Survival of the Shittiest

Among the tripe that Times of India serves under the guise of news, I unearthed a genuine gem of a report last week. A couple from Chennai had placed an advertisement asking for an IITian to donate his sperm, and promised cash of 20,000 in return.

The broad-minded couple wrote, “Ideal candidate(s) should be IIT students, healthy, no bad habits, tall and fair if possible, but will consider the right donor regardless of looks, etc. Compensation is Rs 20,000 cash.”

I had mixed feelings about this article. Considering the time that an average IITians spends alone, watching porn, it’s better to sell it than let it, you know, ‘go down the drain’. IITians are anyway going to take over the world in a few years. They are the ones who will write books, they are the ones who will crack CAT, join politics, invent EVMs, test out the Aakash tablet, etc. etc.

It is also a scary thought. I see a Darwinian ‘survival of the fittest’ plot being played out here. What will happen to people like me? Normal B.Com graduates who don’t know 13 multiplication table? Will my lineage die? Vanish into the abyss of history??

The thought of taking the sperm of an IITian might seem innovative for some, but it doesn’t impress me. If only the right sperms were enough to guarantee success in life, Uday Chopra would be the hero, and not Ali bhai in Dhoom-27. And what sort of parents are these? Haven’t they watched the Bhagwad Gita of parenting, Taare Zameen Par? Hasn’t Aamir Khan, who knows everything about everything, clearly said that studies are not the only thing that a child needs to do in life?

I have a humble suggestion for this couple. Instead of gambling with an IITian’s sperm, you should go for more foolproof schemes, which will ensure success at any rate. Here is my list:

IIM Graduate: If you are aiming for an ‘II’ anyway, you should be looking for IIMs, and not IITs. Most IITians go on to study in IIMs anyway. While most people would be baffled how someone could study Mechanical Engineering for four years, and then do a Masters in Management in Sales, and then land up as Marketing head for a Retail company, the IIT-IIMs see the larger plot.

For four years, they are pampered with the best of facilities on the taxpayers’ money, and then enjoy it for two more years, and then safely land a hefty job and fly to the states. If you are looking for sperm, it should be IIM sperm.

Yoga Guru sperm: I know you’re thinking ‘WTF?’. But wait, let me explain how taking a Yoga Guru’s sperm is fool proof. IIT and IIM graduates, great as they might be, are not greater than the dynamics of the market. Which means that their degrees and jobs could go for a toss during a recession.

But a yoga guru is a safe bet. No lay-offs, no taxes. You can start a ‘charitable trust’, earn millions, and feature in scandals with actresses. You can appear on TV through Sanskar channel, or on Bigg Boss. You could invent cures for AIDS, cancer, and even death. Yes, once in a while you might have to flee in a Salwar-Kameez, or have your face blackened, but it’s worth the risk.

The only problem, however, would be to obtain the above-mentioned sperm. You know, ‘coz Yoga gurus don’t do bad things.

IPL player’s sperm: This is another risk free option. Your child plays cricket for a month, and gets to endorse a health drink, or a pain balm, or a ball point pen. The rest of the year is totally free, which means he can be with you, buy vegetables, and help out with the house chores.

Moreover, your child could participate in leagues in Sri Lanka, Australia, England, and Pakistan. Why not the Indian team, then? Risk hai, boss. Now if India tours England and Australia, and plays like the way they did, faaltu mein people will stone your house, burn effigies, and criticise you. Instead, your child could be an IPL player, and chill out.

Politician Sperm: If you have a look at Indian politics, it is blatantly obvious that the right sperm is the most important ingredient for a successful politician. It is an insurance scheme of sorts. Your son will become a politician, and then ensure that your grandson, and great grandson also become successful politicians.

If possible, contact a Communist party member. You don’t have to visit houses of dalits, or attack women in pubs, or break offices of news channels. You can happily stay in power in a state for 30 years, and lead a tension free life.

Sports Administrator’s Sperm: This is another risk-free prospect that should be given serious thought. Whether it is Commonwealth Games, or Asian Games, or a cricket tournament. Sports administration is a career with lots of money in it.

You need not know anything about sport. You need not even play a sport, as that could lead to injuries. Being a Sports Administrator has nothing to do with sports, in fact. Look at Sharad Pawar, who effortlessly juggled a Union Ministry portfolio, along with being the President of the International Cricket Council. Or Vilasrao Deshmukh, who is the President of the Maharashtra Cricket Association.

If you are not the kind that likes to go through the muck of government and bureaucracy, I suggest you start a private league of your own. That way, you hang out with pretty ladies, wear new silk ties everyday, and then chill on some island when corruption charges are booked against you.

Terrorist Sperm: Though procuring it might seem a tad difficult in the beginning, interested couples should try contacting semen, seamen for contacts, as it is a known fact that most terrorists enter our country through boats on the Western coast of the country.

There is a little risk involved in this career, but the dividends are rich and well-paying. Your child has to, in broad daylight, and under the scrutiny of cameras, kill a few people. He should ensure that he doesn’t get killed, only captured.

Bas. After that, your child’s life is set. He can spend years in a high security jail, and the government will spend crores keeping you fit, healthy and happy. You can read books, watch films, take the occasional trip to the court, blabber some bullshit in the witness box, and then safely return to your cell. No tension!

MIX AND MATCH: Couples who absolutely want to ensure their child’s success could try the Mix and Match formula, where you collect not just one of the above-mentioned specimen, but a combination of them.

This way, you can ensure your child has multiple talents, and goes on to roshan your naam in different fields. Some of the career paths you can opt for your child are:

IPL Player >> IIM Graduate >> Sports Manager >> Politician.

Or Yoga Guru >> Terrorist >> Phoolan Devi.

One must exercise absolute diligence while mixing and matching, otherwise your child might end up thinking like a terrorist, acting like a politician, paid like a yoga guru, and looking like an IIT graduate.

But it’s a risk worth taking, so begin the procurement, couples.

Otherwise, you’ll be stuck with people like me. B.Com graduates who look like shit and express their angst through blogs on the internet.