What You Doing on Doomsday?

So the day has come, my dear brothers, sisters and Osho followers!

The predicted Doomsday.

The subject of films, prophecies, and a calendar by those Mayan assholes, the 2012 doomsday has been the discussion on web forums, talk shows, and documentaries. There are thousands of people who call themselves Doomsday Preppers, who are preparing for a catastrophe of catastrophic levels.

So what do you do on Doomsday?

I mean, firstly that depends on whether you believe it or not. If nothing happens, well, all is fine, and it’s another Friday ending, and you’re all set for a nice weekend. Fine.

But what if it happens? What if destiny catches you on the wrong foot?

What if you have devoted the day to something like washing old underwears and there you are – dead, your hands in a bucket of galeej chaddis!

So there’s no harm in being a little prepared.

Here are a few things that you can do to keep yourself busy on the day.

WATCH GUNDA:

Why? Well, because it is Gunda, that’s why.

Like how Tarantino takes violence to the level of an art, our own Kanti Shah takes crap to the level of a mind-bending Nolan blockbuster. Rated 7.7 on IMDB, watching Gunda is a bit like living in India.

There is crap all around, and all around there are crooks running the show, and you are just a mute spectator to all the drama, that you can’t help feeling like you’re watching from above.

Watching Gunda will teach you that you shouldn’t take life too seriously  The film might just be your dirty window to spiritual enlightenment.

And yeah, its got Mithun Chakravarty.

DON’T WATCH TELEVISION:

Television has been among the biggest KLPDs of our generation, technologically.

When there was Doordarshan, we would watch whatever came. There were a few good shows, a few lame ones, and there was news. The bad shows made the good shows more eagerly awaited, and life went on.

Then, cable television came on. Like floodgates that were opened, and we lapped it up. News, and films, and sports, and shows. We spent 3 Rs to vote for a budding Indian Idol, and watched with awe as our dickhead news channels telecast the police action live, much to the awe of the terrorists too.

We heard Arnab Goswami bellowing out for justice. Like Achilles screaming out to Hector to face him, the man screamed for justice, from the hands of the evil. Then, he went on screaming. And hasn’t stopped since.

And after two decades, after being an avid viewer of television, this is what I can safely say.

INDIAN TELEVISION SUCKS DONKEY BALLS.

I challenge you to sit with an open mind and watch more than an hour of any Indian channel. You just cannot. You cannot watch without cringing, yawning, and falling asleep.

So if Doomsday is coming, take your revenge on that stupid machine that promised us Katrina Kaif and delivered Poonam Pandey. Don’t watch the damn thing.

EAT SOME NON-VEG

This one is for the vegetarians.

All your lives, you have contributed to the cause of animals, the environment, the ecosystem, the cosmos, the entire fucking universe. You abstained from the evil of eating animals, something man has been doing since the day he started eating, and also made us non vegetarians feel guilty with those pictures, videos, and gyaan. Most of which was of course, bullshit. But we bore all of it.

But among all that debate and discussion, there is one thing that you cannot deny. Taste.

Taken purely as a sensory pleasure, the taste of non-vegetarian food is simply something you have to experience.

Now that Doomsday is near, I make you an offer you can’t refuse.

You have done your bit for the environment. One day is not going to matter too much, in the larger scheme of things.

So for this one day, visit your nearest KFC. Yes, that yellow-red place that you so detested, wanting to rip apart everyone that walked in and out of the place.

Walk in and politely ask for a Grilled Chicken. Take the pouch of ketchup, and take a chair.

And then stare at the chicken for sometime. If you notice, you will find that the top covering is crispy, and there is a little butter on the crust. The smell will hit you shortly. Take a gentle bite into the piece.

You will feel the crispy chicken crunch in your mouth, soft, and then the butter and the flavour..

Then pay the bill, and go to a street-side outlet. Ask for chicken pakoda, and eat it with chilli sauce.

At the end of the day, nothing much would have changed. The animal count would remain the same as the previous day. But one thing would have happened.

Your taste buds would have orgasmed. Yes, that’s more than 10,000 orgasms at once, with every bite.

SMOKE SOME WEED

Finally, if all fails. Just do it.

Roll a nice, fat joint and light it.

“When you smoking the herb, you meditating. When you drinking, you’re drunk, maan.“

– Bob Marley

If the world is coming to an end, you will have no worries at all.

You would be listening to your favourite music, or just staring at the ceiling. You would be at peace with yourself, and death, and destruction, and all its fearsomeness will seem like a friendly buffalo passing you by. Even death can’t be too bad with a joint.

For that matter, nothing can be too bad with a joint.

So there, then. I have given my two pennies on the subject. If the post hurt you, you should know that everything that was written was, whatever, Fuck You! The world is going to end anyway.

If it doesn’t, we’ll just wake up on the 22^nd.

And pretend this discussion didn’t happen.

(PS: But still, 10,000 orgasms. Think about it)