MTV Rowdies

This week saw another season of Roadies come to an end. I thought people had gotten tired of the show by now, but I had underestimated the tolerance to bullshit that we Indians have. Year after year, Roadies has come up with new concepts. Hell Down Under, Seven Sins, Hell in Africa, and what not. I am waiting for the 10th season when they’ll call it Roadies Dashavatar and call Kamal Hasan as a judge. Kamal Hasan of course, will use prosthetic make up and look like Raghu, Rajeev, Ranvijay, and three of the contestants – two boys and a girl.

And people will still watch it.

Over the years, Roadies has become a phenomenon among the youth of the country. Raghu is no idiot. A pass out from IIM Ahmedabad, Raghu has packaged and marketed the most fashionable item to the youth of the country – coolness.

The youth of India are as such a confused lot. We are confused about whether we are proud or ashamed of our country. We are as confused about our future as about our past, confused about the wide vista of options that liberalisation has laid down in front of us. For such a generation, anything that sets standards of coolness is immediately lapped up. After all, nothing is cooler than cool. And this is where Roadies comes into the picture.

The contestants on the show, are a disillusioned lot. The constant references to the entire country watching the show, and dying to be a part of it, is something I find laughable. I have found this with other shows as well. There are shows called ‘Indian’ Idol and ‘Voice of India’ that do not have auditions in the South of India. Which is understandable, considering they are not a part of your target audience. But stop saying things like the ‘entire country’ and crap. You think the college going Mallu gives a fuck about Roadies when he can ask his friend to hide in a cupboard to shoot steamy MMS with his girlfriend? He doesn’t.

I remember watching a few parts of the first season on the TV and there was nothing special about it. It was just a show about a group of guys on a Karizma who seemed to be running around as if the sky was falling on their heads. Over the years, Roadies grew more and more popular, and very soon became the coolest thing on television.

It’s not that I have a complaint against the show (apart from the fact that it is a brain-dead), but the fact that once there is a Roadies show, there is nothing else on MTV for the following month. There will be reruns, and reunion shows, and chat shows, and remembrance shows, and what not.

But without doubt, I have to admit I watch the auditions when I can. I feel like Rajat Kapoor in Bheja Fry, but it is an enjoyable indulgence for me. Over the years, idiots of different sizes, shapes, and ages have landed up at the auditions and gotten spanked. The auditions have been given the feel of a NASA mission, or like a viva-voce to marry Osama’s daughter. I have had friends who have asked me to fill their Roadies forms. When I have had discussions with people, I have been told, “Saale, hum pe itna chilla raha hai. Jaake Roadies ke auditions deke dikha, phir maanenge ki dum hai.” I think he meant dumb.

Roadies auditions are considered the baap of interviews. I am sure IMS and TIME will start Roadies coaching in a few years. Youngsters around the country line up for days in advance, so they can come on the auditions. Once inside the room, they go to any extent. From dressing up as a girl, to singing and dancing, to acting like animals, just to prove that they have ‘it’.

There may be only seven people in the world who know what is the formula for Coke, but there are only two people who know what is this ‘it’ – Raghu and Ranvijay. ( I know there is Rajiv, but I am talking about individual brains).

I mean, if someone asks you to act like a monkey, and you do it, how does it show that you are tough? How does singing a song show that you are tough? And prepared? Or whatever??

All the contestants are the same. The guys are called Nikhil, or Mohit. They are all Jats who are adept in Hindi and English but choose to communicate in beep language. They look like Salman Khan and sound like him. The dialogues sound the same too: “Usne mere saath game khela. Main beep nahi hoon, maine bhi uska beep maara. Yeh game hai, aur main yahaan rehne ke liye kuchh bhi karoonga.”

The girls are from Delhi or Chandigarh, and all of them are fair and thin. All of them wear huge sunglasses and sound similar. They all talk about the others’ aukaat and izzat and beep each other whenever they open their mouth.

And then there is the stud – Raghu. After eight years, Raghu reminds of those Navketan movies that Dev Anand made till the mid-90s. Most of them had Dev Anand in them, proving that he was still young, and that he was cool. Raghu is the Dev Anand of television and Roadies is his Navketan.

Raghu is so annoying, if he was made to sit on the LOC, Pakistan would surrender and start bombing Afghanistan in frustration. The motherfucker doesn’t know when to shut up, and keeps raising his voice to make his point. Of course, his point is the point – it’s his goddamn show.

As if one bald idiot wasn’t enough, there are two of them. OK, so he has an identical twin. But what is the point of bringing him into the show? And do the two of them have to wear similar clothes and shades and talk in a similar manner? I mean, who the fuck are you? Ramu-Shamu? Seeta-Geeta?? Now they are like Gods, who waltz into the show in slow motion, and blast the contestants, lecturing them about integrity and commitment.

Though much cannot be expected from the viewers of the show, you can always make out a Roadie aspirant. They talk in the kewl language, with status updates like ‘Mohit rawx! OMG, he is so hawt’. Roadies aspirants also think that the entire world watches Roadies. I have met random people who have asked me if I thought it was right that Sonam was asked to leave the show? I have resisted the urge to bang their heads on the ground and run over it with a Karizma ZMR – Above all.

Well, sorry to break the news, morons. Watching Roadies is not going to make you cool. Watching it is not going to teach you how to clear an interview, nor is it going to make you tough in life. It is just a show where two bald pervert guys have fun at your expense. While you sing and dance and do push ups, they jack each other off under the table, laughing at morons like you, who watch it on TV, making them rich with your stupidity.