An open letter to the Indian Premier League

From someone who has been tracking the ups and downs of the IPL over the last few years, here is a kind letter to the Who’s who and WTF’s WTF at IPL.

Mr. Lalit Modi: Please ask the guys on TV to stop referring to you as the Primo/Supremo/Numero Uno/One and Only and other such adjectives. Not only does it stink of sycophancy, it makes our ears bleed. The IPL is a great concept and now I am sure inhabitants of other galaxies will be aware that it is your brainchild. Now please stop appearing on every match. Relegate yourself to the background now. You do not add to the glamour quotients. And yes, your ties, do something about them

Preity Zinta: Lets face it. Your team sucks. There is not one single player in your team whom we feel like rooting for. Each one of them seems to be on their own trip. The only reason I watch your matches these days is to see you. Please do not wear a Salwar Kameez with the Kings XI Punjab insignia on it again. Ever. I am sure Kirron Kher would look real hot in it. Not you.

Ravi Shastri and Sunil Gavaskar: Admitted, you guys are the only two Indian ex-cricketers who make sense behind the mike. But after ten years, it has become repetitive. I can predict in advance every line you are going to say. Please reinvent yourselves. It’s crunch time now. It’s do or die (Please stop saying lines like that anymore)

Angad/Anshuman/Gourav/Samir: Agreed, Mandira Bedi knew as much about cricket as you guys. But she wore noodle-strap blouses. Till the day you guys start growing female body parts please try to consume as little screen time as possible. Talk lesser, save energy. Listen to what Arun Lal has to say. Laughing is good for health!!

Other Commentators: What on earth is a Citi Moment of Success? Or a Karbonn Kamaal Catch? What happened to that thing called originality? And please stop mentioning that MRF Blimp and Dennis Lillee’s contribution to Indian Cricket. His greatest contribution was when he tried to kick Javed Miandad. But that’s it. For heavens’ sake. The Blimp is just a huge, idiotic balloon shaped like an aeroplane , something you would expect Mr. Mallya to gift his grandchildren. It’s not all that cool.

Mr. Navjot Singh Sidhu: Shut the f*ck up!