Dr. Ashok Chopra Road and Honey Singh Foreign Liquor Off Shop

As I woke up this morning, The Times of India, as its wont, decided to sprinkle my life with the choicest of news.

Apparently, a road has been named in Mumbai after Dr. Ashok Chopra.

Ashok Chopra who, you ask? Is he related to Akash Chopra, you ask?

Why you buffon, you! You clearly haven’t been following the news.

Remember the time when Bollywood went to attend the funeral of Priyanka Chopra’s father and news organizations decided that it was worthy of our attention?

Yes, it is the same Dr. Ashok Chopra. He was a doctor in the Indian Army and passed away after an illustrious career in defence, which was further sweetened by the surge in Priyanka Chopra’s career.

 

Now, I know a lot of readers of this blog are cynics.

People who read a bit of news and scoff at it and move on to debonairblog.com.

But hold your horses, dear friends. Do not get so judgmental as yet. One must not commit the grave error of dismissing Dr. Ashok Chopra’s contributions to the nation.

Apart from serving in the army for many many years, Dr. Ashok Chopra has also fathered Priyanka Chopra. Now, that is a credible achievement.

Priyanka Chopra is not your regular pelvic-thrusting, sword-in-navel-poking heroine. She has done her bit to contribute to the legacy of our nation, and this is no mean task. It is a median task.

Firstly, who can forget Ms. Chopra’s role in Hero: Love Story of Spy? That heart-wrenching tale of love and treachery where Chopra works against her own nation so that the love of her life, Mr. Sunny Duel can kill bad guys in Canada by slamming a nuclear missile into their chests? Or that neo-wave piece of cinematic brilliance – Asambhav? Where Chopra is a singer who helps Arjun Rampal bamboozle the terrorists by proving them wrong and having two expressions? Or Kissmat, where Bobby Deol does not kiss her?

Or her work in music, for instance. Chopra, in spite of not having sung a single song in Hindi films (which have 5-6 full songs, lip-synced by the heroines themselves), has cut singles in the west. Reports suggest a new version of the hit single is in the pipeline. With lyrics that go – ‘My dad has a road named after him…in my city’.

 

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Again, what am I doing – shiva shiva?

How can I speak ill about a man who has given his entire life to serve the Indian army? How can I question the logic of naming roads and public amenities (that belong to the public) after fathers of film personalities? After all, we are the same country that has a Sanjay Gandhi Memorial Hospital, a Sanjay Gandhi Animal Care Centre, and a Sanjay Gandhi National Park.

But since we are naming public resources after great, towering personalities (whom nobody had heard of), one begs to ask the question – why stop at roads?

Don’t we have other amenities that can be named after people? Why go through the dull routine of naming roads and lanes as Lane 2, Road no.3, and Post Box No. 143? Why not spice up our country by naming everything after somebody or the other?

Imagine the sheer thrill of Gautam Buddha Highway (you have to walk on the divider – Middle Path and all). Or the sheer ingenuity of rechristening a crossroad as Jarasandha Split?

And to take this bold measure forward (since we hardly have any other issues for our political parties and leaders to focus upon), I present my suggestions for other public amenities that could be named after specific personalities.

 

1. Sunny Deol Water Supply Project:

Sunny Deol, for those who continue to live in denial, is the reason the earth spins in harmony around the sun. Scientists have found that the earth tilts to a slight 23 degree angle, due to the massive weight of his biceps.

Sunny Deol, as is commonly known, is the only man who had the balls watermelons to take a train to Pakistan, challenge a politician, marry his daughter, have a son, defeat the Pakistani army, and return in the same train. And it wasn’t even an action film: Gadar – Ek PREM Katha.

In one swift 2.5 kilo move, Sunny uprooted a tubewell in Pakistan. Experts suggest the scene could be a hidden message to Pakistan about the way Indian controls the flow of rivers to Pakistan. Others say he did it because he didn’t like the colour of the paint.

Be as it may, Sunny Deol’s contribution to inciting patriotism (by stirring anti-Pakistan feelings – same thing, no?) is immense. To honour his contribution, water supply boards should be rechristened Sunny Deol Water Supply Project.

I am sure this can be done. Firstly, Sunny Deol is involved in films. Secondly, Dharmendra was an MP. Thirdly, Hema Malini has been promoting good, clean water since the time I was a wild thought in my father’s head.

Who else, but Sunny Paaji to give our water supply projects a shot in the 2.5 kilo arm?

 

2. Azam Khan’s Veterinary Hospital

I have said this once, and I shall say this again. Buffaloes are awesome.

Before Azam Khan, buffaloes were on the sidelines of the nation’s consciousness. A buffalo has always lived under the shadow of its motherly cousin, the cow. While the scriptures clearly mention that there are 33,000 crores of gods and goddesses in the cow’s body, experts have found just one god in the body of a buffalo – Bob Marley.
And I find it amusing how the entire nation is always encouraging cows all the time (‘Go, Mata. Go, Mata!). Buffaloes, on the other hand, receive no acknowledgement in spite of their awesomeness.

But all that changed with Azam Khan. When three of his buffaloes were stolen in February this year, the policemen of UP (who are otherwise honest, hardworking men) were sent on a hunt to locate them. This was a few weeks after the Muzzafarnagar riots where people slaughtered each other to death. Three policemen were suspended for dereliction of duty, and a hunt for the buffaloes was launched.

Azam Khan brought in a relevance to buffaloes. These humble, friendly creatures who grazed about in the periphery of our world, were dragged by their horns into the mainstream. And as a tribute to that great feat, veterinary hospitals in the country should be named after Azam Khan.

3. Shashi Kapoor Maternity Care Centres

Even though our scriptures have been telling us to revere our mothers and tag them on Mothers’ Day, a lot of us do not heed such advice. But all that changed with Shashi Kapoor’s golden line in the film Deewar.

In the times when we are not calling Pakistanis ‘Motherchod’, and our enemies ‘Maa ki chut’, we all love our mothers.

Just look at the number of mother references our movies have. ‘Maa ka doodh piya hai toh saamne aa’, ‘Maa Rdala’, and ‘Aye, Maa ka raina’.

Also, as a lot of Engineering students will testify, ‘Mere paas behen hai’  just doesn’t have the same ring to it. The credit for putting the maa back in mamtaa goes to Shashi Kapoor. Also, for being a reasonably good looking man who could act, he got completely overshadowed by Amitabh Bachchan, And if Amitabh Bachchan (who already had gaadi, ghar, bungalow, and paisa) can be awarded six Honorary Doctorates, surely we can name our maternity clinics after the man who brought mothers back into the limelight?

 

4. Honey Singh Foreign Liquor Off Shop

In times of recession and depression, Honey Singh was a sliver of hope for the Indian liquor industry. The famous singer, who raps about rapes, has been promoting alcohol like it is his own business.

In spite of the criticism, he has been helpful in making alcoholics feel a part of the society (Chaar bottle vodka, kaam mere roz ka). He has also been promoting independence among the youth (Aunty police bulayegi, aunty police bulayegi, aunty police bulayegi. Phir bhi party yunhi chalegi).

Honey Singh has also been helping kids develop a deep love for poetry (Aaj din hai Sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny. Aur blue hai paani paani paani paani paani paani paani paani – even if it might get a frown from their Physics teacher).

For his contribution to the alcohol industry, Honey Singh needs to be given the honour of naming alcohol shops after him. And just for that added Yo Yo factor, they should be made to rhyme. The boards should read:

Honey Singh Foreign Liquor Off Shop.

Thoda daaru, thoda chakna, thoda hip-hop.

Milta hai yahaan mutton chop.

Honey Singh Foreign Liquor Off Shop.

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