Swayamwar

This week saw yet another reality show coming to an end.

There are reality shows created to attract family audiences. There are some that aim to pull at your heartstrings to send SMS. There are some that are mere clones of international shows.

And then there are those that are created so that you can laugh and have a good time. A show with so many morons, you are spoilt for choice. Swayamwar is that one show.

I try to catch it whenever I have the time, it’s that good. So, here’s the concept. There is one celebrity, and he/she/it is wooed by suitors, who get eliminated week after week, till the celebrity chooses her life partner. It began with Rakhi Sawant.

Are you kidding me? Rakhi Sawant and marriage are parallel lines. However, I was surprised that the channel found enough such guys, to make a reality show of. I didn’t expect much from the contestants. If you are on a show wooing to marry Rakhi, I wouldn’t expect you to be a Noble laurete. They did their bit, sang and danced for her, and ran errands and did cute things, and finally she chose this bald guy called Eelesh. This Eelesh guy had a business in Canada, and probably loads of cash. After marriage, there were reports that the dude had defrauded loans in Canada. To the shock of the entire nation, the two of them split.

Then came Rahul Mahajan. Whose claim to fame was being caught with cocaine, beating up his ex-wife, and featuring on Big Boss. I was not very surprised that there were women wanting to marry him – rich, dumb guys are a lucrative lot. Rahul Mahajan clearly loved every minute of it, his smile betraying the sheer joy he received in seeing ten girls woo him. He finally married some chick called Dimpy. A few months later, there were these totally shocking reports of Rahul beating her up and kicking her out of his house.

This time, there was Ratan. I don’t know who she is, apparently some famous TV actress. She is not hot, not even close. Dressed awkwardly and blessed with histrionic abilities of a peepal tree, she looks like the last person one would want to marry. But then, there are the suitors.

All of them from UP and Bihar, each of them looking like pedophiles or closet serial killers. They went about the motions, singing for her, and dancing for her, and digging new depths of tackiness with every episode. There is so much dumbness flying around, it is impossible to miss. Finally, she chose one of the guys, and they smiled as flowers fell from above.

I wonder who they will take next season (Oh yes, there will be another season). Barely being able to conceal my anticipation, I have made a list of eligible bachelors for the next season, and duly mentioned why their candidature deems your kind consideration.

Baba Ramdev: Firstly, there is the R factor (Rakhi, Rahul, Ratan, Ramdev) that works in his favour. There is no doubt left in anyone’s mind that Baba Ramdev is in for the big things in Indian politics. A teetotaler devoid of any bad habits, Baba Ramdev is an ideal candidate, a person deeply rooted in our rich culture. The girl marrying him is ensured of a long, fertile life, thanks to the cures Baba has for cancer, AIDS, homosexuality etc. There’s no need to cook regularly as well, as Baba has shown he prefers ‘fast’ food. The recently purchased island in Scotland is yet another clincher.

Ravinder Jadeja: In the dowry market, a cricketer is a BMW. The bride is ensured of lot of time spent together, as the groom will be busy for only a month a year (and max two months, if the team qualifies for the Champions’ League). He has shown he has a keen head over his shoulders, as the bargaining for higher pay episode showed. Firmly committed and grounded, Jadeja is not the kind to run away from responsibilities. He never runs. Not even when there are three fucking runs needed when India is chasing Australia.

Rahul Gandhi: A few weeks back, just while Manmohan Singh convinced the nation through a press interview that he was not a lameduck PM, Digvijay Singh announced that Rahul is ready to become the PM. If being a cricketer is a BMW in the marriage market, being a Gandhi family son is Ravana’s Pushpa Vimana itself. Impeccably dressed in white, Rahul is no stranger to the camera. He is on the TV everyday, entering homes of the poor, wiping their tears and hugging them – a reality show producer’s wet dream. It could also be the perfect platform for the 2014 Prime Ministerial candidature, and the Congress party could sponsor the show, changing their election symbol – to make it a hand, with mehendi applied to it.

Santhakumaran Psychopanth: Our own Sreesanth needs a homely girl from God’s own country. He needs someone to tell him to relax, someone to tell him that sledging at the batsman, even if he is from Bangladesh, could result in 24 runs an over. He needs a calming influence so that he doesn’t blow away matches with his weird antics. As a person, he is first rate, albeit a little over-enthusiastic. But that can be controlled, as there have been instances when players got irritated with him, slapped him, and then called him their brother the next week. Nothing serious.

Mukesh Khanna: Way back in 1989, a 27 year old Mukesh Khanna stormed into the lives of Indians as the 137 year old Bheeshm Pitamah. While in the serial Bheeshm swore to the heavens never to marry, Mukesh Khanna, known to be an actor who took his roles seriously, did not marry in real life. It would be the ultimate scoop if the channel could get Bheeshm himself to a Swayamwar. They could get him to dress up in his Bheeshm attire as well, for that added effect. Here, one must not forget that Khanna is more than just Bheeshm – he is Shaktimaan. India’s first superhero, and the world’s first Superhero with a paunch. As Shaktimaan, Khanna protected the nation from missiles, evil emperors, and natural disasters every Saturday at 11 AM. Surely the man needs to settle down with a homely wife, it’s about time.

Lalit Modi: Lalit Modi is a total dude. He floated the IPL singlehandedly, earned billions, and when caught, flew to another country, and sent a 10,000 page reply that was carried in four huge cartons. From there, he formed the Sri Lankan Premier League, forcing the BCCI to piss in its pants, and ban the tournament from taking place. Modi guarantees a life of extravagance, and his love for fast cars and exotic ties makes him a valuable candidate. But more than everything, if he is signed for the show, he could do the organizing himself. Get each suitor sponsored by a corporate houses, and introduce Karbonn Kamaal Catch and DLF Maximums in the show.

Kamaal R. Khan: (Link to video) Having nothing else to say, I rest my case.