I’ve watched a few Oriya films this year. The film shows that there are no limits for Bollywood. If those goras don’t treat our expats right, we will go to their land and fuck with the elements.

2013 witnessed the ends of spectacular careers.

One was a short, curly haired man, and when he went, people stood and cried. The other was a stocky man with pillars for biceps, and when he went, he took 300 crores from the nation.

If only for that reason, watch the film.

 

When it debuts on television.