A Set of Completely Kick-Ass New Year Resolutions for 2015

By the time you read this, your wall would be inundated with Happy New Year messages, pictures, and updates.

The whole concept has baffled me no end. While I have never found it any reason to celebrate, I haven’t let it come in the way of getting piss drunk anyway. At those New Year bashes.

They are all the same. Pubs that are cursed with a steady footfall of pedophilic middle aged men all through the year. On the final day of the year, they get back at the public.

Inside, it is absolute war. There are about five couples, and the boyfriends, like Pandavas, are fighting off 100 Kaurava stag brothers, fighting to get on the floor and shake their booty. The free drinks are prepared in a way that you puke after three, and order some food to placate the world war ensuing in your insides. The only ones enjoying the new year Bash are the bouncers, shoving and punching people.

At the end of the night, you go home war-weary, your brain unable to locate where your body is. You wake up the next morning, your head bursting into a million pieces, to see updates about New Year resolutions.

While I like to believe that the whole concept of resolutions is frivolous, I have had many of my own. I have weekly resolutions, monthly resolutions, fortnightly resolutions. All shattered to smithereens by Madhuri Dixit High Resolution.

The whole process of thinking them up, adhering to them, giving yourself a false sense of nobleness, knowing all the while that in three days, you’re going to slip – it makes you feel like an alcoholic kleptomaniac kidney-selling relapsing smack abuser.

And yet, that was my routine every year. Getting piss drunk at New Year Extravaganza (With DJ Kashmakash) and faulting on the resolutions that I myself drew up. The entire first week of every new year has been a rather painful experience.

This year, I have the solution.

Resolutions serve more to make us feel better, than help us achieve anything in particular. Have you ever heard of a guy say ‘I’ll be the Prime Minister. That’s my New Year Resolution’? Most of the resolutions are small, harmful things that could or could not be achieved, with some resolve.

It’s not called New Year Resolve, just resolution. Which will inevitably break, that’s in its nature too. If you wish to change your life on the day humanity passed from one calendar year to another, I’m sorry but that’s shitty motivation.

And hence, I have my resolutions ready with me.

Awesome New Year Resolutions that are easy to adhere to, and make you feel great about yourself.

1. I’ll eat everything that comes my way.

Yes. I will eat everything. Laddoos, gajar halwa, 35 rupees worth of pani puri, followed by chicken roll and ice cream. Pork chop, dog curry, alu-poshto, chalk. Just about anything that can be chewed and ingested, I will eat.

Eat everything that comes your way, and then wipe off with a few pages ripped from Mens Health. Tell the world that you will not fall for its evil schemes to decide for you your self-worth.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like an Arab Sheikh, and dinner like Kim Jong Un.

2. I will be brutally honest.

A lot of us are dishonest for completely shallow reasons – he/she will get offended, why just cause trouble to others, etc etc. But at the end of the day, we are all going to die sad deaths, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the Mallu nurse to come administer drips, hoping in the corner of our minds that she’s the adventurous sort, only to hear the ECG machine beep, to die with the horrifying realization your last thoughts revolved around a Mallu nurse. So why do you care?

Just be brutally honest. Your friend boring you over some drinks? Just say ‘Dude. Maushichigaand to you, bro. Stop talking.’ Software friend sharing half-baked political propaganda? Send him a copy of Class 9 NCERT course for Civics.

We are lucky that the world we live in considers it a virtue to be completely honest. Yudhishtra was known to never have lied.

‘Do you want to play another round?’

‘…yes’.

‘…you have nothing left, might have to keep your wife at stake. You still want to play another round?’

‘Yes.’

(Of course, the Mahabharata being epic as it is, he went on to say the only lie in his life so that his teacher could be beheaded from the back. Well played, bro).

 

The point that I failed to drive home, is that people will respect you for being honest. While you came across as a complete lunatic so far, you will now shine in the virtue of being an honest person.

3. I will not exercise.

Let’s face it, we don’t exercise. It’s not a part of Indian culture. We haven’t done it for all these centuries, why will we suddenly start trying to exercise?

All western ideas sold by conniving conglomerates to weaken the fabric of our awesomeness. Hence, just firmly resolve not to exercise. Everytime you cross a gym, look up at the heavens like Virat Kohli and blow kisses to Parveen Babi. If there’s a tennis court, wade across like a majestic hippopotamus. Leave some dung also, if you possess those kind of skills.

When you see people exercising, smile benignly at them. Indulge their futile pursuit of perfection in the world where everything ends with a Mallu nurse. If you don’t feel good about yourself at the end of the year, I’ll change my name. (Have thought about it. HoneyRanjan).

4. I’ll wear shades all through the year.

Since I have been wearing spectacles from Class 9, I had never known the joy of wearing shades. Of course, there were those lousy ones that came free with Cadbury’s Bournvita. I wore them and walked around the colony like an idiot, giant grey circles over my face. I mean, I was a loyal customer, having never cheated on it with Horlicks or Maltova (even when they gave cricket bats for free!). And what did Bournvita give me? A pair of shitty, grey sunglasses.

It was cathartic when I heard the news of worms being found in Cadbury’s chocolates, taking the expression ‘Tere mooh mein keede pade’ a little too far.

Years passed, and online shopping became a big thing, and there came along this wonderful website called Lenskart. I ordered myself a pair of wayfarers, adjusted to my power. (Have you wondered why Indians call myopia as power? Tera kitna power hai? Mera -5 hai. Wow! Yeh kitne fingers hain, bata?)

The day I received the shipment, my life changed for the better. I could wear shades and not bang into stray cows on the road. I simply refused to take them off. I wore them all day, and often in the night too. Because I could.

Just wear shades all through the year. Remember, whatever it is you are doing, it is cooler with shades on.

Don’t fall for the trap set by shady bars and facebook pages. Do your thing.

Happy New Year!