The ‘FAMILY’

I was in college, hopping jobs and looking for easy money. Painting t-shirts, odd jobs at call centres, part time stints and freelancing.

One morning, I was having chai at the stall near my house and talking to someone when this person overheard me and introduced himself. He was in formals, clean clothes, ready smile, and spoke in a syrupy-sweet manner.

“Do you want to change your life?”

What sort of a lame question is that? Who doesn’t want that?

“Yes.”

“Come with me, give me just half an hour and if you think it was worthwhile, well and good. Otherwise, it is completely your wish.”

He made me sit behind his scooter. It is always uncomfortable sitting behind someone in a scooter. Scooters do not have long seats like bikes. There are two seats – one for the rider and one for the pillion, with the oil tank in between you both. And everytime the rider brakes, you brush against him. I half wondered if he was some sort of paedophile. But he was not.

He took me to his home. He had a wife and a little son. He took me to his room and proudly showed me a photo of himself and his wife in Goa. I am a ‘Diamond Member’, we get one fully-paid holiday in a year, he said with pride. You can become a Gold Member within six months; I can see future in you”.

For the next half an hour, I was completely lost in his talk. He told me how things worked. It was about exposing people to the luxury of good products. The investment needed was marginal. And if I worked hard, I could earn anything within 6,000 to 8,000 a month. I was already beginning to dream of what I would do with all the money. After an hour I was completely brain-dry cleaned. This was easy shit, I could do this.

“Don’t worry. For any support, I am with you. After all, we should join hands and help each other improve our lives together”. He asked me to attend a meeting conference for all members of the ‘Family’. I was thrilled.

I attended the conference. Though I felt like some distant, long forgotten cousin in the family, it was fun. People, many of them married women, clapped loudly when the speaker spoke about how his life had changed since he joined the ‘family’. The food was great and I met my mentor too. “Ah, come come.” he said, and made me meet some other people who all had smiled pasted to their faces. “Welcome Mr. Ranjan, the latest star in the block”. This was good, man. Even my own family wasn’t so proud of me.

The next week was a Monday. I was itching to begin. But who do I contact? I couldn’t even think of selling my sister anything. By default, she thinks that I am upto some kind of suspicious business. I tried selling it to my neighbour, Pintu Bhai.

I called him to the terrace to speak to him about it. “Do you want to change your life?”

He looked at me suspiciously and nodded.

I began the ‘life-changing’ sermon. After 20 minutes, I was convinced he wanted to extend his hand so that we could improve our lives together too. I explained to him about the products, how they were the means for thousands of people around us to change their lives. I explained about the marginal investment he had to make the loads of products he could get, that were far superior to the ones that were available in the market.

“How much does the toothpaste cost?”
“100 rs.”
“And do they give anything free? Like a toothbrush or white-meter?”
“No. But the product is much better than Colgate and Pepsodent.”

I could see he was sinking by the minute. When I was done, he said he would ‘let me know’. I smiled, stood up and extended his hand, and he gave me an amused look. We played cricket together, and knew each other since childhood. But we had never shaken hands. “Let us hold hands and improve our lives together”. My dialogue seemed as original as Rakhi Sawant’s assets, but I was mouthing them just the same.

This was a good feeling, helping people use better products, become independent and transform their lives in the process. I felt I was doing mankind a service, redeeming people from their lives. For the next two weeks, in every conversation with people around me, I shook hands. Whenever I met Pintu Bhai, he would say he had some work, or change the topic. My mentor would call me to his house now and then and show me more photos of him and his wife in Goa. “This year, we are going to Himachal”, he said, looking at his wife with an endearing look that I could only give to a sizzling brownie.

A month had passed since I had transformed my life. I noticed that Pintu Bhai rarely met me these days. My conversations with the guys at work were slowly becomingly shorter. I spoke to my mentor about it. He warned me that the initial days could be a little taxing, but there was no substitute for hard work if I wanted to enjoy my life to the fullest.

After about 2 weeks, I cornered Pintu Bhai and asked him about his plans. He told me why he wasn’t up for it. He explained the reason. And I understood why.

We always hear the phrase “We don’t sell products, we sell dreams”. This company was actually selling dreams. The shit-expensive, arty-farty sounding trash was just by-products. No one wanted to use the products, or even spoke about them. They were just means to a better life. You joined the queue, found a bakra, bullshat him, dumped unwanted crap on his head and told him he was changing his life.

I looked in my room. I had a toothpaste, a shaving cream, a car and bike (both of which I dint have) polishing solution, a dishwashing cream, four powders that could make me look like Saahil Khan. And a wallet that was lighter by 4,000 bucks.

Even now, I don’t like people who ask me if I want to improve my life, or who shake hands with me. I am happy with my life, thank you very much. I don’t want your crap, and I don’t have a fat wife nagging me to take her to Himachal. Pretty soon, I got kicked out of the family, but I got my life back.